My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Mrs_AK]

I don’t want to upset anyone or cause further distress to those that have loved ones on the inside but I wanted to let you all know the ending to my story ..... my beautiful son whist still inside was found attempting suicide. He was taken to a nearby hospital where he remained in a comatose state until they removed his breathing tube and he passed away, we have so many questions that may never be answered , but it is in the process of a coronial investigation as I speak . He was 24

I have never felt a loss like this before and I will never be the same person I was before but I want to say to anyone out there please don’t presume they are safe inside . If you have any concerns annoy that prison until you have reassurance that your loved one is getting the help they need . My son had been taken off all his meds when he went in in May and was putting on such a good performance telling me he was ok . He obviously wasn’t . I will try to stay strong and leth I think of you every day .

You are in my prayers xx

[Leth]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I really am.

How are you coming along? My heart breaks for you 😞

[Doolhof]

Hi Mrs AK,

I am so very sorry that I did not see your post until now! I do not know if you are still connected to the forum or not.

My belated sympathy goes out to you. Words seem so inadequate, especially so as so much time has passed since you sent in your message.

I'm not sure what else to write, only I am so very sorry for what you have experienced.

With much care from Dools

[Mrs_AK]

Thankyou leth .

i felt awful telling you my news as I really was trying to remain positive .

It has now been 7 months since my son passed and we are all living in our new altered world . I returned to work the week after his funeral and that has been the best medicine for me . Life goes on and I now have my youngest home . Not quite or how I had planned .

I hope all is well in your world and Thankyou for the support you gave others whilst you and your mum were battling . Stay strong xx

[Mrs_AK]

Dools

thankyou , life is full of experiences good and bad . I have learnt to not stress so much , to enjoy every minute and to always expect the unexpected . Sometimes things throw us completely off kilter but I like that saying . Get up , dress up but don’t ever give up ! That is my mantra

take care and continue your wonderful work for beyond blue , you are very valuable xx

[Evie15]

Dear Leth,

I know your post was made almost three years ago now, but I am wondering if you're still active on here? I feel a bit funny about posting this but here I go- this is me being completely vulnerable. I am an older sister to an 18-year-old younger brother (who just turned 18 in February) who has recently been imprisoned at an adult prison here in Victoria. Wow- it's been two months and gosh, has it been a long two months. I found your post after a quick google after I had missed a phone call from my brother, which has made me feel awful and upset. Most days I try to keep my life in order- studying, working and maintaining relationships with friends, family and my boyfriend. Most days i'm busy, studying or trying to distract myself from feeling down about my family and my brother. And other days I just want to stay in bed all day, do nothing, cry and just dwell on the whole situation. I guess the reason I'm replying to your forum is, to get some guidance or advice? Did things get better? It's nice to know there are other people out there experiencing the same thing as myself. I feel very lonely whilst accepting and coming to terms with the situation.

[Doolhof]

Hi Evie15,

I would like to welcome you to the community here. I am so sorry to read your brother is in prison and at such a young age. I have only even known one person who went to prison, a friend of a friend, and that was decades ago and they were there for 9 months.

My experience with a person in prison is just about non existent so I can't help you out from that angle. I would like to let you know that I do understand sadness, grief, anguish, pain and so many other things you may be feeling.

This is a safe place to share your story if you so desire. It sounds like you are trying hard to look after yourself and to stay connected with other people.

I can acknowledge how you are feeling, just not the reasons behind it as I have not walked in your shoes. My thoughts are with you and your brother.

Regards from Dools

[Leth]

Hi Evie15,

I'm sorry to hear about your younger brother.

I too felt very uncomfortable in reach out to a forum to get advice, because I really didn't know who to turn to without feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

I found this forum to be very helpful in getting some sort of clarity to help me get through it all.

The best advice I can give is to remain strong for your brother, both when you see and speak with him on the phone, and while at home too (so much easier said than done).

Did it get easier? Longing the loss of someone who is alive is very difficult, I had many nights of disrupted sleep, social withdrawal, and like you, wanted to stay in bed all day.

I did find keeping myself busy (with work) really helpful as it got my mind off things. This was only short-term, as I was then faced with the reality each night when I finished work for the day and got home.

As time went on, it got easier for me because I saw it was getting easier for my brother, as in, if I could hear in his voice that he was coping, in essence, it made me feel OK, as though I felt a sense of recharge, but that feeling didn't last very long.

I'd get worried if I didn't hear from my brother each week, and would jump as soon as I heard my phone ring on any given day or night.

I would often feel guilty for the simplest things, like eating out, catching up with friends, or even being able to sit under the sun.

You mentioned you have a partner, and I think that's a really nice thing. If you could get your partner to help you feel what you need to feel, without judgement or pressure, that will definitely alleviate your anxieties and stress and give you a sense of comfort.

My advice is, allow yourself the space to feel. I can't exactly answer the question "Does it get easier" as any loving member of the family who has to endure a sibling being in prison, regardless of their charge, is always a very difficult thing, and it hurts, it hurts a lot.

But as time goes on, you find a new level of strength in which you never actually thought you had. And by embracing that, you will get through this with a much clearer and stronger outlook.

Write letters to him, visit him as much as you can, seek advice from your GP if you're having a hard time dealing, and always feel free to ask any more questions here if I can help in any way?

I hope this has given you a little bit of light.

Please take care.

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie 15

I am writing just to let you know I am also experiencing what you are and also need support and guidance from others going through the same thing.
I am a mum. The first few months you are in shock and while you want help you can’t tell anyone. We haven’t even told his siblings as he didnt want them to know. Our GP who we see every week for counselling and is wonderful and our ministers at church are the only ones who know… and one friend who I totally trust and receive no judgement. It was all a shock when they came to search the house and took him away. It is easy to want to stay in bed and certainly felt and still feel that some days , but we decided we are no help at all if we didn’t look after ourselves and look out for others also suffering. We still have other family who need our support and our 1st grandchild .
We pray for strength!! Life will be forever different but I hope makes us all stronger and resilient

I was like you and wondered if it would ever get easier. There were days I felt frozen and lonely and guilty . There still are. We searched for answers of what and what we did wrong.

we love him so much but hate what he has done and how every day all we can think about is how he is and what he is doing. We try and block out thinking about him all day and have times in the day we do or else all we talk about is him and go over the same thing. There are things we don’t know and can’t find out so The borderline has been helpful.
it’s all a waiting game. The worst is waiting for calls when they decide it is easier it to make no contact.
ciurt in 2 weeks and we have no idea if he will get extra sentence . He is in remand as he got no bail due to breaking it twice. Feeling unprepared dor him coming out even though I have been doing lots of research.

Keeping busy is good and exercising.
Distraction doing something you love to do.
please write so we can support each other

nameless1

[Petal22]

Hi Leth,

Sorry for what has happened I know it can be difficult when something like this happens….. it’s also so hard to watch your parents going through the situation I’m sure your mum has a heart of gold and has nothing but unconditional love for your brother who has gone to prison…… hopefully by your brother going to prison it will help him to rehabilitate himself……. Anyone who has been travelling in the wrong direction can always make the decision to turn around and come back the other way for the positive….. drug addiction is a terrible thing for the addict and the addicts family….. it s just heart breaking…

Its very amicable that you are trying to look after your brother’s financials but it’s not your responsibility to pay his debts……. Can you let these businesses know your brother has been incarcerated?

That’s beautiful your mum is staying with you ……. I know it’s hard when this happens to someone in the family…… as time goes on things will get better……….

Look after your self….. that’s great you are seeing a gp and psychologist…