My world is spinning out of control

[mummaoftwogirls]

Hi

I’m 45 and a Mum of 2 girls... 5.5 & 8.

My depression has got so bad and I’m currently in the middle of changing medications.

my husband and I fight all the time and infront of the kids!

My girls are scared of me because of things I say and do! I love them so much it breaks my heart to see what I’m doing to them.

This morning my husband said to have a sleep in as I’m really unwell and the medication detox is giving me brain zaps and vertigo.

It wa as nightmare. He refused to get up and the time I do and the girls spent the whole morning being yelled at. I was so angry he asked me something and didn’t like the answer I have gave so he called me a dickhead. I burst a fuse and punched the wall and put my fist through it.

My youngest was crying saying she’s scared and this made me even more angry... I just can’t cope anymore.

I have no feelings towards my husband at all to the point I can’t look at him.

i feel like I’ve ruined my kids lives and I don’t deserve them at all.

They are such sweet, gentle girls and I feel I’ve now given them a lifetime of issues because of mine.

I want to just run away as I can’t be here anymore. I can’t live without my husband but I can’t live with him.

Mum sad and depressed all the time and wish I didn’t exist.

i know I need help but I feel like I’m puncihung myself and deserve punishment by my kids hating me. I don’t deserve their love or them.

l feel it’s just all too late and what’s done is done and this is my life now...

im scared and feel so alone !!

[Croix]

Dear Mummaoftwogirls~

A difficult problem and it is a pity your husband does not simply side with you. Simply refusing is hard, even if necessary. Perhaps a counter-offer?

Obviously I don't know the circumstances, I do know on a couple of occasions when I've felt my house has been invaded I've simply gone out. Do you have anyone you can visit? A family member or friend?

I know this is looming over you at the moment, I'm sure it is not much comfort right now but it will pass.

Croix

[mummaoftwogirls]

I don’t like people in my house when I’m not around. These people take advantage of it and their children run an absolute muck and the house will end up more trashed. They disrespect my house rules and everything they come things get broken or ruined. I’ve spoken to my husband again and he has said he’ll just say no ! They won’t take that well and will go on and on and ask questions ! They make me feel guilty but every time I regret it ! All my kids toys get thrown around and taken outside which depends on the toys I don’t allow. We have a new puppy so some parts of the house are off limits and l would end up running around whilst they all just watch the caos unfold. I told him to call his family and tell them not to be late because we are only there till the party ends then we are going home. I told them to pre worn them so there is no issue. There still will be an issue I know there always is...

[Tams20]

mummaoftwogirls,

That sounds better - you and your husband need to stay strong and keep saying ‘No’!

As an alternative, is there something that you could plan for after the party, somewhere you and your husband can take the girls, so none of you are able to go home? A birthday treat? Then you can say ‘oh I’d love to have you back to ours but we’re taking the girls to (somewhere) and need to be there by (time) so we can’t today’

Just a thought... if you have something planned and get the kids excited and looking forward to it then you’re less likely to cave in on the day.

Good luck!

Tams

[mummaoftwogirls]

We promised them fish n chips for dinner so if all else fails and we can say we are going down the beach for fish n chips and not having dinner at home... although I’d rather go home ! Then the thing is after that they’ll be like let’s go back to yours for coffee... it doesn’t end. Anyway my husband has assured me he’ll back me up that’s all I can ask for!! We’ll see how it goes!!

[Croix]

Dear Mummaoftwogirls~

That sounds like two wins, you husband trying for your sake and a plan to keep them away, I'm very glad

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi fellow exhausted Mum,

I really wanted to reply too because what you wrote about your anger... That's me too.

The party. The yelling. Being embarrassed. Ashamed. Thinking the neighbours must cringe. Feeling guilty. Oh my goodness how all of it just hit me in the chest and I felt like somebody just understood entirely.

I am angry too. Sometimes it feels like rage it is so explosive. And the GUILT. Consuming. I feel like I am destroying my children. I worry I will lose them.

Today hubby took us to a park and the kids loved it. He asked me why I hadn't taken them to get out of the house. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to get out of bed. Part of me (when the guilt eats at me) doesn't even want to wake up at all. It is just such a horrible helpless feeling. I get it.

But it can get better.

Dig in your heels and keep trying. You love your girls. It is so obvious. You're not a bad Mum. You're desperate for help because you love them. That is the action of a good Mum.

It is easy to write off advice when you feel so crap. Croix was right about the depression speaking for us sometimes. Picking fault in suggestions to make them impossible is how my depression worked. Keep me overwhelmed and isolated and unable to seek help.

Weekly therapy with a psychiatrist is my go to. Space to just dump all the frustration somewhere that isn't my kids. It is OK to need this. And it is ok to need more regular appointments. There is no right or wrong just what keeps YOU and your kids safe.

Walking away. I lose the plot constantly. I am so deeply ashamed to admit this.Hubby doesn't understand. Psychiatrist says anger is a symptom of depression. So I check the house is secure and lock myself in the toilet. I am safe. The kids are safe.

Time alone. As a mum of a 3 and 4 year old I haven't gone to the toilet alone in 4 years. I HATE it. How can you fit peace and quiet in? We NEED it.

Physical work is my saviour. Running machine and music when kids are asleep. Gardening. Digging holes. Edging the lawn with a shovel. Raking. Anything. My kids love it too.

Intellectual stimulation. I feel like my individuality is gone now I'm a Mum. So what do you love? What were you passionate about pre kids? Sometimes we need something exciting to get out of bed for. For me it was volunteering here. What about you? What is lacking in your life that makes you feel angry?

Little bit more to come.

[Quercus]

This is important...

You're not alone ok. Being angry doesn't make you a bad Mum.

Many women feel it too. No one talks about it because it feels so shameful. But it is more common than we think.

I have aired my dirty laundry to medical professionals. To my husband warts and all. I said this is what I am doing. Take my kids if they are not safe with me. Do you know what they all said?

You are not a risk to them.

Why? Because you CARE. Not just because you are so frightened they'll take your babies away from you.... But because you are frightened of hurting your kids.

That matters.

You're doing what you have to to protect your family. Please don't be ashamed. I know I am too which is why I replied.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your girls need you regardless of if you are angry Mum sometimes.

Head up and please keep trying. It gets better. Some days feel hopeless. But it does get easier.

I'm on the journey with you ok.

Nat

[mummaoftwogirls]

Thank you

[Tams20]

I’m with Nat - you’re definitley not alone! There are plenty that struggle with the same issues, to varying degrees. I certainly do and a lot of my friends do too. My Mum did too, but she had more of a ‘village’ to assist her. Most of us are quite isolated these days, whether by distance or by choice. Makes it harder.

It will get better!

Tams

[Quercus]

Hello Mummaoftwogirls,

Just wondering how did your daughter's party go? I hope your husband stood up for you and your home was self invited guest free.

Nat