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Just need to let it out

Alton
Community Member

Hi,

Not sure I'm after advice here or just need to get it out.

My sister has BPD (diagnosed) and is an alcoholic. She has been living with my Mum for the last 9 yrs after her marriage ended. 3 kids who are now late teens/early 20s.

My sister has been a mess over the yrs, terrible behaviour, drinking, abuse, etc. I could go on and on. Unfortunately her kids have witnessed a lot of her awful behaviour and now they are older and over 18, no longer have anything to do with her.

I have been telling my Mum for years she needs to set boundaries for my.sister. the professionals have told my Mum to kick my sister out. Mum has never done this, actually quite the opposite. My sister has drained my Mum especially financially. Sister doesn't work, never pays her bills and when companies threaten to send in debt collectors, sister runs to mum, gives a big sob story and mum always pays her debts.

mum has never set boundaries and let's my sister do what she wants. There have been many times that my sister will take off her clothes and spends the day nude. Sister once had two guys over and they were filming themselves (if you know what I mean) in my mum's lounge room. Mum came home but they wouldn't stop. It's just crazy behaviour like this and mum does nothing. I don't know why my Mum puts up with all this.

i live 10 min from Mum and haven't been to her house in 5yrs because of my sister being there. My kids never go to grandma' house. I wouldn' let them go there when she is there...never.

i have lost all respect for my Mum and really have very little time for her. She comes to my house for grandkids but I tolerate it for my kids sake.

I've told my Mum she will grow to a be an old lonely lady with my sister still living at home causing chaos as she does. But mum still stands by my sister.

i really feel my Mum.has created a monster here. She could have set boundaries many yrs ago but she never did.

unfortunately it will become my problem if my Mum dies. My sister will most likely not let us in the house. She already sells my mum's stuff/artwork to get money...again mum does nothing! So no doubt will cause chaos at this time for me 😞

my Mum gets upset and angry that my nieces and nephews no longer go to my mum's house but I say...do you blame them. Unfortunately they see my mum's house that holds bad childhood memories with what they have witnessed. I don't blame them.

sorry I could go on forever....

thanks for reading/listening 🙂

2 Replies 2

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Alton,

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. It sounds like you've really tried your very hardest to help your mum over the years and she just doesn't want to change.

It can be very sad when this happens because it really is like watching a very slow train wreck. All we can do is keep trying to divert the course, but as it comes nearer and nearer, I can understand why you might feel like there's no hope for change in the future.

I do not know much about how things get sorted when a parent dies. I imagine you may need to get some legal advice on that, but it does sound tricky.

Anyway, I just wanted to post because even though I don't know what to do in this situation, I can tell you really want to be heard. It truly sucks to be in your situation but it's nice to meet you nonetheless. You can only do so much and it sounds like you are keeping healthy boundaries and being open and honest with your mother and your sister.

James

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Alton

Welcome to the bb forums. Your story is very sad and please believe me when I say that I really care and want to support you. Having said that, I want to encourage you to try and see your mum from a different perspective.

From reading your post, it sounds like your mum is a long-term victim of abuse, both financial and psychological (e.g. the humiliation). You may also be aware of verbal abuse, bullying and threats of harm. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for adult children to abuse their parents; it's generally believed that elder parent abuse is one of the most under reported forms of family violence.

Too often, people choose to live with the abuse. It may simply be too hard for your mum to choose ­between her relationship with your sister and doing things that are in her own interest. Given your sister's illness, your mum may not have the strength, capacity or ability to set and enforce boundaries.

Your mum is enduring significant consequences--not just the abuse, but the harm to her relationship with you and other extend family member--and to help her I think you need to understand why and help mum get some professional help herself.

If you'd like to explore these ideas, you could consider calling White Ribbon Australia. The organisation provides a 24-hour hotline counselling service for discussion of abuse issues. The number 1800 737 732. Or perhaps call the Senior Rights organisation in your state.

I am happy to continue the conversation. Kind thoughts to you