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My world is spinning out of control

mummaoftwogirls
Community Member

Hi

I’m 45 and a Mum of 2 girls... 5.5 & 8.

My depression has got so bad and I’m currently in the middle of changing medications.

my husband and I fight all the time and infront of the kids!

My girls are scared of me because of things I say and do! I love them so much it breaks my heart to see what I’m doing to them.

This morning my husband said to have a sleep in as I’m really unwell and the medication detox is giving me brain zaps and vertigo.

It wa as nightmare. He refused to get up and the time I do and the girls spent the whole morning being yelled at. I was so angry he asked me something and didn’t like the answer I have gave so he called me a dickhead. I burst a fuse and punched the wall and put my fist through it.

My youngest was crying saying she’s scared and this made me even more angry... I just can’t cope anymore.

I have no feelings towards my husband at all to the point I can’t look at him.

i feel like I’ve ruined my kids lives and I don’t deserve them at all.

They are such sweet, gentle girls and I feel I’ve now given them a lifetime of issues because of mine.

I want to just run away as I can’t be here anymore. I can’t live without my husband but I can’t live with him.

Mum sad and depressed all the time and wish I didn’t exist.

i know I need help but I feel like I’m puncihung myself and deserve punishment by my kids hating me. I don’t deserve their love or them.

l feel it’s just all too late and what’s done is done and this is my life now...

im scared and feel so alone !!

20 Replies 20

Mumma,

As other caring people have said you are not alone.

My youngest is 30 later in the year so it has been a while since I was experiencing what you are.

The guilt is still with me but I try to remember the quotation by Maya Angelou as it has helped me through tough times.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

It has been like a mantra for me over the years.

You care, you worry, you are a mum. Everyday you do your best.

My children complained because they never had a fancy birthday cake but I did what I could and now they say they liked that we had birthdays at the pool, in the park, at the library, at our farm- always outdoors!!

Nat has written a wonderfully understanding post. I echo her supportive words.

Just wondering how you are going? Do you find writing down your thoughts in these posts help even if in a little way.

Thinking of you

Quirky