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My husband wants a divorce and we have a 6 month old baby - I’m broken

Broken-heartedmum
Community Member

Ive been with my husband for almost 8 years and married just shy of 3. We had the most amazing life together ( so I thought...) had a beautiful wedding and the best belated honeymoon that I planned for over a year in 2017. Then in January 2018 we found out I got pregnant almost immediately after trying and thats when our fairytale love story started to come crashing down. He was never excited that I got pregnant and was quite disappointed that “ his life is now over and there’s nothing to look forward too but paying for the child and school fees” His mindset was always negative about starting a family but we all assumed it would change once she was born, after all he was 35 and I’m 34 so it was time to start a family. But unfortunately nothing changed and he was just looking like this depressed , unhappy and hating his life man who developed an eating and exercise disorder with huge body image issues. This would kill me seeing him like that so I would always threaten and say to him just leave if you don’t want this and you hate your life so much. When our daughter was 8 weeks old I moved out to give him some space and reflect but he was loving life as the house was clean and he would go to the gym morning and night so before he got too comfortable I came back to work on things and then he started treating me differently and being very cold towards me. He moved 2 weeks after I came back. It’s been 4 months since we lived together and I had been trying everything to get him back, psychologists, marriage therapy, space and time and 2 weeks ago he said he has had enough and wants a divorce as the resentment he holds towards me is too strong to overcome and he thinks I’m just financially driven and will take all the money in the property settlement as I have a child to raise the rest of my life.

When we saw the marriage therapist 3 weeks ago as an absolute last resort all these bombshells came out how he wasn’t ready for marriage and I pressured him... our daughter doesn’t feel like his and in his mind it’s mine and my mother’s, that I never appreciated anything he did for me which I don’t know how else I could’ve shown appreciation other than get on my hands and knees and thank him, he felt like he was my punching bag because I would vent to him when I had a horrible day, that he couldn’t do anything right because I was too critical. He’s made me feel like I am the reason that our marriage failed and my baby girl has to grow up in a brokenfamily

I’m broken

9 Replies 9

Tess2
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi,

this is terrible for you and your daughter, and your husband. Having a child is the most wonderful time. Ultimately you and your daughter are what is important. I understand how hurt and disappointed you must be.

but you have a beautiful child, if he wants to write himself out of your lives, he is the loser. I know you are heartbroken and it will take time to recover .. but ultimately you are the winner here. He has shown his true colours,

i am so sorry for your sadness. But hold that little baby close and try to feel that love now

tess

Jackson85
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Broken-heartedmum,

This sounds like a really tough situation, and I can only think of how much you must be hurting. You sound like a committed, reasonable, loving, caring person, and really, that's all you can be. It seems like such a shame that your relationship has fallen apart, but if he isn't fully committed to doing what's best for your daughter and the family, it could be that your little girl is better off only getting the full loving care that you can offer her 🙂

It's such a tricky and nervous time in the early weeks of your baby's life, and you must be short of sleep and totally exhausted. Try not to give yourself too hard of a time at the moment; try not to feel guilty about your husband's decision, or that you should have been something else, or anything like that, because you sound like a lovely person, and you absolutely are enough, and you have done your best to make things work.

You mention that your husband makes you feel that you're the reason your marriage ended. This argument has never worked for me. If you're there, trying to work through things, with counsellors and therapy, and space, and time, then you've done all you can, and if he wants to end it, he can, but he CAN NOT say that it's because of you. This is not because of you. You were strong, and committed, and proactive, so don't for a second feel like this is because of you.

Try to take care of yourself, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have a wonderful little baby girl who needs nothing other than you, so try to be with her in the moment, because you guys are going to have a beautiful bond for life.

Hang in there,

Jackson85

Thank you Jackson85, your words have definitely helped me see things through a different lens and I can’t blame me and I should’ve , could’ve would’ve done things differently as my goodness did I try to save our family. It’s difficult talking to family and friends as obviously they are on my side and don’t understand how he could have walked out on our family and marriage.

It will absolutely be a marathon and I need to keep that in mind, the legal separation is turning quite nasty already and it’s only just begun. He thinks I don’t deserve much in the property settlement as he invested more in the beginning even though my future needs are huge with such a young child involved. And all I want is to secure her future as she is now my only purpose. The pathetic thing is I would still try to reconcile if he was willing but I know in my head it’s too far gone....

It's not pathetic at all, you built your life together, that is the exact kind of thinking you have to try not to do!

The separation process can be horrible, but try to remember that you have what you need in your beautiful daughter, and to not let the issues with your old partner ruin this time for you. Her future will be secured by you trying to be happy, and being kind and loving to her, in taking care of your own mind and heart, you will take care of hers as well.

You are going to be absolutely fine 🙂

Jackson85

Hello BH, and sorry for abbreviating your avatar and thanks for posting your comment.

Being together for 8 years and married for 3 and then getting pregnant on your honeymoon shouldn't have really been a surprise but lovely that it actually happened but very disappointing in how your husband has reacted.

Your family and friends being on your side is rightfully so, because why should someone associated with them all suddenly turn the opposite to what you would expect when you fell pregnant, and now he wants to exclude you from any settlement.

You can try and reconcile with him but take into account how much physical support he is going to be, in other words, a father has to provide 50% or even more help in raising the baby because a negative person is certainly not what you want as it's possible to flow through to a few of the family.

Please get in touch with us.

Geoff.

Hi Broken Hearted

It sounds to me like your hub never actually wanted kids but he did not articulate that to you before you got pregnant. He had plenty of time, several years, to tell you he felt that way but he didn't, so that is on him. It's reasonable to expect you'd be having kids, you're both in your 30s and recently married. If he didn't want that it was on him to say so.

Now it's possible he didn't know how strongly he felt about it until too late. He says he hasn't connected with the baby, but it sounds like he hasn't tried. Have you asked him if he wants to be involved at all? Even as a weekend dad? If he doesn't I feel you have no choice but to protect your daughter from his dismissal of her, which will hurt as she grows to recognise it, and let him out of your life completely so you can move on, maybe in time even find someone else who does want to be a part of you and your child's life.

Your baby has you and she is very lucky to have such a good mum who tried so hard to keep her father in her life for her. But there's only so much you can do if he's not a willing parent.

I'm sorry you're going through this and he's being selfish in the negotiations. Do you have a lawyer? Or have you contacted legal aid? He is legally required to pay child support, no matter if he wanted this baby or not. He was there when she was conceived. Sadly some men manage to avoid this responsibility and so I think you should do all you can now to secure a settlement of some kind, for the future.

I wish you all the best

GW

Hi and welcome

Sorry to hear of your developments.

I agree he is being selfish. Also, at this time, he is not being responsible. You certainly must and can move on from this guy.

However, your daughter does need her father and for her sake every effort should be made to give him such opportunity.

So, attend a family lawyer and make a claim to child support asap. Sort the legal side out sooner than later. If he questions you about it just say "I'm just after what I'm entitled to, no more". Child support encourage private negotiations with moneys paid by the non custodial parent, in my experience I would NOT do this as circumstances vhange and he likely will shy away from paying you a fair amount. Tell child support you are not confident in such an agreement and want him to pay via the standard formula. You can google that to find out the amount- it used to be his gross income minus an amount then for one child 18% of the remainder. Read up all about it.

In settlements previous assets are considered now but also sole custody makes an impact (if you have it). It can get murky. Again this is why you need to get the legals out of the way.

If he one day opts for every second weekend/school holiday periods in the conventional visitation method with his daughter, stick to the court rulings if possible. When he picks her up or drops her off be civil without being too friendly, your daughter will like that.

There is a slight possibility he could regret his decisions. Bare that in mind. Men can be immature even at 35yo. Another reason to be civil and reasonable in discussions.

I hope that helps and I hope he wakes up.

TonyWK

Thank you for your advice TonyWK

I have contacted the Department of Human Services and lodged the child support assessment and I notified him that I had done this but I still received a passive aggressive text message asking why they are contacting him and he has advised me that whenever I need nappies and food to notify him as he has always offered to buy things for our daughter... So this is what I am dealing with on a frequent basis and your advice to be civil and reasonable in discussions is not happening at all. Even yesterday I received dictating and angry messages what I should be doing with the money from the sale of a joint asset which I got legal advice on from legal aid and it does not have to sit in our joint account as it will form part of the asset pool regardless which bank account it sits in. So now he is furious with me and resents me more that I’m controlling the money. So I have no clue how to defuse this anger in him and try make this a peaceful and civil separation ?.

I do now have lawyers involved to help and I can foresee it getting nasty and vindictive and he will take it all the way to court so we lose everything in legal fees just to prove his point. Knowing he can recover easily after this as he earns a very good income and double mine. But he is stubborn and his resentment is controlling all decisions at the moment.

i know my daughter needs a relationship with her father and that scares me so much as he then told me he never wanted a child and isn’t paternal so how am I suppose to allow this man to take my baby.... she doesn’t know who he is.... and I feel sick thinking of leaving him with her as he doesn’t know anything about her and what her routine is.

i have so many fears with this whole ordeal and I know I need to stay strong for my baby but oh my goodness I feel like this will ruin me emotionally and financially 😞

It's important to know your rights and his rights to childcare

Has nothing to do with nappies, clothes etc

His income vs your income and the amount of time spent at each

They calculate a figure based on that....nothing to do with what he buys in between