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My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus
Community Member
I have never posted online before, but I have no one to talk to about this and it is tearing me apart inside. My husband has had an internet pornography addiction for 17 years, each time I have confronted him with this he has promised to never do it again, only to do it again. He has been to numerous counsellors over the years each time telling me hes fixed and no longer addicted. yet here I am again, this time i found by accident a usb full of photoshopped images of myself and my sister, he has placed our faces into degrading and violent pornography and saved them onto usb's . I dont know where to turn I feel so betrayed.
38 Replies 38

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Agnus~

I'm glad there is somebody with you. I'm sorry about your mum, you and your sister have enough already, I can understand why you don't wish to burden her further.

I hate to say this but the sort of things your husband is saying are attempts to sweep matters under the carpet and just forget them. It looks like he has been able to keep up a certain way of life that includes porn plus family for a long period and now wants to get back to business as usual.

It does not seem to show great concern for you or a big effort on his part to make things better. As for them not being directed at you, obviously you and your sister are included in his violent sexual fantasies and it has everything to do with you (and her).

I think Mary was right before in saying his account of what his councilor had said was twisted to his advantage -or just as likely he did not level with the councilor in the first place.

I also think Mary's suggestion of getting help from outside a pretty good idea, Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) deals with all sorts of abuse, not just violence, and our own bb 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) is available too.

I do hope you keep talking and say how things are going

Croix

BlueGrass
Community Member

Hi Agnus

That is just so twisted. I'd be seeking to get out if at all possible. He's happy, but are you?

Do you feel safe, secure, respected, content? Speak with a counsellor, a new one if you must, but really consider if you want to stay, knowing all this and knowing his actions state he'll never change, this is "him", he's happy with his life.

Somehow, you need to tell the children, if they start asking why you aren't happy, but I have no idea how. Speak with a counsellor.

Well, that's my take on it, anyway. Life is short, be happy. You are not meant to be treated like this, I'm thinking it is actually illegal what he is doing.

I'd feel quite vulnerable, scared, actually, if I were in your position. It is breaking of trust at an irreparable level for me.

Hugs

Hello Agnus

I am so sorry to hear your mom passed away. I grieved for my mom for many years. Having to carry the additional burden of your husband's activities would have been very hard. Please consider getting some counselling. I think you need to talk to someone outside your normal life and simply let your hair down.

What a volley of posts all in one day. Took me a while to read through them. I think the general feeling here is that your husband is despicable and you should leave him. How wonderful if we could change our lives without a great deal of anguish. Whatever you decide to do I think will involve hurt to you, leaving or staying. This is why you need support and if the counsellor is good he/she can help in this.

When I decided to leave my husband I made sure I had somewhere to go and could look after myself. I ended up building a home for myself some distance from him. I was still working at that time so I knew I had an income. My children had all left home by then. It's different for you with your adult children still living with you. Is it possible to ask your husband to leave? I am presuming the children would stay with you. Do they know about his addiction?

I am guessing you don't want to tell any of your children about their father's actions and I have never told my children about parts of my marriage. However, I think I would tell my girls about their father, because would be easier to tell them and ask them to tell their brothers. Even writing this to you has made me shaky because you are getting all sorts of advice and questions but not being able to talk with someone. BB is a great place to vent but you really need someone living near you. Can you talk to your GP? It would be a start. I do worry you will collapse under this load.

Well we are here and will respond as quickly as we can. Don't forget the BB phone option.

Mary

Guest_128
Community Member
R u ok?

agnus
Community Member
Yes I'm ok , thankyou for all you support xx I'm trying to process all of the events of June in my head and you are all right I think I need to go and see someone to see if they can help me get some order in the chaos in my head. I feel sad for my husband because I know he is in pain with this addiction, however I also feel sad for me because I'm the one whose face is on those images and it's breaking my heart. I have been asking myself, if my husband told me about his pornography issues before we got married ..would I have married him. If I hadn't spent 28 years with him and had just started dating him the answer would have been absolutely not I would never have married a man with this problem. Looking back on our 28 years I think he has probably been into pornography the whole time just hidden from me.

Guest_128
Community Member

Hi ,

I understand that this is a very difficult time for you. Thankyou for posting,I have been worried about you. Have you spoken to anyone yet? Any family or friends?

How is it going at home? What have you talked about with him? How is he treating you now?

sending hugs

Dory

Hello Agnus

It appears you are processing the situation. Asking questions, listening to others and managing your hurt. I think it is time to talk to someone who can let you talk without judgement on you or husband. The benefit of this is being able to get it all out and have someone whose job it is to be objective and help you make decisions based on what you want to do.

Please keep us up to date. We are here to support you.

Mary

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Angus, if he told you about his porn before you got married then you might have said you will help him, but from experience this never happens, it's an addiction and it's not that easy to overcome, sometimes impossible.
It doesn't matter how long you have been married, I was married 25 years but it ended because of circumstances, length of marriage really means little, because now it's something affecting you and will do so for your girls.
Pornograhy is a serious addiction, something that someone will find very difficult to be able to overcome, especially if you don't agree with it, and yes it probably has been going on for a very long time, sorry but it's time to go. Geoff.

agnus
Community Member
So almost a year to the day that I originally posted here, and again I have caught my husband downloading porn and photoshopping my face onto pornographic images. I feel numb , stupid and gullible for believeing him after my mums passing that he would never disrespect me like that again. He said the only reason he admitted it was that I caught him and took the laptop he was using, which was my 18 year old daughters old laptop. I don't know what to do .

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Agnus~

I'm sorry you are back under such circumstances. I don't think you are either gullible or stupid in giving your husband the benefit of the doubt a year ago. Perhaps at the time he did mean to reform, I don't know.

Being lied to is horrible, having your daughter's computer used in that way shows a complete lack of regard. The whole thing would seem to show that his addiction is an ongoing thing that is in all probability not going to stop, hard to accept but I suspect a realistic assessment. It also shows a desensitization to the seriousness of consequences. If your daughter had discovered the matter for herself it would have been a very great shock.

As someone reading your account perhaps the most unsettling thing is the incorporation of you and your sister into those images. did you ever seek a professional opinion about that?

Have you told anyone about this latest discovery? I know last year you did not wish to add to your sister's burden. Having someone you know to discuss things with might help, if only to gain perspective on what you think might be the best thing to do.

You know you are welcome to talk things over here anytime.

Croix