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My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus
Community Member
I have never posted online before, but I have no one to talk to about this and it is tearing me apart inside. My husband has had an internet pornography addiction for 17 years, each time I have confronted him with this he has promised to never do it again, only to do it again. He has been to numerous counsellors over the years each time telling me hes fixed and no longer addicted. yet here I am again, this time i found by accident a usb full of photoshopped images of myself and my sister, he has placed our faces into degrading and violent pornography and saved them onto usb's . I dont know where to turn I feel so betrayed.
38 Replies 38

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Good Morning Agnus, I am terribly sorry and if you hadn't caught him then it would still be happening but to do it on your daughter's laptop is not pleasant at all.

He has an addiction that won't stop unless he decides he consciously wants to give it away, but you can't keep checking all the computers in the household or even mobile phones if you get the chance to, this will only frustrate and annoy you.

You can mention that your husband has an addiction to your friends without telling exactly what it is, and then ask them what they would do if they were in this situation.

I'm really sorry.

Geoff.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi,

I am sorry that you have to go through this again. And as Geoff said, it is an addiction, not really any different to drug addiction.

And there are no real easy answers to this problem. You might be able to get some idea via Google and search for

How to stop porn addiction

You might get a few ideas there. But the worst part is that your husband has to be willing to change.

On a more practical level, you can find software filters to install onto your daughter's laptop and others PCs in the home. You could also ring up your ISP and enquire about blocking certain content. Of course, this will likely cause tension between you and your husband, but need to ask whether you accept porn in your house or whether you can accept his habit. Even with a filter in place, if you want it, you will find a way to get it. I guess that the last question is whether he showed any remorse when you last confronted him? Was he sorry? Embarrassed? Angry? These are not questions you have to answer here, but some things to think about to help you move forward.

I hope that it all works out well for you.

Peace to you

Smallwolf

Hi Angus, just wondering how you are going in this situation and please allow me to appreciate the reply by Smallwolf, it's good advice.

All we want to do is help you through this.

We hope to hear back from you.

Our best wishes to you.

Geoff.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Agnus,

I don’t think you were gullible for believing him, sometimes we simply want to believe something so bad that we deceive ourselves and I think this was probably the case. However, the sad reality is that this has been going on for 18 years now, and I think it’s unlikely that this won’t continue for year 19, 20, 21 etc, this is firmly entrenched. I think the question that you really need to ask yourself now is, “if this continues, can I live with it”. The answer to that will determine what you do. I understand you most likely want the third option, which is that he suddenly miraculously stops, but a persons sexual predilections are extremely entrenched and after this amount of time that seems highly unlikely. The fact that he also has not shown any real desire to change makes this more unlikely again. You’ve been married for a very long time and I understand this must be a horrible place to find yourself in, with your hand being forced, hoping against all odds that this time it will be different, but in life we have to play the hand that we are dealt.

agnus
Community Member
Thankyou for your advise, I know you are right i'm just frightened .

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

I completely understand agnus, I have been in a very similar situation to you at one point, but for different reasons. You hate the thought of leaving in case there is that tiny glimmer of hope that he may somehow miraculously change, but time and time again you are let down and you feel stupid for believing it could be different, that you could be happy. In the end I left because the the idea of being on my own started to seem peaceful, I didn’t have the same dizzying highs, but I didn’t have the soul destroying lows either.

No one is here to pressure you into making a decision, you don’t even need to make one if you don’t want to, we will be here to support you regardless. But I do want you to keep what you know in the back of your mind next time he talks to you about “being fixed” etc, having your hopes dashed over and over can be soul destroying.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Agnus, it's great to hear back from you, and please know what Juliet_84 has said I support her.

We just want to help you through this.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

Missy1964
Community Member

My fiancé has a huge porn addiction which I discovered 18 months ago. He had screen shots of sexy images of people i know as well as thousands of porn folders . I have told him I’m not marrying him, and I don’t even know if I can handle this . He has told me he’s changed but he hadn’t . He is sneaky and I feel completely betrayed . Do people really change from porn addiction? I don’t know what to do.

Hello Missy, thanks for posting your comment and it's a topic that's certainly worth a discussion.

Pornography can be acceptable is both parties agree to it, in moderation, but if it's done by one member only without the consent of the other, then it's breaking trust, can become addictive as well as secretive.

Whether or not he stops is entirely up to him, and if you definitely love him then this maybe possible, however, once married and certain situations occur, then he may revert back to watching it.

The problem is that either of you may each do a particular event that the other doesn't agree with, so it's coming to an acceptable compromise that you both agree on.

I'm not saying what he is doing is something I agree with or not but if you are both compatible in many ways and the love is strong, then trust and the excitement of developing lives together should be the main issue.

Even if he says he's stopped, you can never be certain, and to suggest couple counselling may not get him to reveal what he actually does.

Best wishes.

Geoff.