My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

[agnus]

I have never posted online before, but I have no one to talk to about this and it is tearing me apart inside. My husband has had an internet pornography addiction for 17 years, each time I have confronted him with this he has promised to never do it again, only to do it again. He has been to numerous counsellors over the years each time telling me hes fixed and no longer addicted. yet here I am again, this time i found by accident a usb full of photoshopped images of myself and my sister, he has placed our faces into degrading and violent pornography and saved them onto usb's . I dont know where to turn I feel so betrayed.

[CMF]

Hi Agnus and welcome,

Wow, I imagine finding that usb would have been a big shock. I can't imagine how it would have made you feel. Looking at porn is one thing but to photoshop images of family onto the pictures you described i think takes it to a different place. Him saying he is 'fixed' tells me that he is aware or believes it is a problem that is out of control for him. Have you considered going to counseling together as this is obviously affecting you also and your relationship.

Wishing you the best

cmf

[Quercus]

Hi Agnus and welcome to the forums 😊

Reaching out for help is the hardest part and takes guts even more so when the problem is deeply personal like your own. Thankyou for trusting us enough to do so.

Something that really stood out to me was that you said you feel betrayed. Can't say I blame you. When I read your post it completely shocked me. I don't find that remotely acceptable either. Actually I find that frightening. Especially the violation of your image and the nature of the porn. Has he shared the images with anyone?

My question is, given that he has gone to therapy numerous times and nothing has changed, do you want to work through this? No need to reply about anything you don't want to but it is worth weighing up your needs and what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

Couples therapy is an option if you want to and to be honest I hope you're booked in for some counselling and support of your own. And planning a serious conversation with your husband about respecting your boundaries.

I hope I haven't made you feel judged or anxious that's not my intention. I'm truly stunned and find his behaviour distressing. And am worried about you. I hope you feel able to keep writing. There are lots of supportive people on here who will have solid advice.

I just wanted you to know that someone finds your response to this completely valid and reasonable.

Please take care of yourself Agnus.

[MsPurple]

Hi agnus and welcome to the BB forums.

Sorry to hear your husband is struggling with a porn addiction and that it is hindering your relationship. It sounds like he has a full on addiction having a USB full of porn. I suspecting he doesn't watch it over the internet (have you got a internet blocker that stops him watching porn?). I think you will need to have a conversation with him about his addiction and how it is affecting you. May I suggest going to couples counseling. I think it will help ensure you word things carefully and it will help him see your perspective of it as well. I was also wondering if you have talked to a counselor/therapist regarding your husbands addiction and how it is affecting you? I think his may also be beneficial as this maybe affecting your self esteem especially seeing your husband Photoshop you onto another persons body.

Hope some of this helps.

MP

[agnus]

He has been to a sexual addiction counselor three times since I found these photoshopped images and he told me that the counselor understands it is just his way of dealing with anger ,jealousy , self esteem issues etc. I could not believe that a sexual addiction counselor would say it is ok for someone to photoshop their wife into degrading and violent pornography in secret to deal with his own issues (why use my face and my sisters?) surely a counselor would explain to the person that this is a violation . I would never consent to someone using my face in that way. yet he says every man does it.

[agnus]

He had a laptop hidden in one of our cupboards , so when I came through the front door he would just close it and put it under the desk, leaving our main computer open to a car page so I wouldn't get suspicious. I don't even know if he has showed anyone his doctored images of me or my sister, there are a lot of pornography hosting sites in the internet history on that laptop (which I now have in my possession) I looked at a couple and they are sites where people can post their own pornographic images, but they ask for a login and password so I have no idea if my doctored images are on any of these sites. I feel sick thinking about it.

[CMF]

Hi Agnus

I think his counselor should be finding other ways for him to deal with anger ,jealousy , self esteem issues etc. and address why he has these issues. Are these issues with you and why your sister? Just things to think about, no answer required.

As Quercus pointed out, think about what you want. Looking at orn is one thign but now it is getting 'personal'

[Quercus]

Hi Agnus,

Oh my goodness. A counsellor said that? I'd be asking for that counsellor to say that to my face (and then get a second opinion). It doesn't sound right (or legal even).

Yes a lot of men (and women) like porn. But uploading your spouses face onto violent porn? Without her knowledge or consent? And possibly sharing it online? That is not normal. That isn't acceptable.

Isn't there a whole cyber crime division in the police which deals with people using someone else's image without consent? Can't say I know much about it though but surely there must be a support group somewhere who can advise you on your rights and options?

Will your husband give you the passwords to these so you can ease your mind that he hasn't uploaded anything?

Wow sorry Agnus I'm going to have to take a little time out. I find this very distressing. So can only imagine how horrible you must feel. Please keep writing I will respond when I am able.

[Croix]

Dear Agnus~

I'm sorry this has happened to you and would imagine this discovery was horrifying - like you had been dragged into another alien and shocking world. It would also make you see your husband in a new and possibly threatening light as someone that would depersonalize you to that extent. The idea of violence being involved in the images is particularly troubling.

I'll give you my own thoughts about this, I'm not an expert or a doctor

As far as I can see a marriage or partnership is when two people love each other, want the best for the other person, want to care for and look after them, be strong for them, and enjoy being with them. They need to feel secure with that person , and hopefully enjoy sex with them too.

Porn by itself many find most distressing as it compares unrealistic images with ordinary people, and at the same time they may feel it is an indication they are not a fulfilling sexual partner.

I can quite accept it can be an addiction and like all addictions needs the person's acceptance and then therapy with a long-term personal commitment to beat it.

Sadly in this case after 17 years a change in behavior does not look hopeful.

I can see no way after this length of time and repeated broken promises that you can rely upon your husband's word in any matter related to sex and porn. Sadly I would expect that lack of trust will be in other areas two.

In addition to secretly depersonalize you and your sister in violent fantasies, possibly sharing them with others, is a frightening and degrading experience for you. It simply is not something anyone that loved their partner would do.

I have no knowledge in these areas however it is my personal feeling that there may well be there is a degree of violence or hostility under the surface in your husband. This is another possibly frightening factor.

I would not wish to continue in such a relationship.

Is your sister aware of this?

Do you have friends or family, or possibly your sister, who you can turn to, speak frankly with and who will support you? Having someone on your side is a great help.

I'm sorry I can't give you a more positive message. If you think I've missed something or do not understand things properly please don't hesitate to say so.

In any case you are very welcome to post as often as you would like

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi again Agnus,

Croix has just said exactly what I was struggling to put into words.

What he has done is not right and most definately in no shape or form or definition of the word respect. Or love.

You deserve a hell of a lot better than this!