My husband came from a good place but i just can't get passed what he did

[Debs_67]

Hi everyone, ok this is really hard for me to do but here goes. On the weekend we were camping and hubby decided to have a drink (which is ok with me), with this he thought it was a good idea to push me to talk about my depression. I at the time didn't want to talk about it for 2 reasons, 1 was because of the setting, knowing everyone would be able to hear us talking and 2 was because he was drinking. He seemed to be angry at the fact that i haven't been open and honest with him about how i am feeling but i find it hard to talk to him sometimes as it becomes like a tit for tat debate, meaning when i say something that i don't like he says well what about when you do ect. It is draining sometimes so i tend to not say anything to him. Don't get me wrong we both do really love each other we have been married for 31 yrs and we are both here for each other when needed. Anyway back to the weekend. He wouldn't drop it and kept pushing me to talk i was asking him to drop it but he wouldn't. He asked me why i wouldn't talk to him so i said that i would chat when we were in a more private setting but he wouldn't have it. He just wouldn't stop saying you're going to talk to me now or is it because i am not worthy for you to talk to me, is it because you don't love me it's more of a case of you are just used to me being there. I didn't bite (i would of done in the past) i just kept telling him to please stop, in the end i was pleading with him to drop it and i told him that when we get home i was going to pack a bag and leave him. He made me feel so bad that night and he just doesn't get it (well he didn't). He has sort of said sorry but i just can't get over what he did and how he made me feel. I am still at home but things are a bit strained. I really don't know how to get through this right now it keeps playing back around in my head. He actually bought me some beautiful flowers yesterday and all i could say was thank you but i felt no emotion which makes me feel even worse because i feel guilty for having no emotional feeling.

[JessF]

Hello Debs 67, welcome here. It sounds like a very tough weekend for you, and not much fun either, I'm sure you were looking forward to a relaxing time camping.

Communication is the heart of any good relationship, and it sounds to me like you don't feel you are being heard when you talk to your husband. He says he wants to listen, but you end up feeling interrogated.

If you notice someone you love is upset, there are two reasons for asking them what's the matter: one is to genuinely find out what is going on and to help. The second is to find out whether or not it's your fault. If someone is mostly motivated by that second reason, they're going to be quite defensive and may feel they need to 'debate' you over your responses in order to make themselves feel less responsible for how you are feeling.

There's something else that happens when we hear a loved one tell us about their problems: we want to jump immediately to fixing the problem. It's difficult to sit there and listen to how terrible someone is feeling, especially if we love them. It makes us feel helpless.

Your husband's behaviour when he is talking to you about your feelings may stem from any of the above things. He may feel he is responsible for making you depressed, he may feel responsible for fixing your depression. It sounds like what you need most is just for him to listen without judgment, as you are feeling enough guilt on your own.

What do you think you need most right now?

[Croix]

Dear Debs67~

I'm glad JessF was able to greet you, she has set out a lot of pretty good advice and given thought to why your husband might be behaving as he did. Without you judgment it is hard to really comment further about his behavior except to ask if you suppose was his drinking a conscious attempt to give him the courage to talk about your depression? As well if not a big drinker it may well have affected how he behaved.

Actually from what you said it sounds as if he might be feeling rather insecure. Some of what you reported seems to be an urgent plea for reassurance - what do you think?

Giving you flowers and trying to make amends may well show a degree of willing and concern on his part. The real pity is he did not stop when he saw how upset you were getting.

Just in general a problem so many of us face is that those who have not experienced mental illness for themselves have no real idea, they have no experience to fall back on and are in strange and worrying territory when anything said could possible make matters worse. You husband may well not 'get it'. Many need guidance on the best way to discuss matters and give support.

If in the past you have reacted - 'bitten' as you say - and now you have taken up a new tack -not biting but asking him to just stop, he may not know how to deal with that either.

The absence of feeling is really not something to feel guilty about.The fact remains you had a real battering emotionally and I find that leaves- at least in my case - a sort of mental bruising. I can feel numb and detached after something horrible has happened and need time to get back into some sort of balance.

Apart from your husband do you have anyone else to give you support? Having someone else to share these troubles can lift a real weight and lend perspective.

I do hope things settle down and your husband tries to care for you without demanding. Please know you can talk about things here, we do understand and care

Croix

[Debs_67]

Hi thank you both for your replies. I guess i just need someone who i can talk to without being judged. My hubby doesn't really drink that much so him drinking that weekend sort of made it worse (for both of us). What do i want? I want to be able to stop having all these negative thoughts going around in my head day in day out. My hubby is a loving man but i do agree with you Croix to a degree of him being slightly insecure, I tend to think that sometimes he thinks I don't love him or i don't want him anymore because i am very withdrawn from him. I do love him dearly but for some reason even before the camping episode i just can't seem to open up to him how i am feeling. Yes i do have a friend i can chat too and she is a good listener so i go to her for my chats but she has her own down days too.

[Croix]

Dear Debs67~

People can be surprisingly sensitive and hide it behind anger or making demands. Maybe both you being reserved and his feeling insecure or unloved are both parts of the jigsaw.

Not being able to open up is one thing, if you have not already done so a policy of encouragement and praise, while a little more impersonal than opening up, may make him more comfortable. This in turn might change his ways and things might be less strained.

Opening up is - as far as I can see looking at myself - a two person thing where the recipient has to be sensitive to an initial approach and give encouragement and engender a feeling of security. Until that happens it's unlikely anyone with difficulties in that area would have the courage to go further.

I hope it starts to sort out, living in a strained atmosphere is pretty horrible

Croix

[Debs_67]

Hi Croix

Things are getting better between us and tonight i am going to have a good chat with him and tell him what i need and want from him. We have been together too long for this to spoil what we have/had. Thank you so much for helping me 🙂

[geoff]

hi Deb, I have been following your comment but very sorry for what's happened.

Can I suggest that you write down what you want to say, duplicate it so your husband can have a copy and start off talking about the least on page 1, then on page 2 something else.

Please let us know how you get on. Geoff.