Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Why can't i form lasting relationships with anyone?

Community Member

I apologize if i rant a little, but I'm sick of just venting to myself lmao.

I'm not a shy person, mostly introverted though I have good enough social skills, and and interesting personality ( at least I'd like to think...) I prefer to a have a small group of close friends rather than a large group of people. Last year, both my best friends left my school. It's not like I don't have other friends, it's just there few and scattered amongst different friend groups. I have tried to make new friends within groups I am somewhat familiar with, but I have such a huge fear of rejection that I try to maintain a distance so I don't come off as clingy or annoying. I don't want to be a bother on others, but I want to be friends with them at the same time. I'm not sure if this is a product of my own low self-esteem, or if no wants to pay attention to me. It feels like I'm being ignored. Why would anyone want to make new friends if they have plenty already?

I have a few friends who only seem to talk to me when its convenient. They will mostly ignore me if they're around people they like better. Bu tin the same sense, aren't I doing this to? Is the only reason I cling onto this relationship is because I too rely heavily on my self-image be that of not a complete social outcast? And I kinda hate myself for that. I convince myself that the only reason i seek out relationships is my only selfish pursuit of popularity. I'm scared i'm boring and not worth anyone's time, which is why no one takes notice, or tries to pursue a relationship with me despite me trying.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying enough, and that if I want friends, I have to spend more time around them. But I'm so paranoid I'll get in the way, make people uncomfortable and be a general burden.

I constantly flit from group to group, person to person. It sound stereotypical, but it feels like I don't belong. What makes it worse is that I know everyone in my year group from primary school, some of which were my friends. When I moved into high school, a couple of friends started distancing themselves from me, and taking the hint, I cut it off completely. I began to focus my time of my best friends, and I felt happy for a time.

I know this all wont matter in a few years when I graduate high school. But it matters now and I'm worried this anxiety and low self esteem will lead to depression. I wish I wasn't so concerned with others opinion of me.

2 Replies 2

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Akechi's Pancakes

Welcome to the forums and for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

My youngest child graduated high school last year and a lot of your post is very familiar to me. High school is a tricky time and navigating friendships around cliques and hierarchal groups is challenging. You already know it's ridiculous but I understand that it matters to you now.

It's normal to miss your close friends that have changed schools and to flit from group to group trying to find the right spot for you. Eventually you will. School has just started back, so give this some more time.

Sounds like you are a bit aloof amongst your peers. As a protective measure that's a great strategy, but it makes it hard for others to reach out to you. I suspect the other kids are just as anxious about reaching out to you, as you are to them. You might have to let your guard down, just a bit, to let someone in.

Could you choose just one person you think might make a good friend and have a go trying to get to know them? Start with something you have in common, could be sport, computers, art, etc, and seek opportunities to talk or cross paths. When you're ready you could ask them to do something with you outside of school--something you would both enjoy.

If that sounds too risky, perhaps you could look within your house (if your school has houses), join a school club or team, or audition for the play or band to expand your potential friend pool. You will soon find someone, or they will find you. There is a lid for every pot.

If you think you're heading towards depression have a chat with your GP. You can also talk with a teacher you trust or mum or dad, just to let people who care about you know what's going on and to give them an opportunity to support you.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Akechi's Pancakes

Summer Rose's has provided you with excellent ways forward. From welcoming you to the Beyond Blue forums to thinking about how to start friendships. Summer Rose has children, I don't. So my post will mainly be about my own personal experiences as a child, teenager growing up.

As an introvert I grew up very shy, however, where necessary I could be extroverted. Though it was never something I was comfortable with. I have never liked big groups of friends and found myself wondering off on my own when this happens. Have done that all my life. I had some concern, mainly because of the portrayal (in movies, television series and sitcoms) of how one has to be so social and have loads of friends. Now though, I am happy with my own company.

I too, also flit from one person to another, especially at parties or when I go on group photography shoots. Generally throughout my life, I have found I good friend to share my life with. At the moment this happens to be my husband. This doesn't mean I don't have friends, but I do prefer to spend most of my time with him and my cats.

Summer Rose talks about being 'aloof', i believe people have perceived me as 'aloof' which has made it difficult for them to get close. It has taken a lot for me 'to let down my guard' to allow people in.

I do a lot of my interaction and connection with people on line these days, e.g. join groups on social media that are safe and moderated by administrators. I have met up with some of the people from these groups for outings that we share a common interest, e.g. birds, sea, photography. From this we've made more friends.

I have found it 'hard work' and I have to continually work on to maintain the friendships. But I found it well worth the effort to let down my guard just a little so people feel okay about wanting to talk with me or even more, e.g. having a meal together, or go to the movies.

Talking with those people you can, e.g. mum, dad, teacher, school counsellor is a really good idea. I never had that, but found someone while in one of my first jobs. He helped me so much. Got me to talk, express myself and helped to build my self esteem.