my brother is making me feel guilty because I am not in debt like he is

[David35]

I live with my mother. I'm on a DSP, pay my own way as much as possible (board, petrol, bills, private health cover). Mum and I have a mutual agreement that I help out as much as I can with finances. But recently I've had some problems with my brother. Every phone call he now rubs it in that he has a mortgage. He and his wife have a history of wasting money. Several years my dad passed away and we forwarded him a copy of the will, which includes a provision for a reasonable dwelling for me, because I've been unemployed for the past 20 or so years to my head injury. I often come off the phone exhausted listening to his sympathy act. Basically he wants mum's money now to help pay off his mortgage. Because he knows I help make the decisions regarding mum's finances, he now gets in my ear every chance he gets to try and guilt me into helping him out. Bear in mind that the last 2 years mum had bladder cancer, so he times his "jokes" well. Upon telling my mum this, she just gets so mad and despondent, that she is a complete emotional mess. Am I taking things too personal? Don't most people his age (51) have a mortgage if they want to own a home? My opinion is that it is sheer jealousy but I've had other struggles in life too, besides financial ones. Like trying to rehabilitate myself after a frontal lobe brain injury, surviving depression and alcoholism, looking after dad when he died, looking after mum when she had cancer, and grief. I'm interested to know other people's thoughts.

[Croix]

Dear David35~

You sound a caring and sensible person who has been given a hard time by life but nevertheless have tried your best for your parents -and I'm sure they both appreciated it and loved you. I"m sorry abut your  mum's cancer, of course she will be sensitive about it. Your dad must have been a very thoughtful and caring person to provide for you.

Frankly you brother sounds a selfish peron with no love or consideration for others. You will eventually really need a place to live and cannot simply surrender that just becuse your brother has a mortgage -and you are right, one expects to have a mortgage at his age and there is nothing stopping him spending wisely to reduce it..

Being on a DSP is no pick-nick anyway and you sound as if you are doing a terriffic job of managing slim finances. I hope in time your frontal lobe injury improves and you can lead a fuller life.

Love and care for those that love you and try to steer clear of those that just want to take advantage.

This reminds me of the Desiderata, a poem on my kitchen hall which says in part:

"Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit."

You are welcome to talk here anytime

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello David35,

Sounds to me you are doing well, managing your limited finances, recovering as much as you have from your acquired brain injury, having cared for your dad, supporting your mum, & dealing with your own alcoholism & depression. It's great to see you are contributing as much as you are. to the nills, health insurance, petrol, etc. 

Hard as it is, your brother's mortgage is not your mum's or your debt. I don't know anyone who would not like to see interest rates come down so the monthly payments on a mortgage would also come down. I've also heard, recently, the banks aren't being as helpful when people try to get assistance due to hardship. I am not sure where he & his wife could go for help (I've never needed to), because even if they were being entirely frugal with their money, it's possible that wouldn't be enough unless they both find high paying jobs... it's just the way things are, now.

You've managed to negotiate with your mum, to your mutual benefit. That sounds like it's been working well for you both, & I hope it continues.

Even though you help your mum to make decisions about her money, her money is just that, hers. She may well need more of that money for her own future health care needs. Or to do with whatever she wants, really.

Your brother has made a decision to live as an independent adult, making a separate home with a wife, which comes with responsibilities, which are his & his wife's to share.

I can only hope his marriage is happy, that his work is good, or that he could find a better higher paying job (& his wife, too), so they don't lose their home.

If not, he will need to find out where he can go for financial support. You could, if you want, offer to help him with that, but only with the understanding that he cannot continue to pester you about your mum's money.

It's not an easy situation to be in. I wish you all the best & wish I could give you better advice.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[David35]

Thanks to both of you. They're both in highly paid jobs. They had regular annual holidays. This is their 3rd house they've bought, with 2 rentals in between. From my perspective they simply live beyond their means. But like you mention, it's not my business. It's mums money and we have no idea whether she will need a nursing home later in life. I just get tired of the constant complaining when I've seen them waste so much in the past.

I floated the idea with mum, but she thinks they will continue to take advantage of her generosity like they have in the past. They both barely speak to us as it is. I guess I'm trying to gauge whether I should feel sorry considering some of the poor decisions he's made (like adding onto home loans with mountain bike purchases,etc.)

[Croix]

Dear David~

I'm afraid I honestly cannot understand why yoou even begin to feel sorry for him, or either of them for that matter. They have had properties (plural),  and good jobs. Even if new interest rates bite the very worst would they would have to downsize.

They sound very distant, not part of a loving family and only speak a minimum. They are adult and well positioned. From what you have described it is you mum who needs her interest looked after -as do you

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Oh my goodness, David35 -  I think I understand better now.

Your brother & his wife are making some unwise choices, then, apartently, your mum is supposed to come to the rescue, & your brother is trying to make that happen through you, & he's not hearing "no'.

My response to that would be, since you are fed up with hearing his complaining, to tell him you won't continue to talk to him if this is all he wants to talk about. If he  continues, I'd hang up. I might even block his number. 

This becomes about boundaries. He's crossing them with his 'jokes' (as you said), when he continues his attempts to get money from your mum through you.

I am now guessing offering any sort of help would be wise, because that would leave the door open to having further conversations about money, his mortgage & him having a go at you because of how 'well-off' he seems to imagine you are.

Thanks, Croix, for reminding me of the Desiderata. It's a fantastic piece of writing.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[David35]

Thanks for your perspective. I forgot to mention they both have government jobs so have good job security and never suffered any financial losses due to economic downturn during covid. I just needed some perspective. I approached it with mum and she couldn't believe the "poor me" act that my brother was performing on me.

[David35]

I also forgot to mention the 5 TV's at last count, the cars they regularly trade in every few years and pressured me to do the same (until I did the sums and realised it all came at a cost) and the brand new home they built. He even tried to hit mum up for house maintenance many years ago because the rendering was peeling.

Mmekitty,

I think you've summed up what I felt but wasn't quite sure. Like you said he's been trying to use mum, to solve his financial problems. After dad died, he and his wife kept undermining the decisions mum and I were making, to stay living where we were, financial decisions with her super,etc. I think he wanted a portion of mums super now instead of waiting for his inheritance. And he tries to manipulate me to get it. I just thought it might have stopped when mum got cancer a few years ago (she ok now). Thanks for the perspective.