My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me

[blue_belle]

Hi,

I'm a 30 y/o woman in a long term relationship with a 29 y/o guy.

I suffer from bi-polar (mostly under control) & he suffers from anxiety & depression (he is on meds)

We have been together for 2.5 years, live together, have created a home & life together & we would like to head in the direction of marriage.

In the past year, the sex has gone from amazing & frequent to non-existent... even before he started medications he has just not wanted it.

He never initiates anymore, & then gets annoyed with me because he feels i don't initiate. The unfortunate thing is, that i really do try... but every time i do he is tired, or sick or not in the mood, or has something more important to do, or tells me my timing is terrible... so then i ask to plan it & he tells me it will feel forced & not spontaneous... but when i am being spontaneous - refer to the above. I've stopped initiating it. We are lucky if we have sex once a month, usually it is less than that & we are both physically fit, healthy & attractive.

I feel so hurt, rejected & ugly. My self confidence is now non-existent from being constantly rejected. My self esteem is shot & i am so down on myself. He said this makes it worse & it doesn't really make him feel like he wants me when i am so down... but i am so down because he doesn't want me! It is a vicious cycle 😞

I really tried to open up to him the other day & talk to him about it. I was so scared & anxious. I felt physically sick because i knew he would get the shits. Anyway, i told him how i felt & he got upset with me & told me that i shouldn't put all the blame on him & i am acting like he is the reason i feel so down about myself... (even though it is true) he got very defensive even though i told him that i was finding it difficult to talk to him about it & was worried of the consequences & i was only telling him because i love him & want us to work. I don't know what to do. I travel a lot for work & he won't even be intimate with me before i leave for a week away... then nothing when i get back.

He told me the other night before i left to go away for work, that he wanted to do it... then i went & prepared all excited, nice perfume etc... & all he wanted to do was lay on the couch. He told me he felt too awkward & forced. What do i do? I'm so depressed. He is great & i love him & want to be with him but i don't want to be in a sexless relationship forever, especially when i feel we can't talk openly about these things.

I'm so down.

[ruthiebell]

The counselling has been good. But..,it is a struggle.

[TJesse]

Wow, I am so grateful to know I am not alone in this. But I feel for each of you because I know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with little to no intimacy.

I am 29, my boyfriend is 31. On our fifth year together, we live together, house, dog, the whole lot...just not sex.

I never considered my self a overly sexual person. In fact I always thought my sex drive was below average. My previous boyfriend was asking for sex all the time and would always tell me how much he wanted me etc. Skip forward to today to my current boyfriend and it's been six months since we had any physical intimacy (beside a kiss (peck) goodnight).

I have tried to have many (very awkward) discussions with my boyfriend and say many of the feelings that you have echoed in your comments above: I feel rejected, unloved, unwanted, ugly, I'm unsure if he is being faithful, if he is okay, if I did something wrong, is he hiding something - my mind has even gone to very dark and sinister places at times...

I have made suggestions such as trying new things, does he have a fantasy etc, should we see a counsellor, would he see a Dr and perhaps get his hormones tested.

He usually tells me nothing is wrong, he is simply 'not sexual', he loves me, he wants me, but what I don't understand is if he feels that way why won't he even hold my hand...he will if I ask but I don't want to have to ask, I want someone who wants to hold my hand because they just do!

This brings me to now do I simply accept that I want someone who wants to hold my hand and that's not him and that our relationship will never work? I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I am still here, hoping because I still love him and he is a good man or if it's just too hard to leave because we have a fully set up life - I know that's no excuse.

I guess I am just looking to try and find clarity. I don't expect to get all the answers from an online post but I have found some comfort in reading each of your stories.

Thank you.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Blue_belle

You both need to build it up - sex just doesn't happen, (it can for people who do it for unhealthy reasons) there needs to be something involved before the tension begins. Think about ways or learn what helps ignite your partner, how to connect with him in an emotional and physical way and learn to just let sexy-time happen. Some partner have agreed to participate on a specific date i.e. Saturday night or after dinner or when you know he is going to be more excited. Where people go wrong is feeling the need to just-do-sex. There needs to be some build up and excitement - there needs fun, happiness and good moods involved. Both parties need to be in their element to enjoy pleasuring each other - logically speaking.

Also - something I personally do - there's so much information online or books on how to ignite the spark and to get the excitement going.

Good luck 🙂

[Guest_3256]

Need to spark it up girl. There needs to be excitement, happiness, willingness - I just learnt this myself as I was in your position - sometimes, we forget that sex just doesn't happen, it needs to be worked on.