My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me

[blue_belle]

Hi,

I'm a 30 y/o woman in a long term relationship with a 29 y/o guy.

I suffer from bi-polar (mostly under control) & he suffers from anxiety & depression (he is on meds)

We have been together for 2.5 years, live together, have created a home & life together & we would like to head in the direction of marriage.

In the past year, the sex has gone from amazing & frequent to non-existent... even before he started medications he has just not wanted it.

He never initiates anymore, & then gets annoyed with me because he feels i don't initiate. The unfortunate thing is, that i really do try... but every time i do he is tired, or sick or not in the mood, or has something more important to do, or tells me my timing is terrible... so then i ask to plan it & he tells me it will feel forced & not spontaneous... but when i am being spontaneous - refer to the above. I've stopped initiating it. We are lucky if we have sex once a month, usually it is less than that & we are both physically fit, healthy & attractive.

I feel so hurt, rejected & ugly. My self confidence is now non-existent from being constantly rejected. My self esteem is shot & i am so down on myself. He said this makes it worse & it doesn't really make him feel like he wants me when i am so down... but i am so down because he doesn't want me! It is a vicious cycle 😞

I really tried to open up to him the other day & talk to him about it. I was so scared & anxious. I felt physically sick because i knew he would get the shits. Anyway, i told him how i felt & he got upset with me & told me that i shouldn't put all the blame on him & i am acting like he is the reason i feel so down about myself... (even though it is true) he got very defensive even though i told him that i was finding it difficult to talk to him about it & was worried of the consequences & i was only telling him because i love him & want us to work. I don't know what to do. I travel a lot for work & he won't even be intimate with me before i leave for a week away... then nothing when i get back.

He told me the other night before i left to go away for work, that he wanted to do it... then i went & prepared all excited, nice perfume etc... & all he wanted to do was lay on the couch. He told me he felt too awkward & forced. What do i do? I'm so depressed. He is great & i love him & want to be with him but i don't want to be in a sexless relationship forever, especially when i feel we can't talk openly about these things.

I'm so down.

[Juliet_84]

I think he is being deliberately misleading/defensive in his responses because, like a lot of men in this area, does not want to admit that he has a problem. So he doesn't initiate but then gets angry at you for not initiating as a form of deflection, in the same way that he blamed you for "forcing things" by getting dressed up and wearing perfume etc. I know that it is frustrating and very hard not to take it personally, as women no longer feel desired in this, but it literally has nothing to do with you. This is his issue unfortunately, one thing that I do agree with him on is that undue pressure on him is going to exacerbate this. That being said, he also needs to face facts and talk about this more openly instead of blame you.

[rhinoceros]

I'm in a long term relationship and my girlfriend and I have(and are still having) difficulties in the bedroom department. Unfortunately I was on medication that had a severe effect on my ability to perform in the bedroom. This happened several times, my girlfriend was understanding at first but eventually stopped being so understanding. There's no word to describe how demoralising and how pathetic it made me feel. I felt (and still do to an extent) like I'm not a 'real' man.

My depression was manageable before but after these problems it spiralled out of control.

I remember one instance where I couldn't 'perform' - I was screamed at, verbally abused and left to cry myself to sleep. Just recalling this experience to share here is painful.

My medication situation is okay now- everything functions as it should- but I am scared of intimacy now after these horrific experiences. I see a sex therapist and am making positive progress but the key to getting anywhere with things like this is communication. For quite some time I was scared to bring up the topic with my girlfriend in fear of being scolded.

My girlfriend felt as if I didn't love her or find her attractive. She couldn't have been more wrong, but I can completely understand why she felt that way.

We are working through these issues now, my girlfriend is much more understanding now, and I'm working hard to ensure I communicate properly.I do see a light at the end this awful tunnel, where as a few months ago I didn't.

[Juliet_84]

Rhinoceros,

I'm so sorry that your girlfriend reacted that way, that must have been traumatic for you. My most recent ex (we broke up for other reasons) had issues in the bedroom department too, but it honestly didn't bother me one bit, all I cared about was that he was having a good time with me and felt comfortable, and we worked with what we had on the day and after time it actually became a non-issue because he felt so relaxed in a judgment-free environment. There's a quote that goes "watch carefully the magic that occurs, when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves", it's what I would most like in a person so I try and be that for someone else. But I think communication is key. We're all insecure in relationships, and so there is always that doubt that "maybe I'm not enough" "maybe they don't find me attractive", and so I think reassurance is key. There's nothing for men to be ashamed of, women are just spoilt that there's no such pressure for us so we don't really understand.

[RexyA]

Hi Blue_Belle

I am in the exact same position as you are however I am 23yo and my partner is 26. We are lucky if we have sex once every two months. We are both fit and active and in love too but the only thing that lacks is sex. I have also tried approaching him about it, even burst into tears because i was so embarrassed to be so upset about the topic. He also reacted the same way as your partner saying that me wanting it made him not want it, but he didnt want to be the one to always initiate it, when I try to initiate it he mocks me or just yawns and says he is tired.

I wouldnt jump to conclusions to say that he is cheating or anything, some women in fact have a higher sex drive than males.

It definitely isn't normal though. I have read alot of different articles on this particular topic, there are a few things that have stuck out to me - maybe try increasing (his - but if you want to be subtle you both could do it) intake more fat in your diet. Now i don't mean sugary fats but i mean the healthy fats such as Avocado or almonds. These apparently increase testosterone levels. Also, when it comes to the act, don't 'prep' yourself, maybe, when you are both lying in bed, start slowly trying to seduce him or do something (that you may normally do like cuddling or something) and try to make the seduction semi-normal... My partner also told me that he doesn't want too much foreplay because he just 'loses interest' and he doesn't want it to be forced and I have to pick up on some kind of clue that he is in the mood, right at that second, otherwise he just won't be in the mood.

Also, lack of sleep will affect his sex drive and if he has alot on his mind (with regards to his anxiety and depression) that definitely lowers the sex drive too.

Take it one day at a time. Maybe try increasing the good fat intake, maybe exercising more, or don't exercise 3 hours before you go to sleep, and try getting more sleep. If he says he is 'keen', just go straight for it (up to you).

Ultimately though, i have been considering this decision myself lately, if he doesn't come to the party or try - then you need to evaluate whether he is in fact meeting your needs?

I hope this helps!

[Flashx]

Like many of you here, I too have a partner that has given up on sex but what’s worse is that he makes me feel terrible when I bring it up, it doesn’t matter what I do, he just doesn’t want to engage or even look at me let alone touch me. If I try to get him aroused, he grabs my hand and throws it away, it makes me feel so terrible inside, it’s been years, so long that I can’t remember. I feel like I’m a nun, I’m just expected to have no sexual love life and it hurts deeply. I’ve concidered breaking up with him but I love him. Sometimes I get so angry about it that I consider cheating on him but I couldn’t live with myself if I did. Having a sexless life is a cruel, it’s a basic need and he’s denying that need. I don’t know what to do, sounds like I’m not the only one grieving through this.

[Quercus]

Hi Rexy and Flash and anyone else reading,

Yep another woman with a higher drive than her spouse here. It sucks to be rejected. Truly is a giant kick in the guts as a woman (although I'm sure blokes feel just as rubbish too).

I went about the problem a different way. By accepting I have needs.

Sometimes that means if he's sitting on the couch tuning out I'll strip off where he can see and go take care of myself. Loudly. He usually turns off the tv. And those days he doesn't I just accept his comment "have fun?" with a cheerful "yep too bad you missed out".

I don't ask or nag for sex. I aim to flirt and make him curious. Doesn't always work but I try.

Purposefully shaking things up helped too. I remember him thinking I had a shopping list and then going red when he realised it was a list of fantasties. Yes or no husband of mine?

Basically what I'm getting at is I've given up feeling shy or ashamed. He's my husband. I don't want sex with anyone else. I want him. And he knows that sex and intimacy for me are a dealbreaker. I don't care how we go about being intimate.

But if we're in the same house and he's acting like a housemate then something has to change. Constant rejection isn't fair or sustainable in a marriage/relationship in my mind.

Good on you for speaking up.

[Kim1988]

Completely understand what you are going through in terms of your boyfriend not initiating. One does feel maybe they aren’t attracted to me in that way or my mind wandered to the worst case scenario that he was getting it elsewhere. I had the same issue with my boyfriend until a little while ago. We’re about the same age as you guys. I’m 30 and he’s 34. We have been together for almost a year now. Until about a month ago we were living in different cities. Him in Melbourne and me in Sydney. We live together now. He never initiated things with me in the sexual aspect. Eventually I felt that our relationship was kind of in a rut until one of us brought it up. I took the initiative and I asked him about it and he was honest and said he was waiting until we were in a more stable situation so it had nothing to do with him not being attracted to me or anything like that.

I think you just have to lay all the cards on the table and tell him how you’re feeling, which it sounds like you have done, but maybe he feels awkward to discuss it? Maybe instead of discussing it in a way that shifts the blame onto him maybe introduce the discussion in a way of asking him if there’s anything you can work on together as a couple? That way if he has any concerns he can express them to you as well. At the end of the day you guys need to feel like you can talk about sex with each other. If you can’t talk about it with your partner who can you talk about it with?

[Sarah1113]

this struck a cord with me and was quite helpful in with stilling hope 🙂

[wilga]

My boyfriend and I of 5 years own a business together, have a debt together, work all day together, live together. Our house is tiny, he doesn't have a 'man area'. We are newly married. The relationship is everything and more I could ever want from a husband and best friend. He is quite independent, I definitely 'need' him. So while sometimes he needs space I need him. I am slowly learning how and when to give him space! However, I am still trying to come to terms with our difference in sexual desires. The first 18 months of our relationship we couldn't keep our hands off each other, however, since starting our business together and spending all day together the flame is suffocating. While I feel I could have him anywhere anytime all day everyday, he can go for 6 or 8 weeks without any 'need' at all. He is definitely not cheating on me (reassurance for some of you who are concerned about that) and I know he loves me more then anything else and I am the most important thing to him. But it still hurts to have constant rejection. I felt like there was something wrong with me/ what I was doing sexually. I accidently came across porn on his phone (we use each others phones for work all the time) and it felt like I had my insides ripped out. I have tried to have conversations with him which end in me in tears and him consoling me. I have tried to make light of the situation by using sexual innuendos. He tells me to stop being gross. I have tried to spice things up by buying toys, when the parcel arrived I gave it to him he opened it and left it on the bench for a month until I packed it for a trip away. We played with a couple of things when we were drunk but he hasn't initiated them since. A while ago I decided to stop trying to initiate as I was sick of being pushed away, we weren't intimate for 10 weeks. He is really keen to have babies, I have slowly come around to the idea and am now as keen as he has been, I am actually really excited. I thought this might spice things up again but alas he thinks we should just carry on as normal and let it happen, not actively initiate it. Some nights I lie in bed just hoping he will touch me and when he does my body reacts very quickly, as soon as he realises he rolls over the other way. It is a terrible feeling. I know he is unhappy about it too but I don't know where to go from here to reignite the passion. It is becoming an elephant in the room.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Hello again 🙂

I posted here last November with the same issues (I'm 25, he's 24, almost 9 years together now). I said that I will update with any news in case it might help 'blue_belle' or someone else; and I am posting because I have some progress (maybe not great but it's something). I spoke to the man after my last post, when I was exhausted from trying all avenues except counselling (simply because I'm poor), and I have tried to be so open and a good listener; to make him feel safe in what he tells me and that I won't get upset or angry. It took him years to tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but apparently the reason he did not want sex any more was mostly because he became sick of it or bored of it after moving in together. He compared it (nicely) to him eating so much of one fruit that he became sick of it. Now, I know for certain that he loves me and he assures me that he's still attracted to me and does not want anyone else. Apparently he just doesn't feel like sex any more. This is of course as well as some standards such as being too tired after work etc, but that was the biggest reason. After he came out to me I tried to do my part, to not pressure him and to just make things fun and care free (this is one reason contributing to why he was wanting it less apparently), and this worked for a while! Things were great again for a few months, and now he feels (well I hope) that he can be more open to me. But sadly, the last 2 months have gone back to the usual. So this isn't a happy ending, but I wanted to fill in my update in case it can be helpful to someone else.

P.s. I like your ideas 'Quercus' in trying something completely different, so thanks for the tip 🙂