My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me

[blue_belle]

Hi,

I'm a 30 y/o woman in a long term relationship with a 29 y/o guy.

I suffer from bi-polar (mostly under control) & he suffers from anxiety & depression (he is on meds)

We have been together for 2.5 years, live together, have created a home & life together & we would like to head in the direction of marriage.

In the past year, the sex has gone from amazing & frequent to non-existent... even before he started medications he has just not wanted it.

He never initiates anymore, & then gets annoyed with me because he feels i don't initiate. The unfortunate thing is, that i really do try... but every time i do he is tired, or sick or not in the mood, or has something more important to do, or tells me my timing is terrible... so then i ask to plan it & he tells me it will feel forced & not spontaneous... but when i am being spontaneous - refer to the above. I've stopped initiating it. We are lucky if we have sex once a month, usually it is less than that & we are both physically fit, healthy & attractive.

I feel so hurt, rejected & ugly. My self confidence is now non-existent from being constantly rejected. My self esteem is shot & i am so down on myself. He said this makes it worse & it doesn't really make him feel like he wants me when i am so down... but i am so down because he doesn't want me! It is a vicious cycle 😞

I really tried to open up to him the other day & talk to him about it. I was so scared & anxious. I felt physically sick because i knew he would get the shits. Anyway, i told him how i felt & he got upset with me & told me that i shouldn't put all the blame on him & i am acting like he is the reason i feel so down about myself... (even though it is true) he got very defensive even though i told him that i was finding it difficult to talk to him about it & was worried of the consequences & i was only telling him because i love him & want us to work. I don't know what to do. I travel a lot for work & he won't even be intimate with me before i leave for a week away... then nothing when i get back.

He told me the other night before i left to go away for work, that he wanted to do it... then i went & prepared all excited, nice perfume etc... & all he wanted to do was lay on the couch. He told me he felt too awkward & forced. What do i do? I'm so depressed. He is great & i love him & want to be with him but i don't want to be in a sexless relationship forever, especially when i feel we can't talk openly about these things.

I'm so down.

[Bellabird]

Hi everyone 🙂

I came across this forum so late. I am in a similar situation and just thought maybe what I’ve learnt can help.

I am currently engaged to my boyfriend of 2years plus. We are 34, healthy and working professionals.

About 6 months into our relationship he stopped wanting to have sex. After that we were averaging once every month maybe. It didn’t feel right. We had a good conversation about it and my boyfriend looked into it deeper and he realized he had PIED (porn induced erection dis function). It took a lot for him to come to terms with this. There is now a large body of research and studies that show what high speed internet and the never-ending novelty of porn does to the brain. Basically real sex with a partner is no longer stimulating and he would rather get “in the mood” with porn.

A couple of good books that talk about this are “Your brain on porn” and “The brain that changes itself”. There are also some online research papers that are helpful if you’re interested.

I found that understanding what was happening really helped. It allowed me to see that it wasn’t personal and that it’s quite a wide spread problem for younger couples today.

Having said that, it’s still hard some days. I miss the connection.

My boyfriend has quit porn and masturbating. Things are getting much better, he still relapses sometimes but he’s only human. This has really tested our relationship and our commitment. I’ve had to learn to be more understanding and forgiving. At the same time, the amount of effort he has put into kicking the porn addiction makes me realize how much he loves me.

Everyone’s situation is different. I just hope my experience may help in some cases. Lots of love!!

[Fetherdfriendz1980]

Hello All, i am truly disturbed and saddened by how many people have this problem too! I am 38 years old and have dated my share of men over the years but my current relationship going on 3 years now is the most unsexual one i have ever been in. My boyfriend constantly tells me that he loves and that im beautiful but getting.him.to sleep with me is like pulling teeth. He acts like its a chore and only concedes when i threaten to leave him. He makes me feel ugly and worthless. He is verbally abusive and controlling. He is also bi polar and stopped taking his meds. He says sex is "unproductive "

[RisingFromMyAshes]

You are not alone love. I am married, I have a kid aged 3 as well.

Hubby would rather use his hand , no affection towards me at all.

When I pull him he just pushes me away. I have stopped asking too. I feel broken and unworthy yes.

Even I dont know what the solution is, I wish i knew

[RisingFromMyAshes]

In the exact same spot. I feel so bad. So rejected.

[ruthiebell]

I am in same situation. It is horrible. My boyfriend of 2.5 years will no engage sexually at all. Will not barely kiss me. We have a wonderful relationship aside from this which sounds bizarre. When we first met, he was all over me. It then stopped. He told me it was because he likes to take things slowly if he really likes a woman to avoid people getting hurt. Made good sense. He then told me that it was because he had been very hurt by a woman who he had let into his life and he found it easier to have sex with people he was not emotionally connected to. That was over two years ago. He has on occasion become aroused but we have only ever engaged sexually about four times in 2.5 years. We have had intercourse once. I did find out that very very early on in or relationship he had sex with a woman one night that he had been seeing casually before we met. I was understandably furious. We broke up for a while last year and he told me that he had met a woman and had sex. He did not want to stay with her as he said 'I did not want to have sex with someone I had no emotional connection to and I realised that I love you'. He also admitted to the hope of meeting someone when away on work conferences. He states that this never happened, but who knows. He really does not engage in conversation about it. I try to talk about it but it is more me talking. He says that he doesn't feel any passion towards me. He is a great boyfriend aside from this. We are very intimate in other ways physically and have a stack of fun together. He is now up to his second counsellor. It is the most horrible thing ever. It is like he really doesn't care what this means for me. I am 55 and he is 44. I feel like crap and it is creating the most horrible anxiety where I often cannot sleep. Love this man dearly. I guess this speaks to my own dysfunction. Sad situation.

[Quercus]

Hi Ruthiebell and welcome to the forums,

I'm in absolute awe of you right now. It isn't easy to give posting a go let alone share something that clearly causes you a lot of pain and anxiety. But I'm glad that you spoke about it.

I have sat and thought for a while about your post. Tried over and over to understand how you are able to be so patient and accepting and figure you're a heck of a lot stronger than I am because I just couldn't accept this.

The part where you mentioned your boyfriend saying he loves you yet feels no passion towards you was so upsetting just to read.

One thing that I wondered (and it is absolutely ok to say I've overstepped or just ignore me) is whether he would accept you seeking sex and passion elsewhere if it is something he is unable to give. The idea makes me uncomfortable but you mentioned you love him and I suppose I wondered if you had asked him ways to work around his limitations because your needs matter too?

Sorry in advance if that is inappropriate or rude to ask about.

Nat

[ruthiebell]

Hi Nat,

Thank you for your reply and your empathic and caring response.

You have not overstepped the mark at all. I have thought about your suggestion but I don’t want to do that. It would not feel right for me. He will not engage in conversation. He has told me that he has stopped seeing his counsel or and that he was feeling ‘pressured and harrassed’. This is in my view not what I have done as I have only expressed how it feels for me and what I would like to have happen (in terms of communication and attempts together(r to sort the situation). It is hard.

[Quercus]

Hi Ruthiebell and thank you for returning to post again. I'm relieved that my post wasn't upsetting.

Just like last time I've sat and thought about your post and how to reply. You said your situation is hard and that feels like an understatement to me. I wish I knew how to help.

It was really lovely to read that you considered the idea and then decided it wasn't right for you. I agree totally that whatever you decide to do needs to feel comfortable for you.

Do you think it might be helpful for you to see a professional for counselling? Your partner doesn't sound very willing to seek help but that doesn't mean it wont help you to have someone to reach out to for extra support.

I suppose the question that keeps coming to mind is... Do you think that if the relationship stays as it is that you can accept this? Your needs matter too.

Whatever happens the forums are here for you to talk whenever you need to.

Nat

[ruthiebell]

Hi Nat,

Thank you for your response. Yes, my needs matter. I have sought out a counsellor who specials in sex therapy. My partner has asked to come with me which is great. Hopefully a way forward. x

[Quercus]

Hello again Ruthiebell,

That is fantastic news! Thank you for sharing your update. Considering in previous posts it had sounded like your partner wasn't open to change it is so great to hear that he asked to come with you.

That is a huge step forward even if it may not feel like it. I found it so difficult even to get my husband to come to my psychiatrist with me (and that was to get his views to help with my diagnosis not about sex). So I'm quietly hopeful for you both.

If you want to share how it goes I'm sure others on this thread who have had similar issues (and me too) would appreciate hearing how you are doing.

wishing you luck and hopefully some positive changes!

Nat