Moving on, guilt.

[BlueHeart82]

Hi,

My wife of 7 years and I separated nearly two years ago. We had been together for 18 years altogether. We have one beautiful daughter who is 5 and the centre of both our worlds. 
I started dating a former work colleague and friend about 7 months ago and this did not go down well. My ex blames this lady for my marriage break down and everything that came with it. She hates her. 
We have always had a very amicable relationship due to our daughter but recently I have wanted to introduce her to my partner, gradually of course. I initially respected the fact that my ex hates this lady but she is part of my life and she wants to meet my beautiful daughter. 
mum current partner feels that I always put her in second place to my ex because she feels I am far too accommodating co parenting because I feel guilt over breaking up my daughters family even though I was unhappy. 
I don’t know what to do, my daughter is my main priority and if this means sacrificing relationships then so be it. 
I can see no light at the end of the tunnel, either I lose my current partner who is a fantastic caring, and loving person who deserves the best of me,  it I don’t see how I can give her 100% of me when I still guilt over what has happened with my ex. 
My ex has just started dating and this has probably triggered me into thinking will we ever get past this and can we all be happy ? 
Any advice would be great as I have nobody to talk to… because everyone is involved in but sides ! 
I deal with people’s problems everyday in my career but I can not sort my own. Help. 

[randomxx]

Hi op.

Sadly l can say that l went through all this myself but my d was number 1 then and still is 10yrs later.

You keep things the way you do with ex for your daughter, all the selfish childish divorced sep' parents out there that don't do that well, are a bloody disgrace and very sadly it's their kids that pay the price. l really can't even comprehend how they act it's beyond me and just breaks my heart for their kids.

Does your gf have kids, has she been through all this herself ?

aT any rate unfortunately yeah, have had and been through v similar grumbles myself but stood my ground. l mean my gf's son comes above all else for her and me, l'd expect no less, l want and expect him to be how could he not. She brought him into the world 30yrs ago but l've only been in their world 5yrs and as important as a new partner is it's not the same thing.

And l have the same views with my own daughter . My partner does understand it and sort of agrees but at the same time she's also complained and also about my relationship with ex w too. Well, l hate ex's partner too but ex w and l, we are my d's parents and we'll always work together for her best. lt's been 10yrs but we always have and always will and have tried our best to still be the best parents we can and so we need to communicate and still do to this day, all the time.

He doesn't like it and neither does my gf buttttt , it's the way it is and always will be.

l'd met somebody else much earlier but at 3yrs l still hadn't introe'd her to my d, bc l wanted to be 110% sure of both her and of it going ok but , we later split anyway so there ya go, l'm glad l didn't. But she carried on a lot too.

Partner now she met her at around 21/2 yrs but with her l knew she would be good to her understanding and would look after her and she did and has and they like ea other a lot and yaknow, it's been really nice.

Unfortunately we're having some problems just of late and well, l'm not sure how things will pan out atm butttt, just more reasons why we should try to wait for the right time and know that we can trust the situation but also def' too, to never change being the best parents we can be along the way either.

Good luck anyway and yaknow, l guess we have to try to keep everyone happy in this situation but at the same time you gotta do too , what you gotta do.

rx

[randomxx]

Just on the guilt thing btw , afraid l have no answers for that one. Although l didn't initiate our divorce l pretty well caused it though nonetheless and still have guilt even after all this time.

Not only for my d and her family but also through things with ex too. My d and l have had some talks over the yrs and as l was saying l've also done my absolute best to be the best dad l can be like this, and l still do. And back when also wrote ex some letters explaining some things and of my guilts and regrets too.

l think though on your new lady, she should understand the way your feeling and the need to be patient with time you'll need.You haven't even been together very long or separated from your ex very long either after 18yrs and then there's your daughter.

[BlueHeart82]

Morning, 

Thank you for the reply. I have struggled with this for awhile and similar to you, my daughter is Number 1 in my life and always will be and everyone knows that. 
I have a couple of things I need to sort really in my opinion. 
Firstly, although we have a good relationship, people close to me reckon that I get taken advantage of and I do so much to help my ex ( I think because I feel guilty for my daughter ). 
Commit to my current partner if she still wants to do and introduce my daughter as she always feels second place to my ex and that is certainly not fair on her. 
Most of all I need to find in my heart what will make me happy… in my unhappiness I have even looked at the thought of getting back with ex for daughters sake but looking through rose tinted glasses we probably have drifted apart so not sure if old issues would just re surface. 
I feel I can have a wonderful life with my current partner as she is caring, fun and a great person to be around. 
Lots of decisions to be made ….

[randomxx]

Morng op.

Yeah , you got serious things goin on there, unfortunately you needed more time before something new.

l took 4yrs totally alone, just time either with my daughter or else alone. l wanted to get myself straight, just be me for awhile and not rush into anything.

l probably would've gotten back together to we did have big love once, but there was someone else- she married him in the end but tbh she doesn't seem herself or very happy. Still, l also still see even now all the things the broke us up too so l doubt we'd even still work anyway. But that was us, although can hear some of that in you too though sorry to say.

lf there's no kids involved you could give it a go but since there is we need to be 110% sure bc we can't put them through this again yaknow. But then for you there's the new lady too soooo.

l'll say one thing your gf and friends do sound like they're right though tbh bc nah, you can't stay too close to ex or be doing all this other stuff if there is someone new in your life, it's just parenting. Ex and l have never even talked about anything else, it's always been just anything concerning our d. 

l probably would've liked just a little bit more but this new guy right through doesn't like her anywhere near me.

He's ok these days about our parenting but that's it.

Not that l care what he's ok about it's just that that does effect her l've noticed it right through still, she stands her ground about our parenting though so that's the main thing.

Anyway.

rx