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HELP !! What to do

Community Member


My new partner and his 9 yr old daughter disrespect me, When I first meet them I thought she was a beautiful little girl 7 then and treated her as my own. I have 6 adult kids and 6 grandkids so have experience.

But then the cries when he kissed me and not her, tantrums actually. We would hug she throw tantrum- I was like WT !! 🫤 I would be speaking to hubby on phone when he was in shower, next minute here’s her voice saying hello !!  Wow 😮 

anyhow moved in with them, gave up my home for this relationship, resigned her room to be a little girls room, bought her girls clothes, took them out to Disney on ICE etc .

i put a routine into place oh well it starts, she does wrong she goes to her room and the crying no tears for hours.

then we have her saying rude things about daddy, drawing him naked. 
teacher calls me she is trying to get boys down back of oval she is 8 now, makes statements about her dad, and a lot more.

then steals from me, lies are constant and stealing , from our room. Make up jewellery, trinkets, tanning lotion, money , stationary , money food omg .

Dad accuses me of lying about daughter doing this.

covers for her, blah blah blah.

i teach her responsibility, respect etc well I thought I did .

nope nearly 2 years and she still doing it.

she manipulated me I think she is great then I catch her running out of our room .

when caught she cries please daddy please when asked why no response just cries and acts like the victim.

I have lost $100’s of dollars of items, she won’t apologise nor stop.

i can not live here in peace I can’t trust her.

this is killing me because WHY ? 
She talks adult talk she not a kid why ? 
We fight me and hubby over this hubby won’t acknowledge what I go through he just throws it back to me.

what do I do? 
I have PTSD already work full time for Government 3 days at home 2 in office. 
every time I am not home I get back from city and she has taken my stuff broke something or stolen foods for my lunches.


even when I am home working she steals in front of me then cries when caught and says I don’t know when asked why did you do this ? 

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome


I'm sorry I havent any good news for you.


I have experience in this field. 7 years as a step dad to a little boy 2-9yo, 2 kids of my own that had a step mum for 10 years and I was step dad to two teenagers. Also my current wife is step mum to my now adult daughters, one calls her mum and doesnt see her birth mother.


What I do know is that your relationship is unlikely to last long term even medium term. The chemistry needed for step parent harmony is unique and rare. Yes, the discipline required in this case, from her father is absolutely required but also your enthusiasm to make it all work actually goes against the possibility of it all working out. As a step parent it is a unique calm, let things go type personality that works best and if that isnt you, you arent going to change. . Eg her teacher shouldnt be talking to you but to her father. Everything you listen to then gets  interpreted will be scrutinised by him and his daughter. I'm a great believer that step parent and the kids need to have a friendship only relationship... nothing more until the love comes around naturally. But it isnt your fault if you are not suitable.


The theft thing will pass eventually. Until then a lock and key is the only way as your partner doesnt trust your account of events. Bare in mind that there is a lot of psychological theories in her behaviour like resentment and jealousy. At the moment she is seeing you as competition, even worse.


I had a step son 14yo. For 3 months he wouldnt acknowledge my existence. One day I bought a mobile crib for his sister that had a baby. So, treating equal I bought him a swiss Army knife. He didnt touch it for 2 hours and when no one watched he took it, played with it and it was like xmas came, he accepted me. But he was also jealous and yes, spoilt. It drove me nuts. When he moved from home it all was ok, but then his mother had issues with my daughters. Frankly they couldnt do anything right. I eventually left the relationship as her jealousy was too much to bare.


All relationships are different however and that is just a taste of what I tolerated and being in the middle is tough as well.


I'm sorry you sold your house, in hindsight trying out the dynamics of your partner and his child in a living arrangement would have been the way to go. What I would suggest now is that however you go about it, this problem is better fixed now than later with counselling if possible because if my experience is anything to go by things are not going to change with your partner nor your step child, I'm also sorry to say.  If it means dividing up the assets from your house again so be it.


Some men with children expect the new flame to mother their kids when they never could fill the shoes not through want of trying but the absence of genes...


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