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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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m0ira Not coping after the break up
  • replies: 3

My boyfriend and I of 9 months broke up about 5 weeks ago. We started seeing each other when the Melbourne lockdown finished and he became my whole world. I was trekking across the city to watch his cricket games, or to just hold his hand while he co... View more

My boyfriend and I of 9 months broke up about 5 weeks ago. We started seeing each other when the Melbourne lockdown finished and he became my whole world. I was trekking across the city to watch his cricket games, or to just hold his hand while he coached because all I wanted was to be around him. I knew that he was a busy guy when we got together but at times it was hard, between uni, work, cricket (he was at cricket events min 5 days a week) and our relationship. This became something I said bothered me because I felt like I was the last item on the list and the solution was for me to cope through cricket season and then he'd have more time for me when it finished. This happened for a period of time which I was grateful for, we seemed to be getting on well and even planned a holiday away together with friends, this is where the cracks started showing. When we were away he was always making remarks and comments, comments that would belittle me and make me feel small and when I would get upset I was 'ruining the holiday'. The Saturday after we got back was our 6 month anniversary which I was really excited to celebrate with him but he bailed on me to watch the footy with his dad and then got really angry at me, thinking that I was trying to control him when I would make comment on how it made me feel sad that he wasn't spending that day with me. Later that night he came round with flowers and apologized and I forgave him. Then his dad gets drunk at his 50th and starts laying into me about how I was trying to control his son and how I needed to back off. I went to bed beside myself in tears feeling confused because my ex called the shots in our relationship. I was still upset the next day but my ex refused to come see me and comfort me. Fast forward and from here we spent the next 2 months fighting every other day and not getting on, he wanted to leave multiple times but I was always convinced that we could fix things. The intimacy stopped and he became more physical with me. He would push me, pinch me, trip me, scream at me for taking up too much of the bed. I know that in reality the break up was for the best because in the end he started treating me really poorly, doing things like screaming at me in the street on nights out and punching walls to make me feel physically unsafe, however, I've not been able to shake this feeling of missing him and loneliness since and all I want to do is reach out to talk to him even though I know I need to let go.

Losttwentysomething_ Will I be alone forever?
  • replies: 12

Hi All, I'm not sure if this is a place to discuss this manner but here goes; I have recently ended a very brief relationship with a guy that I liked. We went out for about a month before I decided to end it to avoid him getting hurt and I didn't wan... View more

Hi All, I'm not sure if this is a place to discuss this manner but here goes; I have recently ended a very brief relationship with a guy that I liked. We went out for about a month before I decided to end it to avoid him getting hurt and I didn't want to string anyone along. I guess I'm worried about how I go about dating now as I am new to the dating world, have never been in a relationship, never had sex and I am naive with communicating with guys and understanding their body language and their way of communicating as well as mine, apparently my body & mind are not in sync. For example I hooked up with this guy I went out with, I certainly didn't plan on doing this with him but it happened and then the night after I ended it with him I hooked up with another guy I literally just met at my place of work (these hookups took place two weeks apart). I don't know what has got into me. Perhaps it was because dating this guy made me feel confident within myself and I was on a 'confidence boost' when I hooked up with both of these guys at the time. I have had strict, over-protective parents/ older brother growing up so I wasn't allowed to go out and date anyone until recently as I am now 25 (will be 26 this year) I am worried that I will never find anyone, that I will run out of time to have children, that men will just use me as I am a virgin (or perhaps I will lead myself to that opportunity quite easily as I am so naive and not in sync). I am shy and have low self esteem so I don't have much friends to go out with. I am worried that I have left dating too late in my life, even though at age 23 I was not at all ready to date (I found this out through experience which I later regretted) I worry that I will be alone forever as I am not trying hard enough and that no one is going to want someone who is inexperienced at that age and later. I also worry why I have been behaving this way with guys to just hookup with them. I wasn't raised like this and feel it is not in my nature (or so I think). Is anyone able to shed some light on this on why I'm behaving irresponsibly??

Ijustneedhelp No Energy - not sure if mental or physical
  • replies: 4

Hi. Where do I start? I spend each day just wishing I could sleep all day or play video games. I feel lethargic and tired and weak all day everyday and have 0 energy. My wife and I have our first place we bought a few months back and it's chore doing... View more

Hi. Where do I start? I spend each day just wishing I could sleep all day or play video games. I feel lethargic and tired and weak all day everyday and have 0 energy. My wife and I have our first place we bought a few months back and it's chore doing everything. I am at my wits end because on weekends my wife is doing everything and I'm dragging behind her not caring and just wanting to sleep until I feel more energetic. I started a new job just over a month ago (at a factory) I don't love it I don't hate it. Just eh. Money is still coming in. The hours suck though. I start at 3pm and finish anywhere between 12am - 1am. I dont usually sleep till 3 or 4am. And this cycle just goes on and on. I could sleep all day, everyday. It is a fight to just get out of bed let alone face the day. I don't feel like I'm living. Just going through motions. Is this a mental thing or something wrong with my body? I'm worried and it's casing my wife to dislike me (she'll never admit it, but I can tell)

LCS How long should I wait or should I even...
  • replies: 4

I met a lady back in May this year who I absolutely adore and fell in love with a few years after the breakdown of my marriage. I swore when my marriage broke up never again would I give my heart to another, but I did. I told her of a mistake I made ... View more

I met a lady back in May this year who I absolutely adore and fell in love with a few years after the breakdown of my marriage. I swore when my marriage broke up never again would I give my heart to another, but I did. I told her of a mistake I made in my past which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because its sh*t, doesn't represent me or my values, but if I don't tell and someone finds out then its just going to be even worse. Things were great. She's 51, I am 50. I was the first person who ever gave her a rose. I never raised a finger which she liked because she'd been beaten by an ex and also by the boyfriend before me. We went camping, hiking, cooked together, hung out, had picnics. Even our love life was great but she thought I had issues because i couldn't get there about 1/2 the time that she blamed on stuff that wasn't true. For the next 5 months we broke up and got back together again and it was either because she was afraid that her adult children would abandon her if they found out because they wouldn't understand like she did. The other time had to do with a seed planted in her head that her narcissistic ex would end up coming back into her life even though she didn't want him. We spoke about supporting each other, getting married and building a house together. Everything seemed just perfect aside my my increasing anxiety that each time we got back together when would we break up again. It has now ended after she went to a volunteer fire training and decided that if anyone ever found out we could never live a normal life due to ex bikies, cops, etc volunteering there. She'd been away 3 weeks and I bought her an expensive day spa package that she never went to despite knowing about and I lost my money. I didn't want anything other than her to enjoy it as I knew how tough it had been in her first FIFO role. I miss her soo much and on the one hand I want to try and find someone on Tinder again (even though its a minefield of scammers and idiots its where I met this lovely lady) and on the other hand I feel like I am cheating and that if she sees me there it will send a message to her that I don't care about her even though I do. Just soo confused as to if I should start looking or just remain lonely. Maybe my mistake in the past means I don't deserve anyone. I am now on anti-depressants for the first time in my life and a lots to do with this break-up. How long should I wait or should I even bother? Truly heartbroken..

goodness Where do I go from here
  • replies: 2

I have been in my marriage for 18 years. Things were good when we first met but they slowly started to slip away. I found out my husband was an alcoholic. I didn’t know before we lived together I had no idea, then we moved in together, fell pregnant ... View more

I have been in my marriage for 18 years. Things were good when we first met but they slowly started to slip away. I found out my husband was an alcoholic. I didn’t know before we lived together I had no idea, then we moved in together, fell pregnant then it felt like everything started to fall apart. I already had a child to a previous marriage and my husband had 3 children so I didn’t want this child to be a statistic. Time has gone by, marriage became very toxic and unfortunately my eldest son coped so much abuse. All I wanted to do was leave. I had no money, no family close by, I did not know what to do. I finally decided to leave after 10 years of alcoholic abuse, being second to the bottle was too much for me to handle anymore, then he stopped drinking so I wouldn’t go. I was so angry that he allowed the children and I to go through so much torment then when he was going to loose something he changed. Overnight. Just stopped drinking. Eight years now have passed since and he has started drinking again, my children are men, my husband pays me no attention again and decides to look elsewhere for attention. I have had enough again he says he will change. I’m so scared to go out on my own. Can I do it?Can I afford it? I can’t live like this anymore. 18 years is enough heartache. I fell guilty to leave him. I just want to please him. I’m scared I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t feel for him like I use to, I can’t get close to him. I’m lost.

batticus Paranoia after leaving emotionally abusive partner
  • replies: 16

Hi everyone I recently left my GF of 5 1/2 years. My counsellor suspects she may be a covert narcissist based on the behaviours. Research into that topic really hit home, it explained so much. It's been 2 weeks since I broke up with her. Without doub... View more

Hi everyone I recently left my GF of 5 1/2 years. My counsellor suspects she may be a covert narcissist based on the behaviours. Research into that topic really hit home, it explained so much. It's been 2 weeks since I broke up with her. Without doubt it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. The weeks leading up to the break up were horrific. My mental health deteriorated to the lowest point it's ever been. I had to leave. It's been up and down since. I'm okay - but I'm extremely paranoid. I feel like she's hiding around the corner all the time. In the early days after the break-up she was texting me; I replied politely but firmly telling her that I don't want to talk. The tone of the messages became more angry, so I blocked her number. It's the first time I've ever had to block someone. After that, she managed to leave a voicemail from a different phone number. I sent one final text message responding; simply saying that I need to get well again and I need her to leave me alone. Anyway, I have received a few strange missed calls - all from phone numbers I don't know. I rarely get calls like that. I've had to change my phone number. The problem is the paranoia has extended to me being afraid of turning lights on in my own home etc. I'm afraid she will show up if it's obvious that I'm there. I realise I'm probably being irrational. I've been walking on eggshells for 5 1/2 years- it's a hard habit to break. Thanks for listening Batticus

Capybara Pregnant - partner suffers depression, anxiety and alcoholism
  • replies: 12

Hello all, Firstly I am so grateful to have this community even though it's been a while since I engaged. So thank you in advance for any support offered. I am 20 weeks pregnant, planned pregnancy that we were/are both very excited about. My partner ... View more

Hello all, Firstly I am so grateful to have this community even though it's been a while since I engaged. So thank you in advance for any support offered. I am 20 weeks pregnant, planned pregnancy that we were/are both very excited about. My partner is an alcoholic and has suffered from severe depression and anxiety for years. He has got help on and off but discontinued counselling a couple of months ago and stopped taking anti-depressants prior to that. I love him incredibly deeply and see the beautiful person he is every day, but the substance use definitely masks that and he becomes very hostile and also just doesn't like being around me when he drinks because he knows he's "letting me down" even if I don't say anything. So I am feeling incredibly isolated as he has been drinking every night lately. He also works in a very stressful environment supporting homeless youth in crisis. He's fantastic at his work but it leaves him very burnt out at the end of the day so emotional support is not really something I can lean on him for. He's aware of all of this too, like he says he feels trapped in alcoholism, that he feels he isn't supporting me enough, but hearing that when nothing changes doesn't really make it any easier. He is really struggling with a lot of stress, worrying about the state of the world with COVID, with home invasions happening in our neighbourhood and not feeling safe, feeling he has to work to get promoted at work so he can financially support me and the baby. And then I am on the other side of things just worrying about how to get through labour and childbirth, where to buy a car seat etc. and all these decisions I want him to be part of. But when I try to talk about anything to do with the pregnancy he acknowledges it but doesn't really contribute or build on it. Then to compound things there's the fact that I worry a lot about his drinking. I worry about the fact that I am most likely only able to have one support person with me during labour due to COVID and my family may not even be able to get to the same city as they live interstate so might be just him to support me through childbirth and the early weeks of raising a newborn. I keep thinking "what if he's drinking when I go into labour? How will I get through labour calmly like i want to?" I had a pretty bad panic attack tonight, I had to get him to help me calm down because I really couldn't breathe and I've never been like that before. Just feel very alone and no direction..

Elsam Help please with first date
  • replies: 136

I met a wonderful guy and fell in love with him at first sight when I saw him on an online dating site, I am totally smitten with this man. Our first date was a dinner date at a beautiful restaurant and after dinner he invited me back to his place. H... View more

I met a wonderful guy and fell in love with him at first sight when I saw him on an online dating site, I am totally smitten with this man. Our first date was a dinner date at a beautiful restaurant and after dinner he invited me back to his place. He got the red wine out and then we became intimate and I spent the night with him. He sent me a video during the week and we had a couple of messages between us, then stupid me sent this message this afternoon. Hope you are well and had a nice weekend... I can’t help but feel you were trying to tell me something through the Swiss video? I feel so disappointed, as we had so much in common and could have a great time together. I think you were great, I respect you and wanted to get to know you as a friend... Mary xx I have been having huge anxiety attacks over this, he replied this evening: Sorry been really busy, and wrapping up things before I leave. No, there wasn't a "hidden" message in the video, I wouldn't do that. Things went very fast during our first rendez-vous and thats unlike me tho! Hope you had a nice weekend and no Monday Blues today! How do I reply to this message from him without scaring him off, but at the same time I want to tell him I am attracted to him and would love to see him again. This whole dating game is new to me as I was married for 25 years Thank you in advance

white knight Blended families
  • replies: 3

I’ve been a step parent in the past on two occasions . I’ve had a partner step parent my kids. Collectively, many years of tolerating all there needs to endure surviving the highs and lows of such a situation- it isn’t easy. Ive concluded that a good... View more

I’ve been a step parent in the past on two occasions . I’ve had a partner step parent my kids. Collectively, many years of tolerating all there needs to endure surviving the highs and lows of such a situation- it isn’t easy. Ive concluded that a good step parent must have a few essential qualities to make things work- qualities like nurturing, loves all children, embraces step parenting for the compartmentalise role it is (eg tries not to be the parent) and gives all the latitude to the blood parents needs to be with their children. The step mother of my children didn’t want my kids around. Over 10 years we flew to holiday destinations without my kids because “they don’t behave themselves” and once in that decade my work left me stranded 4 hours away so I asked her to pick up my kids for the weekend- a flat “No” was her answer. Once my child had a temperature and needed my regular attention but my partner saw that as my daughter taking too much attention away from her. A good step mother would be as concerned as I and work as a team. Visit well known family restaurants on Friday evenings and tables is filled with parents having picked up their children from their custodial parent. These mums and dads have often waited 12 days to see their kids. Their heart strings have been pulled every day in between. It’s grief really because they have lost a big chunk of their parental connection. That stress alone is hard enough to bare without added stress from the step parent. A good idea for the SP is to get a hobby for those weekends and even go away visiting for one of the days. Give them space. Parents also need to be empathetic to the step parents feeling of being alienated and not “needed”. The children already have parents “what good would a third one be”? This is where the step parent ideally should carve their own niche into the children’s lives- their role could include activities the blood parents don’t do eg reading a book, playing a certain game or doing a craft. I tried this with my then 14yo stepson by buying an old panelvan and every fortnight we’d work on it in preparation for his first car. Step parents can have an approach that can be pivotal to the success of a relationship. My wife of 9 years is step mum to my 32 yo daughter who, not having seen her own mother for 12 years now...calls my wife “mum”. You reap what you sow- most times! Your comments are welcome TonyWK

Bonisnothappy Narcissist parents who refuse to believe the existence of mental illness (or just any type of illness....
  • replies: 5

Hi guys, I just wanna find a tree hold to talk about my stories. From my perspective, it can be triggering so warning! I just had a fight with my narcissist, toxic and manipulative dad... He told me to grow the f up cuz I'm already 25 yrs old so I sh... View more

Hi guys, I just wanna find a tree hold to talk about my stories. From my perspective, it can be triggering so warning! I just had a fight with my narcissist, toxic and manipulative dad... He told me to grow the f up cuz I'm already 25 yrs old so I should act and think mutually.. At that time I thought it was so ridiculous cuz till now I still have nightmares, sleeping problems, hard time breathing from time to time and maybe some mental problems, I haven't been officially diagnosed. I now have difficulties trusting anyone, or even talking to anyone face to face... When I was a child my parents started to fight each other, attack each others' family members and educate me with that information. For example, my dad would tell me that people from my mother's side are all selfish typically my aunt is a psycho (not sure if she was diagnosed I guess not). Then my mom would tell me that my dad's relatives are all uneducated rude people, they are cheap and they prefer boys, unlucky I am a girl. I can remember every time I did something wrong, or when I was doing nothing, my mom would come to me to tell me that I should behave well or they were gonna have a young son cuz my dad was planning that already. I wasn't born in Australia, in my country back then every family only had one child. It was really rare to have another one because there was serious punishment for having exceeding children. I remembered I was hurt at that time because my family always told me that they loved me so they didn't care if I was a girl or not. They told me that I was treated like a boy (which means better than a girl in this context) because I got them as family members. I remembered at that time I felt like a homeless dog. Then, my parents' relationship started to fall apart. Please please don't fight in front of your children or anywhere your children can notice. I witnessed my father's physical violence towards my mother... Also, I was listening to multiple fights during the night. One of my parents turned my heated blanket to the maximum level before having a fight, and when I woke up and listened to them quietly I was sweating but I was so scared to move, nor to turn the heated blanket off. I tried so hard to close my eyes but I was roasted by the heated blanket also the chaos outside was too loud...I think I have developed some PTSD from that... every time when my neighbour makes some noises I panic.