Don't mind me, just building a healthy concrete slab of a wall to keep everyone out...

[Tegzy]

I'm already preparing myself the "no one actually cares, so why bother?" intrusive thoughts to get the better of me and cause my thumb to mash the delete button...

I can't keep hiding though, because I do that, and then it all builds up, and then I'm in tears in front of my son, who already has trouble processing emotions, so now he's in tears, because I'm in tears, so now I'm telling him I'm trying not to be while simultaneously encouraging the healthy ability to let out ones emotions...as long as they're not mine of course, mum can't cry, certainly not in front of her son.

Believe it or not, I'm quite self-aware, I believe that's where all this stems from; I know what's wrong with me, I know what I have to do in order to overcome it...I just, don't...think I can, or maybe I don't want to. Self-sabotage is a cruel game I've played with myself since I was a teenager.

I'm so broken the cracks are starting to peek through from the inside, the implosions are bursting through my skin and I feel exposed, I've spent so long holding them in for him, for my ex, for everyone...no, for me, because I can't be a burden. See? Self-aware, blessing and a curse.

We co-parent like a dream, my ex and I, our son is both an angel and a hellraiser, aren't they all though? He doesn't even look like he's on the spectrum apparently, because you're meant to look a certain way...apparently.

I work full time and I miss...everything, and I forget...anything that isn't work related. People pleasers and customer service, both the best and the worst job to have. You can't please everyone, so you need to pick someone, something... I have purpose outside of being a mum now; it's addictive, until juggling work and a high needs kid, and a separation, and NDIS, and dating for the first time in ten years, and keeping fit, and trying not to cry in front of my son...until it all just bursts through the seams of the poorly altered dress I sat there sewing together at 3am because I couldn't sleep because I just...keep..failing.

Its OK to cry, get it all out, my love, it's so good to cry. 

Don't cry in front of him, it just feels like emotional blackmail because he suddenly does anything you need him to do instead of screaming in your face...dont, cry, in front of him, don't cry...in front of anyone. Don't cry... 

[Croix]

Dear Tegzy~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm glad you came for a couple of reasons, the first being that first sentence of yours worries me, however I'm not going ot talk about that at the moment.

From everything you say you do a good job, being a single mum, coping with a son that takes a lot of attention, and now dating and keeping fit. Just dealing with NDIS can be  traumatic.

And all the time you believe everything is down to you, your fault, your inability to react to stress, feeling obliged not to be a burden, not cry.

Anyone in your situation is going to need to be supported, leaned on. And in time convince you that your expectations for yourself , which sound as if they have been wiht you most of your life, are simply unrealistic. You are a human being who believes they should be superwoman.

If you set your aims too high you are setting yourself up for the inability to carry them out, and that in turn leads to feelings of failure. It can also account for what you see as self sabotage, the fear you will fail, so you take control and do not carry through.

This last one is very familiar to me, often I've not attempted something becuse I felt I could not deal with not accomplishing it.

I kept on getting words, and like you, felt isolated from everyone else and could see no end to it - so why bother?

This is why I worry about that first sentence of yours -it echoes in me, though I'd prefer to talk about that in another message after you've had a chance to say what you think.

In fact it was not untill I got competent medical help that things started to turn around. I certainly could not have done it by myself. Now I lead a pretty good life and can deal wiht most things fine. I'm ok.

I did have other support from my family too, and that helped. Do oyu have anyone who you can talk frankly with who will listen and care? Maybe a family member or friend? They do not have to 'fix' anything, just be there for you.

So may I ask if you have seen a doctor as yet? It can be the start of recovery for you , as it was for me.

Your son loves you, which says a lot about both of you.

So what do you think about the above?

Croix

[On The Road]

Hi Tegzy,🙂

You've gone through so many things, and I agree with Croix that you have done a good job. from what you described, I'd say you are making very much effort to manage the challenges, co-parenting, taking care of your son on the spectrum, working, and dating... It's a lot happening at the same time, it's the heavy load on your shoulders, that is undoubtedly overwhelming, no wonder you feel this way, it's ok to cry, to relieve your emotion, to unload and take a break. 

It sort of resonated with me when you said u were self-aware and self-sabotage in your teenage years. Our past has always been lingering and affecting us today. As an adult, I could see the reflections of my younger self when I check on myself who has lots of problems... you are right, self-awareness is a blessing and a curse.

For your mental wellbeing personally, I wonder what you think of going to a therapist through your GP. Some therapists would explore with us how past experiences may have contributed to the issues we are currently experiencing. I understand it's already exhausting for you to deal with all the things going on, and therapy session is time-consuming and takes extra energy. But it's worth a try. would you hesitate to go into that room... and chance of crying in front of your therapist..?