FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

How do you de-escalate an argument with your spouse with children around?

Elizabeth Louise
Community Member

I found out that my husband has received advice to take the children away when we have an argument.

 

The problem is, he threatens to take the children away or actually takes them away in the middle of an argument. Normally an argument which he has instigated and got angry or defensive to begin with. I simply have just reacted to his reaction.

By threatening to take the children away or actually taking them away makes me more angry. Surely there are other ways to protect the children and de-esculate an argument immediately?

I realise he's been doing this strategy for the past 2 years since receiving this advice and doesn't realise it's actually making things worse and in some cases even more traumatic for the children. 

He comes out as the hero or victim and depicts me as the perpetrator because I'm emotional when all of a sudden he's calm even though he was emotionally dystegulated to begin with. 

 

How should he defuse or de-escalate an argument without involving the children? 

 

EL

 

 

3 Replies 3

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

EL

Thanks for your post and sharing your story. 
It is not helpful to argue in front of children but it sounds like your husband is manipulating you. It is a very difficult and upsetting situation for you.
i had an ex who would say I was shouting when I wasn’t .

I think if you both can try not to argue in front of your children. If he starts to argue can you just remove yourself from the room. 
Also you could contact relationships australia 1300 364277.?

Sorry op but l wouldn't call that advice , more like common sense , of course you don't fight around the kids. So what were you doing before the so called advice ?

 

At any rate , we always saved it . A little light hearted argument now and then as long as your not nasty to ea other ok , but fights. You have to wait until you can settle things at least out of ear shot but preferably when they aren't around at all bc of course they'll still sense and see the agro in you both later even if they were just in another room - and they;ll still hear it too anyway.

Sadly shuffling them of like that is nearly as bad bc of course they know exactly why they're getting shuffled of and would also be seeing the start of the flare up before they were too.

 

You need to talk to ea other and work out ways of stopping this stuff together, when kids are around.

anon143
Community Member

Hi OP. Acknowledging your feelings is great. Fighting, arguing in front of children isn’t healthy. 

I have found from personal experience that when I have an issue with my ex, I will ask when a better time would be suitable to discuss the issue/s. Or I will leave the discussion and proceed to ask after a cooling off period has happened which can be 30 minutes later to hours later. In the meantime, if it’s a big issue, I write down dot points of what I want to discuss and/or achieve. It is of course a learning process. 

I will also approach the situation and keep in mind where our child is during the conversation to ensure that he is not present. This works well for me considering we are at long distance. 

I try to keep him engaged in the conversation and ask questions that are not condescending or belittling towards him or myself. I look for ways to address the issue in an appropriate way and because I know this man, I know his triggers so I make sure to keep it as relevant to the issue as possible. I communicate with him in a way he is able to understand and don’t feel the urge to bring him down through snide comments (not saying that’s what you do). It always results in a healthy, more positive and better outcome to fix the issues. 

The way I de-escalate a heated argument is by voicing a clear boundary and say something along the lines of, I’ll discuss this at a later time etc. 

Using your children against you is manipulative and disgusting and no one should ever put up with that. 

Is it possible for you to walk away before it escalates and come back when both of you have had time to regulate and address the situation without letting your emotions get the best of you? Easier said then done, I whole heartedly understand that as I have only started to manage doing this over the past year.