Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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H2OMAN Dark Places
  • replies: 13

Hi Any and All, Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am comp... View more

Hi Any and All, Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am completely abandoned, alone and without any resources. Crippled by anxiety and in a place of deep, deep sadness all of the time, at 56 I never thought I would be in this place To give some context would take far too long, so I will summarise. In the last 18 months: Parents in law reneged on a house purchase from them which lost us 25 years of hard work and approx. $400k. Daughters marriage fell apart. Major client went broke and lost nearly $100k which has essentially sunk my business. Found out my wife had an affair 32 years ago and lied to me when I tried to discuss the matter with her. All of which has caused me significant anxiety and depression. Then to top things off my wife left 14 months ago and the family sided with her based on lies, false accusations and claims against me. I have tried for the last 14 months to deal with these things, to initiate counselling and mediation, to encourage contact with my 4 adult kids, but I have been marginalised and pushed aside with little to no contact. I did everything I could to reconcile things and shield people from difficulties between my wife and I, especially my daughter who was totally reliant on my wife for support during her separation. I bit my tongue and waited until she was in a better place before addressing my difficulties and the wife's behaviour so that it would not affect my daughter. Only to have everything distorted and be blamed for everyone elses problems and difficulties with no voice given to me, no right of reply, no consideration, and essentially abandoned. And now the wife has locked up all of our finances, I have little to no access to funds as she has hidden them and changed passwords etc. Yet am lumbered with credit card bills that I am expected to pay as well as service the property mortgage etc. In addition to this and the limited contact and interaction since they left the wife is now demanding that I move out of the property so that they can move back in to ready the property for sale. I'm absolutely heartbroken, I'm broken, broke and abandoned with little capacity to cope or to find a way forward. I can't afford legal advice and don't have anywhere to turn for help. I would appreciate any advice on what to do next. Thanks

Sad_but_hopeful How to keep the relationship going
  • replies: 11

Hi, I will try and keep this semi short, but here it is My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years, I have a 11yo from a previous encounter (partner came into the picture when my son was 4yo and he has been daddy ever since) and we have a... View more

Hi, I will try and keep this semi short, but here it is My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years, I have a 11yo from a previous encounter (partner came into the picture when my son was 4yo and he has been daddy ever since) and we have a 4yo daughter together. My son has previously been diagnosed ADHD and has been medicated for the last couple of years. The crux of everything really is that my partner doesn’t feel like myself or my parents (who look after the kids during the week while we are at work) are punishing my son effectively. He feels that my son pretty much gets away with everything and there are no consequences to his actions. I admit that I probably haven’t been as effective In punishment as I could be and I am looking to get it rectified. I try not to use it as an excuse, but I have tried to explain to my partner that I have been doing the best that I can, considering I work full time and I am also the one that cooks and does the household stuff, I get tired!! Now here is what my main issues is, my partner has basically said that because of the ongoing issues with my son and his behaviour, it is affecting his relationship with me! There is no affection whatsoever between us, I gave up a while ago trying for any intimacy at all (this includes things like hand holding, cuddling etc) and feel like we are pretty much housemates living together. Added factors include my partner working away regularly and having medical conditions that does make him tired. Now my question is, is he using the issues with my son as an excuse not to deal with the relationship? He seems to think that once we get things sorted with my son, our relationship will get back on track. My feeling is that even though we are going through things with my son, it shouldn’t stop us from having our relationship, being together and being intimate! I am at a loss and could use someone’s advice. P.s-i am going back to the paediatrician for further advice, partner doesnt want to

Then_now My baby having babies and severing communication with me is too painful
  • replies: 2

Trauma. I don’t even know what that word means any more, it gets bandied about everywhere and most everyone has some diagnosis or another. I do know that being separated from my kids was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced. it was on a bac... View more

Trauma. I don’t even know what that word means any more, it gets bandied about everywhere and most everyone has some diagnosis or another. I do know that being separated from my kids was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced. it was on a backdrop of domestic violence and drug addiction, but I changed things and still seem to be being punished for things outside my control. I have a very respected responsible job in healthcare, I try my best to be polite and consistent, but my daughter has literally cut off all communication with me. She speaks with other family members but very very limited, and even then it’s my ex husband’s family, not mine. I feel so ripped off, it’s so unfair, and powerless. That sounds childish…but my pain is really simple and child like. I’m also feeling very isolated and not coping with the rejection. All I want to do when I’m not at work is drink wine, so I don’t feel so much. Then I’m tired at work…people don’t necessarily know anything, I think I come across as happy and fairly normal? i don’t know where to turn. I’m not about to kill myself but I’m bereft for ideas. Be patient. Yeah, great. And?! hello….it’s my first venture into something like this, so hi. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do but I’m exhausted and sad and angry just now and simply need to articulate it or something before I go crazy.

Guest_342 Has anyone been in this situation?
  • replies: 2

Hello. I am in a long distance relationship - we've been in contact since just before the pandemic began and, due to lovkdowns and border closures, have missed many opportunities to see each other. So we're only just now starting to talk about him ma... View more

Hello. I am in a long distance relationship - we've been in contact since just before the pandemic began and, due to lovkdowns and border closures, have missed many opportunities to see each other. So we're only just now starting to talk about him making the move from Adelaide to here. He is in a job that doesn't allow him the chance to really succeed in his area of work and he's recently been offered a job through an acquaintence for a very short term contract but it will be a great experience above and beyond what he's doing now - it would probably open the door to other opportunities that he mightn't get if he doesn't take the risk and stay in his current job. So, if he does the new job, he'd stay in SA for a few more months and then would look for work here. But otherwise, if for some reason the short term job becomes unavailable (eg because he has to give his current employer more notice that the time the new job can wait) he said he'll resign from his current job and move here anyway. But the risk with that is he might struggle to get work. He would have to resort to dipping into his savings while he searches for work here. He doesn't really like his current job. He's confirmed he wants to move here. I own my place and have a good job and am highly motivated. I worry that today he sounded less motivated to take this risk with the job offer and that he might be stuck in his work rut and then struggle to find new work here. While I am ok with him being out of work for a month or so, I don't want it to be an extended thing. I will be resentful. I thrive off having a partner who is driven. Otherwise I feel like the energy/motivation gets sucked out of me. I don't want to risk him moving here and then finding put that he's not going to be motivated to get a job and work towards something he likes and can contribute to a life together. Because then I'm a bit stuck because he would have given up so much to be here.

Kim1988 I think my husband has a porn addiction?
  • replies: 9

Hi all. I think my husband may have a porn addiction. To put things in context. I just had our first baby 2 months ago and we haven’t really been intimate since the final trimester. It’s only recently that we have started being intimate again. I was ... View more

Hi all. I think my husband may have a porn addiction. To put things in context. I just had our first baby 2 months ago and we haven’t really been intimate since the final trimester. It’s only recently that we have started being intimate again. I was using his tablet the other day filling out some forms online because my laptop wasn’t working. While doing this I had a pop up from a live webcam site. I thought he was interacting with women on the site. He isn’t interacting with them as it turns out. It’s just a pop up ad that appears when you go on these porn websites. I can see he watches a hell of a lot of porn everyday. After I used the tablet the other day which he knew that I used I noticed all of a sudden the browsing history had been deleted . He obviously never cared to delete it before I started using the tablet. I’m not an idiot I know it’s normal for men and even some women to watch porn even everyday, but his viewing habits seem excessive. Back in October we had an issue where he was following and liking a lot of half-naked Instagram models. I was pregnant at the time, so I was pretty self-conscious about my own body at the time. I discussed it with him and he deleted his Instagram account. I had a discussion with him last night to find out if he’s still attracted to me after having a baby because I thought maybe he’s not attracted to me anymore, or even if he has ever been at all. He reassured me that he is attracted to me. He just knows that I haven’t been sleeping much since our son was born and that he often doesn’t have the energy, although he did say he would like to be more sexually active with me. I actually brought up the subject that he may be addicted to porn but it shut down very quickly. I said to him think about how much you consume and if you can’t go a day without it. Much less a few hours which I can see from his Google search history that this may be the case then you may have an addiction and it seems that he clearly has more energy for porn than he does with me or seems to enjoy watching porn more than being with me. He said that he can go weeks without watching porn. This is clearly not the case. I guess like with any addiction the addict may not even realise they have an issue and they will deny it or try to justify it right? I would like to suggest that he can go and get some help but if he doesn’t think he has an issue he won’t do it. If he has a porn addiction it affects me to.

libelle Mum can't handle me getting irritated by things that are actually pretty irritating
  • replies: 5

Hey guys. I just want to break this terrible pattern. Yesterday I worked from home at my parents house to avoid noise at my own place, and they had agreed it would be fun and great, and that my dad would not make any noise (he's a very loud musician)... View more

Hey guys. I just want to break this terrible pattern. Yesterday I worked from home at my parents house to avoid noise at my own place, and they had agreed it would be fun and great, and that my dad would not make any noise (he's a very loud musician). Around 1pm he started playing with a drum machine (tbf for him it was pretty quiet, but still very annoying), so I very carefully approached my mum and asked what was going on with that. Instead of "oh sorry, I'll tell him to stop" she just said she couldn't hear it and that I was being bothered by nothing. Nope, I told her it was making it hard to talk to clients on the phone. Dad heard our voices at this point and turned it off, and I went back to work, but it was very hostile. The next time I saw my mum it was like I'd slapped someone, and she seemed to want an apology. This made me angry. Unfortunately whenever I display any sort of anger it just turns into this pointless hostile thing where I have to just give up and get away from them. They seem to want me to manage my emotions to the point that I am a robot. Later I had a huge lecture on how I'd hurt my dad's feelings, but there was no remorse from either of them for the interruption, and when I asked about that and got no response I was so upset about them not caring I was shaking in anger and starting to cry, but didn't dare raise my voice or actually DO anything. They would never treat a house guest like that. How do I express a negative emotion without my mum thinking I've gone insane and need locking up. It's really upsetting feeling dismissed, invalidated, devalued. Help.

Mr K When someone says they love you but you know they could drop you like a stone.
  • replies: 3

I've been through a lot in the past few years, separation and divorce, a new job, a cancer scare, and learning how to cope with 50/50 care of my kids. During that time I was fortunate and met someone who supported me and as time went by became a lovi... View more

I've been through a lot in the past few years, separation and divorce, a new job, a cancer scare, and learning how to cope with 50/50 care of my kids. During that time I was fortunate and met someone who supported me and as time went by became a loving and affectionate partner. Somehow I managed to get through all this and am still in one piece. In many ways other than the time lost with my kids I'm better now than I have been in many many years. I was up until the past weekend feeling really confident moving forward with my new relationship, we often exchange affectionate messages, gifts and really enjoy the time we spend together. However, we had a misunderstanding the other day after a misunderstanding led to me being stood up for what should have been a very special date night. I was utterly overwealmed and had to take some time out to process how I felt. When I was feeling a bit better I initiated contact and said I was sorry. The responses I received were very defensive and I was left feeling very insecure. I was as direct as I could be asking if this was the end of our relationship? The response I received was very much that "if I wanted to end the relationship over this then so be it". Now maybe I'm overthinking this but for me I love you is a lifetime, not just a point in time. I felt utterly disposable at this point and although we are still together I'm struggling to move on in my mind constantly thinking I'm not as valued in the relationship as I once thought. How will I know if this is genuine, I don't want to stuff this up for me, for her or especially my children.

stepintomypower at the risk of enabling the toxic behaviour
  • replies: 3

Hello, Thanks in advance for your thoughts. I am not close to my brother and I am considering trying to renew the relationship by reaching out to him regularly and asking how things are going in his life. The problem is that he is pretty abusive to o... View more

Hello, Thanks in advance for your thoughts. I am not close to my brother and I am considering trying to renew the relationship by reaching out to him regularly and asking how things are going in his life. The problem is that he is pretty abusive to our mother, and blames her for everything that has gone wrong in his life. Also, whenever we get together as a family, there ends up being a massive, scary, blow-up, of his causing and most people in my family are scared of him except for my father (and to some extent, his kids). I feel like I could help him by being a listening and empathetic ear, but I don't have a lot of self-confidence, and I am scared that I will just enable his bad treatment of my parents, or end up getting stuck in the middle. The consequences of not reaching out now are that we may never become close. And I will lose the opportunity to share with him how powerful therapy can be. Does anyone have any insight? Thanks!

MightyM Difficult situation.. Crossroads..
  • replies: 4

Hello everyone.. I am relatively young (30) and just when I think life is truckin’ along nicely I am put into a tough situation.. I have been married to my wife for 3 years.. We have a house and 2 young children together.. It has come to light that m... View more

Hello everyone.. I am relatively young (30) and just when I think life is truckin’ along nicely I am put into a tough situation.. I have been married to my wife for 3 years.. We have a house and 2 young children together.. It has come to light that my wife has crippling anxiety that she has been masking for years.. She is also not the same person that I once knew, after having kids.. I work extremely hard and help her out immensely with the kids and around the house.. She has begun to speak to me and treat me quite poorly and cannot see the good I do for our family (only seems to find issues).. She has also quit her job recently.. Every time life gets too hard (eg. kids are crying too much) she heads off to the club to go and gamble on the poker machines.. She says its “for a break” but to me I see it as an addiction and a way of masking her issues.. She has slowly but surely gambled away our savings.. I have always been a happy/positive person in life, but, this situation is just not me at all and it’s starting to take its toll on me.. I am at the point where I want to sell the house and go my seperate way but I am extremely concerned about the toll this will have on our young kids.. I am also concerned that paying child support to her will only continue to feed her addiction once I’ve left.. I have tried to offer support/other methods of relaxation but she is not interested and I believe there is 100% truth in that you cannot persuade someone to quit gambling, they must want to do it for themselves This is just not me and I’m at a crossroads.. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Terry73 Unsure how to break up respectfully
  • replies: 8

Been with this girl for 4 years, living together for 3. Has been great except for the last year, still care but have really fallen out of love with her. Have been trying hard to make it work, and she is still very much in love with me, but I just can... View more

Been with this girl for 4 years, living together for 3. Has been great except for the last year, still care but have really fallen out of love with her. Have been trying hard to make it work, and she is still very much in love with me, but I just cant do this much longer. I know I need to tell her, but I care for her feelings too, she has been great with me. How would I tell her without hurting her too much, respectfully and such?