Grieving. Struggling to understand m

[Lw32]

Around 4 months ago my husband admitted to having feelings for another woman and had decided to leave me to pursue a relationship with her.
This woman was someone he used to work with starting back in 2016. I became uncomfortable with how friendly they started being with eachother and had expressed my feelings with him, asking him to lessen his contact with her.
My husband, fiance at the time, fought with me constantly over it, gaslit me and told me that they barely spoke and that I had nothing to worry about. In 2018, she moved to the central coast & my husband encouraged me to become friends with her which I did but was short lived as she suddenly cut contact with me & my husband. This confused me but I was not concerned.
Jump 4 months ago, I come to find out back when they were working together I was right in being concerned. He admitted that they did speak alot. That they became incredibly close, that rather than respecting me as his partner he went to her and told her how i was feeling and that when she moved away she sent him an email admitting to having feelings for him, which he responded to by admitting to also having feelings but they both agreed not to act on it because of him being in a relationship & having a family with me.
He's also admitted that they've continued to stay in contact for years on and off with him deleting the messages every time to ensure I wouldn't find out.
After reconnecting at the beginning of this year they've spoken secretly for months and have now expressed that their feelings for eachother are still there and that they have a desire to be with eachother.
I am beyond devastated.
We have been together for 14 years. Have 3 beautiful children. I am so loving and loyal to him. I would never have done this to him. 

Its been four months of me knowing about them & I am still not coping well. I dont want to lose him from my life & up until last week he was still living with us.

I'm so confused & depressed. And am filled with so much grief over losing him. I'm struggling to understand how he could lie to me all these years and throw away our life together. How he could prioritize this other woman over me like he has. Making her feel special by picking her over me. By hurting me to be with her. I feel so betrayed & am left in disbelief at how he could fall in love with her.
How I could go from being his wife to him treating me like I don't matter. Like I've been discarded & replaced. How he could betray me but act like I did something wrong.
He's promised to always love me but I feel like he doesn't understand the pain & the betrayal im feeling or even grasp the gravity of the hurt he's causing me. He's hurt me so much over these past few months constantly backflipping on things he's promised & saying mean things to hurt me. Saying things like, I'm not his wife or our marriage doesn't matter, making me beg for him not to devalue me like that.

There's still so much love & attraction between us though as this whole time he had continued to sleep with me behind her back, reassuring me that he does still love me & that he's not just using me & that it does mean something when we're intimate. He said that it's been hard because he has deep feelings for both of us. That he'd probably come back to me if it doesnt work out with them but said not to make it easy for him if he does. He even told me one night after we had sex that i'm the hottest chick he's ever been with. Probably ever will be with. And that sex with me is the best.

And my response was "But you're married to me. You can have me." But he just said "But you know what the situation is & i want to be with her."

I truely don't understand. He's my husband. He should be with me. There shouldn't be anyone else. She should never been in the background waiting.

I dont have many people to talk to & havn't had many family or friends reach out to see if I'm ok.

I feel so hopeless & lonely. 

[Lw32]

To add: Also i'm struggling not having him here or being able to talk to him. After seeing and talking to eachother every day for 14 years its so hard to not just call or message him. I miss him so much & I don't understand how he could be so happily disconnected from me and not want to call or message me.

He's hurtfully told me that it's not as hard for him because he has her. Like how can he say that to me & make me feel so replaceable.

As a coping mechanism over these months, I've been self soothing by watching alot of relationship coach videos on YouTube. Listening to advice about how to get your ex back and going no contact. These have helped temporarily to regulate my emotions & I guess its been giving me hope at him realising what he's giving up & wanting to come back.

These videos have also made me realise my husband may be a covert narcissist and I've been fighting against overcoming a trauma bond. Which is why it is so hard for me to let go. But I love him.

[Lw32]

Sorry I forgot to add as there is so much information worth mentioning. 

To add insult to injury he has started to push the subject of allowing him to take the kids to be around her. When I made it clear that I do not want her to have anything to do with the kids and he originally promised & agreed that he'd respect my wishes of her having nothing to do with them. She was also aware of this condition when they decided to proceed with this relationship. (She also knows that his family does not agree with what he's doing & have told him that she will not be accepted or included in any family events)

But because of her he's pushing the subject. She got upset the other week because he left her & her kids to come watch our son play soccer. She even gave him the silent treatment for 3 days before expressing her concerns about not being included in things to do with our kids & how us coparenting is going to work..

I told him "She shouldn't go after a married man than!" And that she knew he had a family established.

He's even saying he thinks I'm being unreasonable & spiteful by not wanting her to be around our kids.

When I don't think it's right or fair of him to expect me to be okay with the woman who broke up my marriage & family to be around me or our kids or for him to take our kids to hers and then him & her play happy families with our kids for days at a time whilst I'm at home broken and alone.

He knows that would absolutely tear me apart.

Additionaly, hes been acting so out of character, has been going to the pub constantly & has been missing the children's stuff, including their birthdays. He's only been to 2 of our sons soccer games.

 We used to be his priority but now he chooses to go out drinking with his new friends or runs off to be with her. 

He's really ruined our financial situation aswell spending so much money on drinking & on his new lifestyle. I've been a sahm for 13 years, which he encouraged. He had just made it into this high paying role and I helped him get where he is today. We were in such a good financial position till he sprung this on me 4 months ago. Since then he just hasnt cared. He's taken out loans to buy himself a car. Spends hundreds if not thousands on coffees, lunches, drinking up & other activities. 

He promised & reassured me we'd still be taken care of (promised to give me half his income) but atm hes leaving me to struggle alone whilst he selfishly does what ever he wants & not involving me in his life. He's even told me to get a job to help fix the mess he's made. 

So I'm really worried about money at the moment.

I hope he realises soon that what he's doing is a mistake. Ruining something worth fighting for and hurting the person/people that love him most.

[Carus]

Hello Lw*

I'm so sorry to read your post. It brings me pain because well, I am in your husbands position.
You will go through a range of emotions including hating him and I wouldn't blame you if you were to hate me too.

Your post has good timing for me though because I am striving to find ways through this mess. The 2 biggest things keeping me grounded are 1) I made a commitment when I married her and a commitment to take care of her. And 2) I can't bear the thought of inflicting on her the level of pain you are describing here. I also know that pain all too well myself.

So your post is helping me to keep my resolve so thankyou for that*

As for your situation, unfortunately your marriage is pretty much done and yes you will go through the grieving process. No contact is meant to help you heal but it is difficult to do proper no contact when there are kids or property or business etc involved....You could perhaps look more at what is called Limited Contact.

There is probably a chance that his new relationship won't work out and he'll try to build a bridge back to you. It wouldn't be impossible but with the amount of damage now done, it would take an almighty amount of time and work to bring it back to a stable level. Your trust is now broken and you may find yourself constantly being hyper vigilante and on high alert which will cause you a lot of stress.

Grieving is so horrible and when fresh you feel as though you'll never recover. But be kind and patient with yourself and you will make it through.

Again, I wouldn't blame you if you were to hate on me too, but I'm doing all I can and I do send you strength for the journey ahead*

Regards*