Feeling lonely and helpless.

[Bluepearl3]

It is hard to know exactly where to start.   I am 69 years old and live alone, with my little dog, in an over 50 community.  Two months ago I took my last anti-depressant after being on them for 35 years.  (I weaned off them over a two month period.)   I found that whilst i was taking them I continued to feel sad, depressed and hopeless, but with an added fogginess of my brain.  I am clearer thinking now, but still feeling sad and hopeless.  I left my 46 year marriage in July last year after many years of mental and emotional abuse.  There must have been some good times but I mainly remember the hurtful times.  He was controlling, narcissistic and selfish.  There was a particular set of circumstances and events that occurred in 1981/1982 which have left lasting scars on my heart and mind.  I have never been able to put these events behind me and therefore lost respect for my husband.  There were many more incidents  over the next 40years.  His answer would always be "stop living in the past", usually in an angry tone.  In later years I did manage to leave a few times but always went back to him, as he begged me to forgive him and promised to change.  A few weeks down the track and things were just as they had been.  We have 2 sons, now in their 40's and 4 grandchildren.  I didn't want to break up the family, especially for the grandchildren.  My sons have their own problems now.  The eldest has gambling and anger issues.  Often borrowing money from me, although we do have a close relationship.  He seldom pays back what he borrows.  The youngest, aged 41, is divorced and has four children, aged from 12 years to 19 years.  He has issues with gambling and alcohol.  He lives 90 minutes from the children and never sees them as he states that he has to work 6 days a week and can't take time off.    He earns an extremely good wage due to overtime but still borrows from me and seldom pays me back.  (I am on the age pension and have a limited amount of savings in the bank).  I will be looking for work in the New Year.   The children's Mother smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol but can't afford to buy the children's necessities.  The children send messages to my son asking for money to buy clothes etc and he sends them back a message saying ask your Mother.  He pays $800 child support but the children seem to live just above the poverty line. He will block them if they continue to text him for things.  I feel so guilty and sad.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm 67yo, married 12 years happily and 3 long term relationships previously one, my 1st marriage . Two kids adults age. I paid child support for 14 years plus many other extras like dental etc

May I say "good on you"! for having the courage to break away after 46 years. My 1st wife and mother of our kids was a narcissistic person, lazy and so was a few members of my own family so I know that feeling of being controlled.

I dont agree with staying together for the sake of children or grandchildren. Kids are resilient and adapt. Maybe you are better off worrying about yourself? 

In terms of your sons I think I'd still give them money but, I'd lower the amount and each time remind them of your situation. If you get a red letter of demand eg electricity bill then show it to them, if they have empathy they will slowly stop borrowing. If not you are going to have to try something else eg "I'd love to but you'll have to wait till the end of the months when I get paid, here is $30 now I can spare". 

Your sons relationship to his children is their responsibility. You seem to worry too much about these things. Try to maintain a healthy relationship with the mother of your grandchildren and separate yourself from your sons issues. When the children reach adulthood things might change. You are a good grandmother so just plod along staying one. Their Child Support issues are between him and the mother. Same as their mother smoking or drinking- remove yourslef from that- they are adults. You'll only risk harmony.

I think scars that remain inside us if they still effect us 40 years on then thats the way we are wired up. Some might get over them but thats them, not you. To be constantly told to forget about these anomalies is a form of gaslighting by a bossy person.

Twilight years are suppose to be relaxing and having a life with friends. Aim for that and being just a grandmother.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Bluepearl I can see why you feel sad but not why you feel guilty.

i admire that after 46 years you decided to put  yourself first .

i am a similar age and have been living with a sometimes controlling person who sometimes is kind and thoughtful. 
i would not have your courage.

i know your children and grandchildren are important but are there groups you could join where you live.

[Apparentlyhotbutnot27]

Hello,

I posted my story recently & it’s my first time back on here since then, I just saw your post & wanted to send a quick reply.

First of all, very inspiring story. You’ve gone through a lot, that’s for sure but have never given up, so massive respect there.

Although you might not have found the answers yet, there’s every chance you just might. When you do, you’ll be the person you’ve always wanted to be living an awesome life,  probably why you’ve always kept fighting on.

Don’t ever lose hope, you got this.

Cheers.

[Bluepearl3]

Thank-you for replying to my post and for your kind words.  

[Bluepearl3]

After so many years and never really knowing what my interests are, I am now looking at what it is that I would  like to do.  There is so much to choose from.  I just have to get used to only having myself and my little dog to look after.  

[Bluepearl3]

Thank- you so much for your encouraging reply to my post.  It’s been difficult trying to adapt to my newfound freedom.  I was used to a certain way of life and now it is the complete opposite.  It was over a year ago that I left the marriage and I feel like I have been in limbo since then.  Now it’s time to make positive plans for my present and future.