Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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shannc Troubled young adults - Help
  • replies: 1

Hi All,I am seeking help mostly on behalf of my parents who are currently dealing with my 25 y/o troubled brother.He has a history of drugs, trouble with the police and hanging with the wrong crowds. He was once physically violent and that’s when we ... View more

Hi All,I am seeking help mostly on behalf of my parents who are currently dealing with my 25 y/o troubled brother.He has a history of drugs, trouble with the police and hanging with the wrong crowds. He was once physically violent and that’s when we knew he was going through another episode. We have also sent him to rehab, which was a waste of money as they don’t tend to offer any follow up. My brother had hit rock bottom at one stage when he was diagnosed with epilepsy. He pulled out of that fast when he met a girl but as soon as they broke up, he went back to his old ways. He had recently crashed his car and we believe he was on drugs at the time. He now has a massive debt as he was still paying off his car and it wasn’t insured. It seems he has no idea of consequences as my parents have given him jobs for some cash to help him pay off the car, but he won’t show up half the time. He sometimes won’t show up to work and my parents have had to ask his boss to give him another chance. He has also been kicked out of his apartment so is now back home. My parents are stuck! They want to sell the house and spend their hard-earned money to travel Australia but it’s my brother that’s holding them back. My parents have tried everything - rehab, council, tough love. They can’t seem to get through to him and it seems to be getting worse. He thinks they will leave money with him in their passing but my parents are using it to bail him out. I can see they’re starting to get depressed and it makes me feel helpless! I also sometimes wish my brother would die, but I know I shouldn’t think like that. Does any one have advice on how to handle this?

CMF I can't tolerate people but it must be me. What's wrong with me?
  • replies: 6

Hi all, I find it really hard to tolerate people's behaviour. It affects me greatly & I'm sick of having to "suck it up". When I'm open with those who should support me they will agree with me but then support the other person. Examples = my partner'... View more

Hi all, I find it really hard to tolerate people's behaviour. It affects me greatly & I'm sick of having to "suck it up". When I'm open with those who should support me they will agree with me but then support the other person. Examples = my partner's sis moved in with him & his boys after his divorce. She bought into his house & took over the wife/mother role. I belive to fulfill her life. It's been almost 4 years & I can't tolerate her. She's a nice person all about her, controlling, never gives us space when I'm there & takes advantage of him being People pleaser. She crowds us, listens to our conversations & intertupts/takes over. I've told him how I feel so many times, he says he understands but she'll eventually move out. He admits he can't stand up to her & is like a puppet. I used to work at reception with a woman who constantly does her personal things at work. Online shopping, always on her mobile phone & letting work phone ring out. Others that worked with her all say she's been doing that for 10years & some of us have brought it up with management yet nothing gets done. One of my current colleagues is paid to be a Team Leader. He is hardly around, always has an excuse to leave the office then work from home. He constantly sends work through incorrectly & it goes back & forth several times to get it right. He doesn't understand the systems & always makes up excuses ie his system is slow, he hasn't been there long & still new.. he runs around all puffed out but doing nothing. No one goes to him cos he doesn't know anything & tried to blame me for a big error. He's bluffing his way through. My manager is under pressure cos he offers no support. I've raised it with my manager several times, pointing out issues. She agrees, asks me to keep an eye on him, talks to him, but he continues to do it & get away with it, been doing it for over a year. Today she is pulling him up & telling him to step up but I'm still told some take longer to learn. She agrees he's taking advantage & not fulfilling his role but I'm almost told to go easy while he fluffs around & gets paid more than I. It appears I have too many issues with people. Am I too honest? Too harsh? Are my expectations too high? I cannot deal with people taking advantage of others. It affects me too much. I've come to the conclusion that the issue must be me. Cmf

Bonsaipetal denied over and over again.
  • replies: 5

HiWe have been married for almost 16 years, and together for 22 years, have 2 teen children. This "friendship" began about 5 years ago and she is one of his staff. I knew this would be an issue when it first started and told him my concerns only to b... View more

HiWe have been married for almost 16 years, and together for 22 years, have 2 teen children. This "friendship" began about 5 years ago and she is one of his staff. I knew this would be an issue when it first started and told him my concerns only to be met with denial and told that they are just friends. It still didn't feel right. I went to a psychologist to work through my issues as my father had an affair when I was a child. (I'm now over 50). It took me a couple of years of attempting to be ok with the friendship, and seeing a psychologist, before I realised it was ok for me to not feel comfortable with the relationship. Each time I was blamed for not being ok with it, and he said he was lonely and had no friends so needed her. Finally he admitted that he loved her.....they are best friends....but that doesn't replace me. We have been to relationship counsellors, as soon as they mentioned he needed to end the friendship he wanted to stop going. I even found a counsellor he could relate to, but again he said no one is taking his side. 2 weeks ago I found more lies and they flew interstate together. He lied over and over again and still denies they are more than just friends. I am being strong, but I can't believe he is not the person I believed he was. When does this shock end?

Denham123 Living and coping with a narcissist husband
  • replies: 7

If you have been reading my posts about how my husband has been treating me, it might sugggest that my husband of 9 years is narcissistic. I recently discovered this word and when I analysed it, I found patterns and behaviours in my husband. The most... View more

If you have been reading my posts about how my husband has been treating me, it might sugggest that my husband of 9 years is narcissistic. I recently discovered this word and when I analysed it, I found patterns and behaviours in my husband. The most recent behaviour I now know is that there is no room for my personal growth. I have not grown in those 9 years through manipulation, fear, fighting constantly, putting insecurities in me by the very person who is supposed to protect me from all my vulnerabilities. we had a really big fight on Tuesday night. I asked why is he still hanging around. Why can’t you leave me alone. Why can’t you go live life and be happy. he said it’s because he made a promise to my mum whiles she was in her death bed. I told him, she’s gone and leave her in peace. now I’m thinking my mum has passed away, it’s been 9 years since she passed away and I’m the one living, alive and breathing. What about the promise you made to me when we exchanged vows. Where’s the love. All the vows are dead, I’m just existing. Not living life. I want to better myself but every time I do that, all my efforts bears no fruit. I don’t get acknowledged, I don’t get validated, I don’t get the thanks, Im not getting anything by staying in this marriage. people would say I live in a Nice house in a nice suburb and I should be grateful. Yet constant fighting, arguing what the hell. I live where I’m not paying rent, nor mortgage nor buying food, medicine etc. I don’t cook, clean or anything. All I do is watch videos, study when I want to, sleep when I’m sleepy. what behaviour are you seeing?

Heartbroken_mum Impossible living arrangement
  • replies: 7

Hi, my daughter & i planned on moving out together for 18 months. She found a place through a land agent she knew not in an area i wanted but thats not the problem she let an ex move in and hes gradually taking over the place with his junk & his atti... View more

Hi, my daughter & i planned on moving out together for 18 months. She found a place through a land agent she knew not in an area i wanted but thats not the problem she let an ex move in and hes gradually taking over the place with his junk & his attitude. I nokd off yesterday & called her. They had a massive argument she left & called the police so i came home and we had an argument, i told him to leave and he just wont. He told me to just shutup along with many expletives. Hes so rude and entitled. He doesn't work & he treats my daughter like dirt. Tells her shes old (30) and calls her all sorts of things. I can see how effected she is and im scared to leave her alone with him. He just refuses to go,. Its completely mental abuse & hes got a shocking tember. My daughter just looks broken and helpless

the_last Letting go of a friend
  • replies: 2

Hi all,I have a friend who I tried to help through a dark time last year. They were struggling to find someone to talk to so I reached out and offered to listen. I wasn’t particularly close with this person before I reached out to listen and I found ... View more

Hi all,I have a friend who I tried to help through a dark time last year. They were struggling to find someone to talk to so I reached out and offered to listen. I wasn’t particularly close with this person before I reached out to listen and I found that they would praise me and almost put me on this pedestal of how great I was or successful I’ve become. I found though that my simple act of offering to listen turned into some micro managing conditions on how I should speak to them or how I should listen to them. This I found debilitating. But I did as they asked, after all it’s not about me right? After a few months had past it was clear that this person was relying on me as their crutch. I had to put some boundaries in place as I would wake up to 13 messages and 3 missed calls over night. The boundaries I set where not taken lightly and ultimately the friendship faded. They have tried to ask how things are going and check on every now and then and I reply but as soon as there is some kind of inconvenience or disagreement I get ignored and almost thrown away. I want to let go of this friendship to move past these debilitating feelings of guilt or having the desire for someone to like me. I’m torn as to whether I be honest and upfront about my position and tell them I am letting go? Or I let it play out and slowly withdraw and not reply.

ANMAC How much is too much to put up with?
  • replies: 2

My partner and I have been together 16 years and have 3 children (11,7,3) About 1.5 years ago he first showed signed of trouble, initially hiding it well. He increased his alcohol intake substantially and his bahaviour changed (less tolerant, more sh... View more

My partner and I have been together 16 years and have 3 children (11,7,3) About 1.5 years ago he first showed signed of trouble, initially hiding it well. He increased his alcohol intake substantially and his bahaviour changed (less tolerant, more short tempered). Its a long story but he was diagnosed with depression and commence some treatment that was as effective as we hoped and a few months later attempted suicide. As distressing as this was, he was hospitalised for prolonged treatment and was able to finally get some proper help to sort through some issues. He was able to quit alcohol and re focus on the family. This was 6 months ago or more. Since then there has again been a deterioration. I try to understand and support his mental health but I dont know honestly how much we should put up with and how much is deterimental for the kids to be enduring?60% of the time he is a engaged dad, doing dad things. He isnt a super happy guy but he goes through the motions and seems to enjoy the kids company. He certainly verbalises that they are his most important part of his life. 20% of the time he rages, he cannot control his anger and simple things trigger him. He hates if they dont listen to him or follow instructions. He gives no warnings just yells and swears, even at our youngest. **he is never ever physical/violent**20% of the time he finds the family life simple too much and withdraws away to our bedroom. Often much early that he would have ever done previously. He just takes his medications early (they make him drowsy) and he is out for the night, leaving me to do dinner/bedtime routines/tidy/lunches). He did give up alcohol for a long time but has increased his intake again which makes me highly anxious. It always triggers the worst behaviour in him. When I question him on it he gets very defensive and often childlike "I will do what I want"We have been fighting like crazy for 6 weeks. We are both doing counselling (individual and together) and have done couples theray . I worry about the negative effect that witnessing some of both his behaviour and our fights has on our kids. I also dont know when to give up and risk worsening his mental state? How much do I put up with? I want support him but I feel we are living in misery (maybe I am feeling it more than him?) Is there a 'time frame for improvement of PTSD and depression? Thank you

white knight Lack of clarity in relationships
  • replies: 4

It saddens me to read so many people in relationships that aren't happy because they dont have 100% security with that person. It's in no mans land, not being fully convinced that they are happy or you are fully in love or other feeling is a breeding... View more

It saddens me to read so many people in relationships that aren't happy because they dont have 100% security with that person. It's in no mans land, not being fully convinced that they are happy or you are fully in love or other feeling is a breeding ground for anxiety. What do you do when you are in such a situation? We will go to so many lengths to continue a romantic relationship because "love" has that hold on us. The thought of breaking up from someone you feel you are in love with is fear in itself as you realise love is hard to find and being in love feels like you'll never fall in love that much ever again. I dont think that is true at all. To understand my approach we'll need to seek out what "being in love" means. It is more than affection, sexual chemistry and holding hands, so much more like trust, commitment, quashing any doubts, planning ahead, sharing fears and so on. If one party has mental health problems then the need for clarity rises because that person might display signs of doubt by mere behaviour eg not showing commitment or interest during a period of depression, trying to put up a brave face or being aloof. It is therefore crucial for the one with the restrictions to remind their partner they aren't doing anything wrong and all is ok, "I'm not feeling 100% today, I'm hoping you'll understand". 9 words that could put your partner at ease and that is mandatory if you want to allow your partner to remain at ease. People aren't mind readers. Feed them facts. I'm advocating effective communication regardless of your illness. For the other partner I'm promoting understanding by patience and flexibility for it isnt easy understanding an illness you cannot see. This can all be summed up by being considerate and such consideration must continue forever not just during dating, it should become an automatic response to your partners needs at the time. Seeking clarity by information supply by both parties will always be beneficial. Withholding information fuels doubt and anxiety which is not a sign of a loving and considerate person. What do you think? Are you needing more clarity in your relationship?TonyWK

Grace_Joy Partner lying to ATO?
  • replies: 1

Hello, My ex partner runs his own business. I've just logged onto my ATO acc and it says for a previous finanical year that his business has paid me wages of up to $10,000! Now i was unaware of this. We were together at this time, we had seperate ban... View more

Hello, My ex partner runs his own business. I've just logged onto my ATO acc and it says for a previous finanical year that his business has paid me wages of up to $10,000! Now i was unaware of this. We were together at this time, we had seperate bank accounts and he would transfer me money from his personal acc and his business acc mostly to purchase things for him if he was too busy. Like boots, groceries, sometimes I would withdraw what he had transferred to pay his cleaner. We also have a child together so sometimes it was for his child. Or he would just be being nice and give me $50. Sometimes he would be silly in the description and say "gf allowance" or something sexual. Other times the money was to buy him alcohol. Never had it been discussed that I was employed by his business and it was mostly for him he just wnated me to do the errand for him. Im scared to do that years tax now as I never reported any of that money as I was never aware. Ive tried to speak to him and he is acting like I'm dumb and I dont understand. When I know this feels so wrong and so low. Ive gone back through my bank and checked dates of deposits and have messages showing that he had asked me to buy alcohol or do something for him with his money that was for him. I just need some support, anyone else had a similar experience?

BSB Adult child dealing with alcoholic parent
  • replies: 2

I am in my mid 20s, parents have just separated and one suffers from poor mental health and is an alcoholic. They don’t believe they have an issue so won’t accept help. Needing some suggestions or guidance as to how best to manage it?

I am in my mid 20s, parents have just separated and one suffers from poor mental health and is an alcoholic. They don’t believe they have an issue so won’t accept help. Needing some suggestions or guidance as to how best to manage it?