Hi, welcome
I do understand completely as this is the opposite situation than what I had, so you see things differently. Step parenting is a complex situation most times.
When my ex wife and I separated, our youngest was 4yo and I tried from that moment on to get a good communication base with her for the childrens sake and harmony. But it was never to be and sadly when my youngest reached 18yo I told my ex wife to not contact me again.
So there are parents of children that believe and feel that the presence of both parents at events is a good thing for all concerned. You only have to view childrens happy behaviour when both parents talk in front of them to see the results.
As for having "two birthdays" some split families have more, estranged grandparents aunties and uncles, it matters not how many really.
IMO it would be an advantage to all concerned if you befriended the childrens mother to a point whereby you both had zero anxiety when you meet. This fluent meet up she likely would appreciate as a mother as she would think you were an asset to her children not an unknown factor.
So in essence I disagree with you on this occasion and although I do see why you feel that way I also see his views as his first obligation is to his children and that hopefully wont hurt you but is reality.
Step parents, the parents and the children in families are all in a sensitive situation not common with each other. I've been a step parent to a boy 2-7yo, then two teens 14 and 17yo and had a step mother twice one with a girlfriend and now currently with my 2nd wife and my daughter adores her. But all those roads were difficult not least being the ability to see things from the others perspective. I hope I've made inroads there.
P.s I hope also you are ok with your childs passing. We are here if you need to talk.
TonyWK
