The Lonesome Loser

[Toymanpete]

G'day. I'm 42 and have a long history of breakdowns, anxiety & depression. I've never had a friend, romantic or sexual experience before & I'm so lonely & at wit's end. Growing up, I was bullied relentlessly- to the point of being indecently assaulted by some other kids. At home, my sick, psychotic father needed to have absolute power over those living in his house, driving away my extended family and any friends I've ever had. When I was 18, we moved to a small town, where I still live, looking after my Elderly, abuse-survivor mother, who's a good sort of person, just with mobility & fatigue issues. From day 1, some of the locals here made it clear that they didn't like me, telling me to "Go back where ya came from!" (I was born in Melbourne & am part Scottish). I in turn have frozen out all the locals except a few who bothered to get to know me. I do have family here- My sister & her hubby (my mate!), but my sister is a mentally-ill former heroin addict who, when she does bother to visit us, never has anything positive to say at all & you never know what version of her you're gonna get. She acts like a 54-year-old 14-year-old! My sister had 10 kids, but none of them want to know us, leaving home as soon as they could. The girls both married into money and are terrible snobs & the boys live in other states. Since my sister became a nanna, she seems intent on replacing us in the family, with a 6-month-old baby! These days, the only time I ever leave the house is to do errands, hardly speaking to anyone & still getting stares off the mostly elderly locals. The rest of my time is spent in my mancave, talking to the vintage toys in my collection, because they listen & destroying my hearing with loud 80's music. There are social groups, activities, etc here but they're mostly aimed at elderly people. I'd love to find my happy ever after with a lady, but living here, I can't see it happening soon! I even considered a trip to the city to lose my virginity, but being on a DSP, I couldn't even afford that! Can anyone here identify with my situation or perhaps help? Thank you for listening.  

[Sophie_M]

Hey Toymanpete, 
 
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forums! We want to acknowledge what a brave and powerful post you have taken the time to share. We hope the kind words and understanding of our lovely community members help and are a comfort to you.   We can hear you've been having trouble connecting to others and feeling alone. It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot, sometimes it's difficult to look after ourselves and our own wellbeing when we have responsibilities such as caring for family members. It sounds like you have incredible self-awareness and ability to express yourself, this demonstrates amazing strength.

Christmas and the year-end can be an especially difficult time for many people in particular. It sounds like you've had a difficult time but also it seems like you've been thinking about the future and ways of putting yourself out there. For difficult moments especially when you feel like speaking to someone about these issues, the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you and would welcome your call or online chat, anytime it would help you to speak to someone.  
 
We’re sure you’ll hear from our community soon, but in the meantime here’s a few of articles we thought you might like. We’re hoping some of them can bring you a bit of hope or new ideas: 

• Fun activities to do on your own 
• Finding your tribe 
• I know I need support, but how do I ask for it? 

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums. You never know who might read this thread and feel less alone in their own experience.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M