Mother/best friend to Stranger

[Halah9]

My whole life my mother has been my main support in most things and now I feel like I’m loosing her if not already lost her.

A fight broke out in between mum and I at a family holiday a few months ago and we have never been the same. I attempted to express myself as authentically as I could via email because I didn’t believe we could have had the conversation without it turning into yelling and crying. A long message essentially about how I think our relationship would be better and we wouldn’t fight like that if we communicated better. Never got a response nor an acknowledgement. Though I know she got it. The few conversations we have had since then have been superficial (never have been this way before). As of 3 weeks ago when I was indirectly uninvited from a weekend away with her and a couple of other family members, she has not once’s tried to contact me. Nor I her, but mostly because I feel like she’s pushing me away. I see through social media that she’s out doing all the things we used to do together with other family and friends. I have reasons to think that through her latest life changes she has grown to see me as a burden but I just never thought she would actively try to push me away. Prior to this, mum has been my person I go to for everything. We have always had such a strong bond. Now I’m just so lost.

I have been given an opportunity to move across the country. Another family member who is close with mum encouraged me to do this. I’m seriously considering it. But will this cement in mums estrangement?
After reading so many other people’s familial issues on here, mine seems like a dream boat in comparison. Although I’m still not coping since this has all developed. We are talking around 2-3 months now. My sleep has never been worse, I feel withdrawn, flat and at my worst part of the day my passive suicidal ideations take a spike (I’m in no immediate danger, I have strategies for this). I’ve been talking to a couple of close friends about this. They have been a godsend through validating my feelings and just listening. Although I feel like a burden on them. I don’t feel like I can’t talk to anyone in the family about any of this. I don’t want to distress them or they would dismiss the whole thing anyway. I’ve been meaning to make a GP appointment but I’ve been putting it off due to being flat and worried the GP or whoever they refer me onto will only suggest medication. I guess I’m just trying other avenues of help first. Thanks for reading x

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's a troubling time for you. It's wide to post here and get some suggestions.

I recall when I was 22yo and living at home I had a big argument with my mother and she told me to leave the house. It shocked me, I never thought she would kick me out! I realised later it was a example of power more than intolerance as I was the one not yelling, she just wanted me to agree with her. So, this was after my 3 years in the Air Force and quite independent and working. I left anyway. As time went on at 29yo she ruined my wedding. I couldnt make sense of her attitude. Eventually in 2011 I got married again and yep- she tried to ruin that wedding also, I had to get a court order to make certain she wasnt going to attend.

Such is the complexities of some people and now, much more knowledgeable, I assume with confidence that she has an illness possibly Borderline Personality Disorder. She is in denial as I invited to attend her GP with her- a flat "no"!. A friend suggested I google "queen witch hermit waif" and they are the 4 personalities to extreme BPD. Try it, if you think they fit we can talk. But the result was, havent seen my mother for 12 years and last xmas my sister went down the same route, now I had to remove her from my life.

There is also the "familiarity breed contempt" issue that is sometimes the case along with "absence makes the heart grow fonder".  The offer interstate sounds risky as that person might secretly confide in updates to your mother, I'd prefer a complete break for a while and exchange birthday and xmas cards but dont expect returns as that will hurt. Some parents cannot hold a reasonable conversation as that doesnt allow for their need to dominate or control. That could be unfair of me as I dont know you nor her at all but from my experience this can be the case, or perhaps she has personal issues she cant divulge. Either way absence can be the remedy. Stress is underestimated nowadays.

I've had therapy and it didnt work that well for me in terms of family issues because we are talking about human disputes and that isnt easy to assess when the other party isnt attending. Again parent often refuse to attend as it means they could be facing accountability. As my mother used to say "there's is nothing wrong with me, its everyone else thats the problem". Says it all really.

A lot depends on your age and point in life. When we've had family in our lives since birth its hard to imagine separation from them, but in my experience, its best to strive for an independent life and things often sort themselves out over time. Be busy, hobbies, sports and friends, outings, work hard and discover yourself. Relying too much on family places us in a vulnerable place. 

Reply anytime

TonyWK