Am I beyond redemption?

[ApolIo]

It was hard for me to write this. I felt like an utter fraud, directionless, and in disbelief of myself and my actions.

I met him in 2020. After 2 failed relationships, he was the one to finally re-introduce happiness and emotion into my life. his friends and him were the ones that helped me genuinely smile and laugh after the misery that was my highschool days and beyond. I thought that I had a genuine connection with him, but despite all the chances I was given, I'd always manage to ruin it.

- I was clingy

- I was needy for attention

- I tried to micromanage

- I was self-destructive

- I used avoidant attachment

- I kept making promises that I'd fail to keep

- I always said that I'd change, got comfortable and never kept myself accountable and in check

- I wasn't fun to be around

- I never wanted to do anything

- I'd lost my passions and motivations

- I never stopped to think about my actions

- My emotions during the heat of the moment always got the better of me

- I had developed an unhealthy coping mechanism of shutting my emotions away due to 'childhood traumas' according to my therapist

And now, I've cheated on and betrayed them, even if I say I NEVER meant to do it.

It all started when his ex messaged all his friends, including me. Despite being told not to, and her history with mental health, I talked to her and sympathised with her, thinking that I could help her when I couldn't even help myself.

Then I started talking to people behind their backs for sexual gratification.

I can't stop asking myself why I did it, I didn't hold any love in my heart for any of them. I didn't need what I did, I didn't think I'd ever do something like this to hurt him, but it was me, doing all of that.

I want to feel so much more pain and misery for what I did, but my coping mechanism completely shuts my emotions off. I feel so empty writing this, can't even cry properly because it just comes and goes in bursts.

I love him, I really, really, really do. I wish I was a bawling mess, on my knees, but I'm just empty and numb, with that throbbing pain in my heart.

It always takes a shock to break me from my unfeeling shell, and this one is my worst offence yet.

I wish my emotions would just....COME OUT. Instead of there always being a sledgehammer that busts down the wall of emptiness for me to grasp the gravity of the situations that I've caused due to my inability to empathise and comprehend.

I wish I'd just stopped to think about the things I was doing.

I'm always too late, always.

I'm sorry...

[Croix]

Dear Apollo~

You are very upset. No you are not beyond redemption. Childhood trauma makes life and relationships 'difficult'. Now all the things you have said you have done are all part of that one little word 'difficult' and are very heard to bear.

If you did not recognize what you have been doing is harmful - both to yourself and the person you  love - htat it would be very different matter. However you do know that are not the things to do, and that is more than a start.

It shows while you may lose it and behave less wel than you might like at times you do have an idea of what things should be like. I cna't speak for the one oyu love, or how they might react, but I think in time you will master all these things and become happier with yourself. You may even find in time it is easier than you think right now when it all seems an overwhelming amount.

And that way you can offer another even more than you do now. You are in any case a kind person, if you were not you would have not tried ot help his ex.

I strongly suspect that some of those thngs are not as bad as you believe. Many who have had harsh childhoods tend to blame themselves - even though that fault is not with them , but those that did the mistreating.

So what to do? I guess first talk wiht the one you love and see if there is a way to be together. If you  find words fail you show your post, it comes out so clearly your regrets and sorrow anyone can understand and believe you.

Apart from that every time you do not do one of theses things you have listed think of it as a victory, it is better for you to have a some victories than a whole list of defeats.

You are a person worthy of your own effort, and that of others.

I do hope you feel like coming back and saying how you are going

Croix

[ApolIo]

Hey Croix, thanks for the warm reply.

To be honest, I'm not really sure how I'm really feeling.

At the moment, its just emptiness, with no lingering emotions, and a lump in my chest - No thanks to my mind emotionally flatlining on me.

However, you're right. I'm no longer feeling as overwhelmed. 

I understand that some of the things i've listed aren't my fault, such as my trauma-induced coping habits, my pessimism and my emotional detachment.

I also accept the things that were my fault, such as my lack of thought, consideration and communication, my inability to keep myself accountable and in check, and ultimately, my lack of commitment and dedication to changing, and to my loved ones.

Its just that I've been given so many chances to fix most of these harmful things with their comfort and support. Yet time and time again, I've failed to deliver on my promises and ultimately ruined their trust and belief in me. Its been 3 years, and I feel that I've gotten worse.

I wish I could talk with them, but I fear that my words no longer hold any weight. 

I've already apologised, owned up for the things I've done, and tried to convey my regret and sorrows, but it just feels fake to them - A broken record, so to speak.

I've been told that I'm a liar, a fraud, that I don't love them, and that they no longer care.

I think my only move now is to give them space, to focus on working on myself for my own sake, and just to carry hope within my heart that they will eventually be willing to see my change and hear me out again.

If I don't change on my own, then something like this will just happen again.

I do want to change...

I'm already putting effort into changing my habits, but I just feel so directionless.

Once again, thank you for your kind words.

- Apollo

[therising]

Hi Apollo

I once read a book that opened my mind to the concept that we're multifaceted by nature. The book is 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. I found a helpful way of looking at this concept to involve what can be imagined as and old style wagon wheel. From a core sense of self (the hub) come many spokes and these elements, the hub and the spokes, form the whole of who we are. The spokes may represent the people pleaser in us, the excitement seeker, the victim, the analyst, the wonderer, the philosopher, the self preservationist, the student (who seeks greater knowledge) and the list goes on.

Catto's concept involves all elements or facets of self coming to life at different times and for different reasons. In positive times some will come to life for the first time or come back to life when triggered, just as in traumatic or depressing times others will come to life for the first time or come back to life when triggered. Each will sound different (internal dialogue) and each will feel different (emotionally). It's about mastering gradually coming to life, bit by bit.

I find Catto's idea helps explain why we can struggle at times. For example, if the excitement seeker in us is pushing us to feel nothing but pure excitement, the compassionate part of us that helps us relate to the pain our sense of excitement can bring others is something we can be completely tuned out from. While the excitement seeker may dictate 'Everything will be fine, this is exactly what you need', things don't always work out this way. When a more compassionate part of us takes the wheel, forcing the excitement seeker in us to take a back seat, the inner dialogue's suddenly 'What have you done?! How could you have brought so much pain to others?'. Or maybe it can be the harsh inner critic with its cruel words, 'You're a horrible person...'. Any part of us in its purest form can create issues on occasion.

I'd have to say the inner sage is one of my favourites. It is typically the voice of reason and kindness. It can promote a gentle sense of courage, a sense of compassion, constructive ways to experience excitement (in and outside the square). It can help manage the nature of our upstanding intolerant self, dictating 'Don't burn this bridge, you may need it'. In a time of deep regret and remorse, it can even suggest 'You are yet to fully know yourself, why you do what you do and why you feel how you feel. In the process of gaining self understanding do not fall into the trap of hating yourself while you're learning. Simply seek to better understand, while mastering forgiving yourself along the way'. There are many different ways to channel the inner sage.

[ApolIo]

Hey therising.

I find that is a very philosophical way of looking at it, with the Hub and Spoke concept representing humans and their multifaceted nature.

Its just hard to not want to loathe oneself whilst on the journey of mastery and understanding. I often find myself replaying events in my head, over and over and over again. I can't help but want to blame myself for the mistakes I've made, the hurt i've inflicted, and not being strong enough to stop particular facets from spiraling out of control, or failing to awaken them.

Thank you for your insight.

- Apollo.

[Croix]

Dear Apollo~

Thanks for the reply. I still have the feeling that you are taking too much responsibility for many of your actions and your outlook is too pessimistic. True, they may be things you do or have done, that does mean they are all "your fault".

Considering  the circumstances and the effect your past has had one you , and the effect your actions as a result of that past have had on you too.

Maybe I'm not explaining well. As an example I can appear rude, self centered and not interested in my partner. This is not from any conscious plan, dislike, or even thoughtlessness. It is becuse my mind is overfull wiht depressive and anxiety thoughts and there is no room left to deal with any person - no matter how much I love them.

I used to think this was "my fault". However now while I sincerely regret each episode I know it is caused by matters in my past, a symptom if you like. It is not a judgment on me.

This does not mean matters are set in stone, I'm unrecognizably better now than I used to be and hope for even more improvement.

Croix

[ApolIo]

Hi Croix

I'm really trying...

I wish the people that I talk to that try to help me could truly, TRULY understand the extent of what I have done.

I've COMPLETELY ruined everything
I can't-
You don't understand how much I've destroyed their life
Even I don't comprehend it...

The amount of time, patience and kindess they've given to me...

The amount they've Sacrificed for me...

So many chances...SO MANY

Only a time machine would allow me to reedem it all...

I don't mean to ramble or whine, but its just too much...

By the time I desperately wished that I got help or wanted to change, it was always, always too late.

[therising]

Hi Apollo

I think hindsight and consciousness can be double edged swords at times. It can take weeks, months or years to develop them and in the meantime we can keep repeating the same mistakes. Then when hindsight and greater consciousness come we can suffer horribly through them. I often wished, when I was younger, I could gain such a great level of consciousness to the point where I could understand and change my own behaviour and way of thinking. When I started to become more conscious, part of that was about realising just how much pain I'd caused others at times in their life. I think it's next level consciousness that allows us to be a little kinder to our self. Level 1: I can feel the pain I've caused others. Level 2: I now understand why I acted the way I did. Level 3: I forgive myself. Something like that.

I think one of the challenging things about depression involves trying to manage the incredible desperation to feel 'happiness' or excitement. My younger self was so desperate to feel happy and high end exciting emotions to the point where she'd drink and then do semi conscious things that would lead her to feel what felt like happiness and excitement in the moment. With greater consciousness the next day came incredible regret and so many other low end depressing emotions. Sometimes the regret was literally sickening. Even when the alcohol hangover finally left, the sickening emotional hangover of deep regret would linger. Some of it lingered for years. When triggered by a single memory, my stomach would churn.

I think deep sadness can be responsible for some of our highly questionable behaviour at times. A sense of feeling completely lost, while misdirecting our self, can also be responsible. I've found brilliant guides can make all the difference. 1) they have the ability to illuminate what we could never see before (regarding our thoughts, actions, beliefs etc) and 2) they have the ability to light the way ahead, revealing the ways or the paths that will lead to significant change.

[Croix]

Dear Apollo~

You are not rambling or whining, you are simply seeing everything from the worst possible viewpoint, and like it was for me that might not be as accurate as you believe.

It is easy for people to say 'be kind to yourself' - a phrase that does not seem to mean much right now, in fact there does not seem to be any way to do it - or any point.

You are worth a lot, a kind human being in the throes of anxiety and regret. The way to be kind might be simple, every time you think things are hopeless,, went to far, are unforgivable - let a tiny trickle of doubt in, just maybe it might not be as bad, or as irrecoverable. No need to work out how or try to be logical, just let that thought in for a moment.

I was utterly convinced nothing was fixable, my view of the world correct and unshakable. I was wrong

Croix