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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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LastChance Wife accuses me to chat to other women, etc.
  • replies: 1

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Her until then relatively mild passive aggressiveness got more frequent and intense. I suggested external help but she refused. Therefore, I started to research by myself. Sh... View more

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Her until then relatively mild passive aggressiveness got more frequent and intense. I suggested external help but she refused. Therefore, I started to research by myself. She found my research and the fact that I chatted with other people. Mainly in forums like that and / of closed FB groups. We talked about it and that my intentions were looking up information, share experiences, etc. Long story short, until today she thinks that I shared issues that should not be discussed outside the marriage and that I am chatting with women. Any suggestions?

white knight Tolerance of other people-  the era of denial
  • replies: 5

The "tolerance of other people" series of threads is focussed on trying to make sense of how people think away from what we expect them to think. A concern of mine for some time has been how in the last 20 years or so, the birth of the era of denial.... View more

The "tolerance of other people" series of threads is focussed on trying to make sense of how people think away from what we expect them to think. A concern of mine for some time has been how in the last 20 years or so, the birth of the era of denial. In simple terms- when someone clearly and ethically does wrong but denies such wrong doing in fact often now, once the deny it, they double down as if fully committed. Such behaviour is not gaslighting whereby someone tries to convince another by actions and manipulation, that they are going crazy. For example- Walking my small dog last week on a lead and suddenly a larger dog ran across the road and attacked myself and my dog. I was really lucky it let go of my dogs neck and tried to bite me. No damage but the owner in her 20's, her sister and her mother all blamed me for walking my dog in "their" street. I'm an ex dog ranger so I know the law and most dog owners know you cant have a dog unrestrained. The ranger attended and despite admitting their dog was unrestrained continued to deny wrongdoing. So, the era of denial is extended to "the people in denial go on the attack". Another common situation is romantic affairs beyond the established relationship. People having the affair (including emotional affairs on the internet) deny wrongdoing. "It's not an affair, just a bit of fun". Times and standards change quickly. I'm 65yo and as a child I received guidance from my parents and other adults, uncles, aunties and grandparents. What they said was what we did. That moral code was not unlike many tribes and generations that handed down the guidelines. So, would this new attitude be responsible for marriage breakdown? Possibly. When admission of guilt is not forthcoming where is the rule book? The offender that has strayed often knows full well the boundary they've broken but denial sows the seeds of guilt and guilt means doubt. Hence solid evidence is usually needed. Apologies no longer exist In this "era of denial" it has led us to one decision-the implementation of the law. That is the only way we can deal with those that break the law whether allowing their dog to wander/attack, a small accident in a car park or a partner straying. It is an advantage to us to finalise any wrongdoing either lawfully or by action (eg leaving). Our challenge is to remind ourselves what we know as the right thing to do in a era of denial by those willing to sow those seeds of doubt. You deserve better if you are honest. TonyWK

nit Going through a rough break up and self acceptance
  • replies: 1

Since the day I connected with him, I could feel something isn't right. But I wanted to know him, get close to him, even though we weren't aligned. I went with it and started to trust him with secrets, I have never disclosed to anyone. I expected the... View more

Since the day I connected with him, I could feel something isn't right. But I wanted to know him, get close to him, even though we weren't aligned. I went with it and started to trust him with secrets, I have never disclosed to anyone. I expected the same or at least that he wouldn't lie to me. He lied about his past initially, which I got to know only because his words didn't match, as to what he told me previously. I felt disrespected because it was something that I was completely honest about but he wasn't. Before this happened, he pointed out things that I'm insecure about like skin colour, acne, body image etc. For me, it is so basic not to mention anything the person can't fix in a few seconds, but he didn't care how I would feel about it.Also, on our initial date, he kissed me without even confessing how he feels about me, I still went with it, thinking he would say it very soon. But it didn't happen. I was very confused, as to what was happening. If the guy is interested, why is he not being vocal or saying things directly? Sending memes, or texting good morning/gn texts isn't enough, I need to hear the words. We met again, and things remained the same, but this time he went one step further, which put me off and I went home. I felt so bad for what had happened. I called him in the evening to talk about it, he said he had a similar feeling. He went with it because, in his past relationships, everyone would move fast, so he had the same image of me. I felt very disposable because I am very different to other people and I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. i don't know why I liked him or wanted to be with him, he apologised and we again continued to date. But with no labels, because I wasn't sure if he was a good person and wanted to take some time. I didn't feel it right to judge him from his behaviour, it could be the way he was brought up or things he has seen that made him this way. Things went wobbly again, I didn't have a sense of trust or safety. I was so anxious the whole time, ' is he still comparing me to his past exes, what part of me doesn't like '.

Trying_Optimist Don't want to let go of 1% hope but don't want to be a doormat
  • replies: 4

Hi, My fiance and partner of 8 years ended us in July. Reason: 'he needed to work through childhood trauma and didn't think he was a relationship person'. I have now been out on my own for 1 month. I chose to move because I thought it would show him ... View more

Hi, My fiance and partner of 8 years ended us in July. Reason: 'he needed to work through childhood trauma and didn't think he was a relationship person'. I have now been out on my own for 1 month. I chose to move because I thought it would show him my commitment to listening to what he needs (distance) and that still living together was doing further damage. When I moved out, I found him sobbing and holding his head and then at the end he just kept repeating, 'I'm so sorry, I'm so confused'. Fast forward a week and a half from moving and I went back to get things (I still have a lot there). I found the work 'friend' I had expressed concern about all year stayed the night. I was shattered. I left without him knowing. He had said earlier it was his male friend coming for tea that night. A few days after that it was our anniversary. My friend helped me move more stuff out while he was at work, but I ended up seeing him later. We ended up talking for 2 hours, but it was basically him crying and unloading on me about being confused and this not feeling real & he may move home overseas next year (our original plan). He said the female friend had stayed because her apartment had 'carpet moths'. She in the bed, him on couch. I so desperately wanted to believe that. He repeated that he would never go out with her for many reasons such as an alcohol problem. I left and felt just so sad for him and me. The following week I was in the area so messaged him to see if he was ok for me to go and get stuff - he replied ok.I found more evidence of her being there. I feel sick and leave. Don't say anything. We end up talking the next day as my rental had water leaks and may need to stay at the house for a night. He ends up yelling at me that I trigger him. I ask how as I don't intend to. He refuses to tell me and the phone call ends. A week ago I went back for things when he'd be at work. More evidence of her. I'm Crushed. I see a note from her saying that 'though she can't say everything she'd like to, she has so appreciated his care and warmth'. I hate I still hope we could try again with a stronger understanding of what we both need. We still haven't sorted the house/money and I'm afraid that I'm being a doormat while he gets to enjoy our lovely house with the 'friend'. But I don't want to make it so final and walk away.

LastChance After the crisis
  • replies: 2

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Since that time every hug or smile feels fake, every sympathy is an act of respect but does not feel sincerely. Sometimes I feel she is totally checked out and just waits for... View more

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Since that time every hug or smile feels fake, every sympathy is an act of respect but does not feel sincerely. Sometimes I feel she is totally checked out and just waits for the right moment to exit. It’s hard to describe. Any tips?

Kelly_T How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?
  • replies: 29

This week I found out that my husband ( 9 years married, 14 years together) has been in a relationship for the past three years. They would meet at his hotel initially and since then, they would regularly speak on the phone or via text in French, she... View more

This week I found out that my husband ( 9 years married, 14 years together) has been in a relationship for the past three years. They would meet at his hotel initially and since then, they would regularly speak on the phone or via text in French, she was saved in his phone under a man's name. He tells me that, in general, the relationship for the past 2 of 3 years was really just banter and not sexual, he was texting her while we were away for my 40th birthday, she called him when his father died, their relationship was intertwined with our most personal moments. During that time, I would dream about their relationship almost every week and tell him about it, I also found receipts for private flights over the harbour (how romantic) he got mad at me, I now realise he got mad at me and made me feel like a paranoid woman numerous times, when most of those times what I was asking him about was directly related to his infidelity. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and anger I can't even explain how my body hurts, I have been on the couch for 3 days and nothing matters to me anymore. I feel dead inside and like everything I believed in was nothing. I always believed we were through everything so connected in our hearts and I can't understand how he could betray me for so long, who is he? It's like everything I thought I knew was wrong. I feel like I'm having a breakdown, my head is empty, I just sit and stare at things and then cry and then repeat and wish I could be drugged or put in a coma so I don't have to process this consuming sadness. I need to hear from people who have been here, I love him and he is also devastated about his mistakes. We are going to counselling today for the first time and I expect I will just cry. I just wish it could be erased and he could be back as he once was. How do you get past this? I fear I'm going to be broken after this, I'm afraid I won't be me again.

Creative42 My anxiety angers my sister
  • replies: 5

Hi allI’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life, sometimes managed it well, other times not so well. I’ve previously had to escape an abusive relationship with a partner, and start over in another state.My sister has supported me through this, ... View more

Hi allI’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life, sometimes managed it well, other times not so well. I’ve previously had to escape an abusive relationship with a partner, and start over in another state.My sister has supported me through this, however, she doesn’t fully understand what any of it feels like. If I’m not doing everything she thinks I should be, she gets angry. I was recently triggered by an event at work in which a man ran into the store yelling, bleeding and trying to find another car to steal. I had to handle the aftermath with police, and helping look after two young teens who he’d stolen keys from. My boss and my other superior weren’t at work that day, and I found it difficult. I wanted to help everyone, but was struggling not to break down myself.I thought I would be ok, but it triggered past memories and feelings of being in danger. I wasn’t able to make it into work the next two days, and I behaved poorly by not letting them know. I was overwhelmed, terrified and the only way I could cope was to sleep. My work rang my sister to see what was going on, and when I didn’t answer my phone, she came over. I feel ashamed of my behaviour, terrified of going to work tomorrow, and after speaking with my mother, have learnt that my sister is angry and fed up with me. I could tell she was angry as soon as she arrived at my place, and she wanted nothing to do with me. I don’t know how to handle her. I don’t want to lose her, but it feels awful that she’s angry with me, is always thinking I’m not doing enough, or trying hard enough. I feel like she considers me a failure, and doesn’t want anything to do with me.

max_u Trapped by work
  • replies: 4

Just to start, English isn’t my strong suit. I’m six year in on my business, I’m established and things are going well on the surface. underneath I feel trapped, I work 14-16 hrs a day six but usually seven days a week, I picked up a second job just ... View more

Just to start, English isn’t my strong suit. I’m six year in on my business, I’m established and things are going well on the surface. underneath I feel trapped, I work 14-16 hrs a day six but usually seven days a week, I picked up a second job just help out. my partner is very sick and I feel I should be spending all my time with him before it’s too late. I haven’t seen much of my family either apart from the occasional phone call. I don’t have any friends. I’m working to keep our heads above water and I do alright but things are getting tight. we are planning a trip to Disneyland but will need to produce a lot of money quickly, money I just don’t have. I do love my job though.

Viki123 Ghosted
  • replies: 1

Hi I was in a 5 year relationship with a man that I met online. At first I wasn’t into him and viewed my online experience as a bit of fun after an abusive marriage of 16 years and a bitter divorce that went on for 2.5 years. Looking back I think I w... View more

Hi I was in a 5 year relationship with a man that I met online. At first I wasn’t into him and viewed my online experience as a bit of fun after an abusive marriage of 16 years and a bitter divorce that went on for 2.5 years. Looking back I think I wasn’t ready to date. the first 6 months for me were full on as he love bombed me. He fell hard and hardly worked and always wanted to be with me. I kept pushing him away. My gut told me that he wasn’t the one for me but his kind gentle nature made me want to make it work so much. He was jealous and insecure which created problems and I found myself changing to accommodate him. I guess it took a trip overseas with my boys to realise I wanted to really make it work with him - we were apart for 4 weeks. When I got back things were different. His emotional walls were worse and I found the relationship frustrating and I felt empty and not valued. I couldn’t bear to break up with him even though I felt like this as I knew I wouldn’t cope after everything that had happened in my marriage etcAnd I grew to love him. Our kids were like siblings and his daughters adored me. The relationship we all had was really special. I wanted to progress in the relationship but his walls were up I didn’t get to meet his parents in the 5 years togther! in the end, 6 months ago he ghosted me. Just took off!! I managed to get communication from him through his cousin and he actually called me once after 2 months saying that he felt he had to call. I guess the guilt got to him He had lots of excuses as to why he left but I guess the reality is he didn’t love me although he kept telling me he didNot once has he reached out to me or my boys who adored him. His girls were very upset about it all but they’ve now let go which is for the best. I couldn’t eat for a month and struggled to work up until recently I started going to the gym and tried to really focus on myselfI have dated many guys in the hope it will help me forget but I think it makes it worse. Guys are interested and want to continue seeing me but I just can’t do it. I still struggle but it is better - I just wish I could forget Him and move on it’s turned my life upside down just when you think life is settling something like this happens has anyone got a similar story ? V x

teej43 Pregnant and discovered my partner cheating
  • replies: 3

Long sorry short me and my partner just reconciled after 4 years. We have 2 beautiful children already and I am expecting another one which happened quiet quickly with us getting back together. Fast forward 5 months and I have just discovered he has ... View more

Long sorry short me and my partner just reconciled after 4 years. We have 2 beautiful children already and I am expecting another one which happened quiet quickly with us getting back together. Fast forward 5 months and I have just discovered he has been cheating the whole time we got back together. Reasons we split previously was due to drugs and alcohol and I assume cheating in there.anyways I can’t help but feel like an absolute idiot. I seriously was happy living my best single life until I let my guard down and let him back in, and then seeing how happy our kids were to have there family back again. But now how do I crush there world again all the while mine is falling apart