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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Guest_342 Ghosted by my aunt
  • replies: 2

Hello. Does anyone have experience being ghosted by a family member and/or have any tips with how to mentally process it? I had a close relationship with my aunt all my life until the last few years. She has alienated herself from most of her family ... View more

Hello. Does anyone have experience being ghosted by a family member and/or have any tips with how to mentally process it? I had a close relationship with my aunt all my life until the last few years. She has alienated herself from most of her family but we stayed in touch. Though, our relationship did become somewhat strained over that time because she didn't speak kindly of people who are important in my life - my brother's family and my parents - and tried to turn me against them, I felt sometimes. She is suffered from bad depression and I imagine other mental health issues since her 20s - she is now mid-70s. We had an argument over something trivial and that to this day I don't fully understand (something about me not parking my car where I apparently said I would when we agreed to meet up in a local park) and I ended up saying I couldn't have this argument right now and walked off. Since then we have not seen each other (about two years) but we occasionally have exchanged text messages on eg birthdays (though hers have been significantly delayed - sometimes by many months). But in more recent times I have sent texts to let her know I'd love to get back in touch if she would like to but I'm met with silence. I think I've officially been ghosted and feel betrayed and can't for the life of me understand how someone could think a relationship is worth losing to prove a silly point that I don't even understand. We may never hear from or see each other again, and that makes me sad.

bebrave2023 Am I a bad person if I refuse my mother live in my house? Elder Abuse?
  • replies: 5

I am 37 years old and mum of two. My mum is 61 years old. She is single. She doesn’t have any income, so she lives with me and my husband. But she wants to control everything. Every time we went holiday, we have to take her with us, because she said ... View more

I am 37 years old and mum of two. My mum is 61 years old. She is single. She doesn’t have any income, so she lives with me and my husband. But she wants to control everything. Every time we went holiday, we have to take her with us, because she said she is afraid to live at home by herself. And she said if she is not happy, and she will not let us happy. she always think she is the head of our family. Because She thinks she raised me and I should repay her. Now she even want to bring my grandmother(my mum’s mother) to live with us without asking me and my husband‘s permission. She thinks this is our duty and we cannot say No. she makes me feel depress and anxiety. I talked to psychologist, and the psychologist suggest me the ask my mum move out my house. But my mum said if you ask me to leave, I will sue you that you are elderly abuse. I could not handle to live with her anymore. What Can I do?

Ammee My partner is addicted to Cannibis
  • replies: 2

My new partner and I have been dating for seven months. The first four were wonderful and I fell more in love than I ever have before. He had given up gunja a week before we started dating but three months ago he fell off the wagon and one month ago ... View more

My new partner and I have been dating for seven months. The first four were wonderful and I fell more in love than I ever have before. He had given up gunja a week before we started dating but three months ago he fell off the wagon and one month ago it got so bad he was smoking non stop and binge eating and all his hygiene went out the window. This is a man who is usually very hygiene conscious and he is a PT for a living! So it was a huge shock for me seeing him go through this. I have tried to talk to him about the problem but he just gets angry with me when I bring it up . I don’t know what to do! He is a beautiful person when off the gunja but while he’s smoking it he totally changes - it’s like I’m not important anymore. It takes priority and he is difficult to talk to or do anything much. I am struggling cause I am so in love and don’t want to let this one go.. he and I both have mental health issues and the gunja is like self medication for him. He does not want to talk to a therapist either.. and he doesn’t seem to understand or want to understand the impact the smoking is having on our relationship. Any advice on how to approach this situation would be much appreciated.

JL1690 Depression and cheating
  • replies: 14

Hi all, It’s my first time on these forums and I guess I’m hoping to find advice from people who have been in similar situations. My husband and I got married last November after being together for 6 years. Since he began working from home (maybe 18 ... View more

Hi all, It’s my first time on these forums and I guess I’m hoping to find advice from people who have been in similar situations. My husband and I got married last November after being together for 6 years. Since he began working from home (maybe 18 months ago now) and as lockdown became stricter, I’d been noticing that he began to put distance between himself and his friends (for example, complaining that nobody cared about him then not picking up the phone when lifelong friends called), withdraw from activities that previously made hom happy, and become more and more clingy around me (to the point where it seemed I couldn’t do anything without him). Our relationship has always been somewhat unconventional - not open exactly, but it did sometimes involve other people with a lot of talking and boundaries around that fact. Earlier this year he began speaking with someone else, and when that relationship began to break the boundaries of our agreement, I asked him to end it. We entered therapy and I was told he no longer had anything to do with her. Unfortunately, 2 months later I heard from the other woman, who informed me in great detail that there had been an affair going on the whole time. I confronted him, and he told me the reason she’d gotten in touch was that he’d ended it earlier that afternoon. I kicked him out of the house and we’ve been separated for nearly two months. I know that mental illness doesn’t excuse cheating (and in the context of our relationship, we both consider it cheating). I’m also not sure how much of this may have been motivated by his deteriorating mental health - this has proved a catalyst for him to finally recognise he isn’t doing very well, and he has chosen to seek help now despite being adamant he wouldn’t in the past. I think there is enough there to try therapy again and see where it takes us. Are there others out there who have experienced cheating concurrent with mental illness? What was your experience?

3x1st3nt14lCr1s1s Short relationship, BPD split said hurtful things, unsure if should still chase him or I ruined it
  • replies: 4

Seeing this guy for about 3 months. The first 2 wks he was always telling me I was beautiful, perfect, said he seen us having a good life together, and even told me he loves me really early on once. But it tapered, he stopped saying those things even... View more

Seeing this guy for about 3 months. The first 2 wks he was always telling me I was beautiful, perfect, said he seen us having a good life together, and even told me he loves me really early on once. But it tapered, he stopped saying those things even after I spoke to him about it. The honeymoon period doesn't last forever, but it felt so cut short and un natural, he did tell me his ex cheated and I was sus of trust issues, but if it was something that was affecting him or the relationship why didn't he speak up? I felt he wasn't giving me a chance, and I started to feel around 2 mth that he wasn't serious or didn't like me that much anymore. I tried to hold back lashing out as he was still seeing me frequently and even left a toothbrush and soap, but I am at a low point in my life in my rural home town I didn't plan staying in before him, and want to make goals and felt like he was the only thing I had going so I wanted to know where he stood and what he was looking for in the future. It took a while to rock the boat and pose the whole what are we question, and he was suprised when I did because he thought things were chill, but that's my whole point. He said he hasn't explicitly thought about us and future, he'd think about it bc he didn't want to say the wrong thing and reply when he seen me next, but he didn't so I started to lose my cool and told him I need to know about where he stands and commitment now because being in limbo kills me. He said that he thinks I should move if I'm considering it and it's the relationship that is keeping me here and I said if that weren't on the table then we'd just keep going like we are, which for me was physically seeing each other but I felt so emotionally detached and couldn't handle the ambiguity anymore. I split hard, and told him over the phone I haven't liked him for the last month, he went quiet and then hung up when I spoke again. I then sent a bunch of mixed intense texts attacking his character and also begging him to call me back and that I like him so much for about a day. No reply, no answers. I still haven't heard anything from him, I have his stuff here and want to give it back, but he lives with his parents and I'm not ready to be rejected if he doesn't want to speak to me, but I'm also not sure it's something worth pursuing or I ruined it. It has been 2 days since we spoke, I'm not sure if I should wait for it to cool down as he hasn't blocked me even after all the texts. What should I do?

white knight Symbolism used as a tool for happier relationships
  • replies: 2

I first realised I used symbolic tokenism many years ago when I had a falling out with a work colleague in a factory. Basically he went running to my boss about a matter that could have easily been fixed with a short direct conversation. That event m... View more

I first realised I used symbolic tokenism many years ago when I had a falling out with a work colleague in a factory. Basically he went running to my boss about a matter that could have easily been fixed with a short direct conversation. That event made me furious. I took weeks to calm down and my obsession with him and that action caused me to dislike him more each time I saw him. One day at knock off time I did most of the locking of doors when it was his responsibility. He passed me at the last door and said "thanks Tony I appreciate that". That gesture was all that I needed to "bury my grudge" which actually meant that I was needing a reason so I could go in that direction likely because I was uncomfortable and preoccupied with him which wasnt a good thing. Accepting tokenism as a lever to resolve disputes is akin to taking the opportunity to resolve. Resolve means less turmoil over what is most times - minor matters. We dont all do things the same way and that acceptance of being different is one of our basic challenges. There is also "the benefit of the doubt"https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-benefit-of-the-doubt/td-p/254054 The benefit of the doubt is crucial in our judgement of others. In the case above I failed to give that benefit to my work colleague. Instead of seeking out the REASON for him to sidetrack me and report matters to my boss I ASSUMED he was running to the boss so as to degrade me and elevate him. How wrong I was. Following his symbolic gesture of thanking me we got talking really well and one day he brought up the topic to explain to me that his conversation with our boss was due to it being a health and safety matter and at such a meeting among representatives the rule was passed that any such issue must be reported to the manager, documented and the manager takes it from there. Learning that made me realise that there was a failure of communication of such rules by the manager, him or me. Prejudging occurs when we dont have solid evidence of all the facts. It can cause long periods of anguish which can be short circuited quickly "nipped in the bud". That leads to better mental health. Embracing symbolic gestures can lead to solving ill feeling. Grudges are personal and the pain is internal... it solves nothing TonyWK

Elizabeth Louise Husband served me Divorce Papers. Do I have Hope? Or is it Denial?
  • replies: 1

Hi All,My husband asked for a separation again in Aug 22. We had some cracks in our marriage, but i thought things were going OK after i was focusing on my behaviour. But i dropped the ball after some additional stressors which I shouldn't have taken... View more

Hi All,My husband asked for a separation again in Aug 22. We had some cracks in our marriage, but i thought things were going OK after i was focusing on my behaviour. But i dropped the ball after some additional stressors which I shouldn't have taken on. It was too late.He pushed to sell our home and threatened to take me to court if I didn't comply. We sold in November. The packing, moving to a rental was extremely stressful. We share the kids 50/50.After going on a holiday with the kids for a week I was feeling more like myself again.But recently my husband served me with Divorce Papers (2 mths post separation). He is claiming that we were already separated under the one roof for 12 mths which I don't agree with.I cant even use the term "ex" yet. I still call him my husband. Just when I thought I could focus on moving on and letting him go, I'm back to having hope again. I'm thinking If i could prove we were not separated under one roof (which i can), I'm hoping that if I delay the Divorce process, who knows what could happen. Maybe with time and space we might still have a chance to reconcile. There is still Love there and I would love to keep my family together. I hate only seeing my children half their lives. They are still so young.I just think if I could just get him back to marriage counselling just one more time, then maybe we could actually work things out. I know him better now more than ever. I feel like I finally understand him after everything that's happened over the last few years. I know what I did wrong and I was working on change. But change isn't linear. It takes time and patience. Should I just try talking to him one more time? Or give it time and then have that discussion when he is more open to hear me?I will be getting legal advice and hopefully I can delay the Divorce process.I would love to hear some success stories of marriage reconciliation after a period of separation! Especially when your spouse has given up hope.

Eleven11 Fighting the narc in court
  • replies: 24

Is this something anyone else is going through at the moment? I've been in this battle for the past three years and seriously find the legal system a joke.

Is this something anyone else is going through at the moment? I've been in this battle for the past three years and seriously find the legal system a joke.

rhinoceros Entering the world of dating after a long term abusive relationship
  • replies: 10

Hi everyoneI've posted here while I was still in an abusive relationship, and after I left it. I can't begin to express how much I appreciated the support. I'll try and be concise. I was with my ex girlfriend for 5 1/2 years. She unfortunately is a c... View more

Hi everyoneI've posted here while I was still in an abusive relationship, and after I left it. I can't begin to express how much I appreciated the support. I'll try and be concise. I was with my ex girlfriend for 5 1/2 years. She unfortunately is a covert narcissist. There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. Instead of leaving, I spent a long time trying to 'fix' the relationship with the belief that it was my fault she was unhappy/angry etc. Intimacy and sex was a huge issue for us. She had little to no interest most of the time, and early on I had issues with anti-depressants that didn't help either. When she was interested in sex, I really had no choice - saying no was not really an option - she would go into a rage. I've been out of that relationship now for about 1 1/2 years. I had a huge breakthrough recently, where I went on a date with someone. Despite having intense anxiety and panic about it, I managed to do that. It went well. I did mention I was more after friendship initially. It went well enough that we met up again a couple days ago - again I was less nervous. It's tricky- I am interested in this person and would like to spend more time with her. Unfortunately I have a lot of issues with intimacy and sex, caused by my ex. I don't associate it being a positive thing really, rather something to be frightened of. I Just the thought of it really causes me to feel anxious. I wouldn't even know how to begin explaining it. I see a Psychologist and while I've made some progress, it's still an uphill battle. With that said, it would be so sad if I missed out on potentially a good relationship on the account of my ex. One part of me wants to reach out to this new person; I genuinely would like to see her again. Yet another part of me is very frightened. I'm very down in the dumps today about the whole situation. My depression and anxiety is really challenging me. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? I would be so grateful for any help.

JeLo I’m living with a functional alcoholic
  • replies: 8

My husband and I have been together 10 years. He is the closest thing to perfect in almost every way. Affectionate, loving, an incredible father, provider, friend. Everything you could ask for in a partner. But he drinks. A lot. Never during the week... View more

My husband and I have been together 10 years. He is the closest thing to perfect in almost every way. Affectionate, loving, an incredible father, provider, friend. Everything you could ask for in a partner. But he drinks. A lot. Never during the week... But binges from Friday to Sunday. Each night of the weekend he’ll drink 500ml cans of mid strength beer and will easily down 6 (each is 2 standard drinks). And throw in a few double shot whiskeys or some premixed cans of 12%. Sundays is slightly less as he works Monday. He, and I quote, “drinks to destress”. He feels relaxed when he’s “tipsy” - but in most cases, you would classify it as drunk. We’ve fought about his binge drinking behaviour through our entire relationship. It’s the only thing we argue about. He doesn’t think it’s an issue and doesn’t want to change but has tried to cut down to make me more comfortable. Because of this though (and to avoid the arguments), he started hiding alcohol around the house. I’ve caught him hiding drink in shoeboxes, coke bottles and around the house on 3 seperate occasions now. He’ll drink in most occasions. Alone, with friends, even after a full night drinking he’ll come home and have another full night drinking. He’ll stay up late, and never, EVER stops at 1, or 2… He says it’s my problem that I have to adjust to because he’s not going to stop. He constantly reminds me that there’s people worse than him - and yes, there definitely is - but I just can’t seem to get over it. I feel anxious to the point of feeling sick every time he cracks open a beer or pours a drink. And I’m mostly scared for the what ifs. His tolerance is throughh the roof so the amount he drinks keeps climbing. Work and life stresses means he craves it more. He starts getting frustrated if his drinking time is interrupted or delayed. I think about our kids and their exposure to what he defines as normal. I don’t really know what I’m looking for… He’s a great partner. Seriously. But he isn’t willing to compromise on the drink. Am I being silly for feeling how I do if he’s so great in all other aspects? We’re fine during the week but the second Friday night rolls around, we’re both tense.