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I miss my ex

Guest_2503
Community Member

Last month I broke up with my boyfriend whom I've dated for 3 years and have known since kindergarten (we are 20 and attend the same uni). He had told me that his mum disapproved of us being together, I pressed him for more information which he hesitantly gave me. I regret pressing him so much, but he's always been honest with me. He told me that she didn't like me because of my body (I'm 8kg over my ideal BMI). He also told me that she and a group of her church friends regularly get together and talk about how much they hate me, how fat and ugly I am and how they would never let their sons date me and urge her to break us up. She name-dropped a few of her friends who are also friends with my mother, eventually, the truth came out that she had lied about some of what they said in an attempt to make her son break up with me. She would berate him each time we went on a date and scream and harass him for it. He would reassure me that she can't control him but the knowledge of him possibly being swayed by her actions and words (some being lies) and knowing that there are so many people who hate me just because of my body (she barely knows anything else about me), was just too much to bear and I ended things with him because I knew there couldn't be a real future. I told him I didn't want to stay friends because it would be too hard to move on. I know it's probably the right decision, just thinking about him made me feel sick about myself. I didn't want to look at the person I love and instinctively be reminded of why I should hate myself. I knew that mentally I wouldn't be able to handle it long term. I've struggled with suicidal and self-hating thoughts all my life and now they're re-emerging from being triggered. I've also become obsessed with losing weight and have started restricting and purging occasionally. I also miss him a lot, our relationship wasn't perfect but it was ours, we built it up over the years, I was his best friend and he's the first person I've ever loved, it feels like we lost our agency, like something was ruined and we didn't even get to ruin it ourselves. I've texted him once since and he was very curt, I don't think he saw me breaking up with him coming. I don't want to date him anymore because I wouldn't want anything long term (with his mum being like that) but I miss him and I want him in my life, but it'll be so hard to go back to being friends because of our past feelings.

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

I'm much older, 67yo. I look back on my life, the ladies I've dated, lived with, married and broken off with. I'm happily married to a lady I'd do anything for, I mean anything. I'll protect her to the end. Recently instinctively we were rushed at by a Rotweiler dog and I threw myself at the dog to protect her. Luckily the owner controlled it from then on, if not, well, as long as my lady was ok, nothing else mattered.

 

Do you think you deserve the same? Do you think your ex should have fought for you even against his mother? Well, I hope you do because you are worth every effort from your man and nothing less... 100%. You are amazing, you are beautiful , your are a full woman of the world and you should not settle for one millilitre less!!

 

This is the view of yourself you can work towards. Yes the memories, the facts that you grew up together and your first love seem all relevant but in fact they are less relevant now. If he wasnt standoffish with you when you texted him and instead he had the attitude you are and always will be his dream girl and regretted allowing his mother to influence him with his decisions, then there would be some hope.

 

So what now? Well, having had 3 past relationships all over 7 years long splitting up was hard on each occasion but time helps and dating helps also. Join new clubs, make new friends, love yourself and settle only for the best.

 

Eventually you'll fall in love again to a prince that will sacrifice for you. Then you'll be able to compare what you didnt have...

 

TonyWK

Thanks TonyWK 🙂

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Are you placing the ramblings of an overprotective (and clearly out of line) mother above the many years of trust with someone who has stuck by you throughout?
Candidly, in mother's eyes, no woman will ever be 'good enough' for her beloved son and in walking away you have only caved in to her dominance.
Boyfriend is understandably hurt in carrying the blame for the conduct of mother, whereas your issue is solely with her. He also now has to endure the smugness of mother in light of her victory - he needs you to support him through this in a show of resolute defiance and teamwork.
It is hard to know the outcome of any long-term relationship, but the one you presently have is very special indeed and such a connection is rare in the present age.
Whichever direction you take, think carefully about severing the friendship. It sounds much stronger than you might know but right now feelings are still raw.

Thank you Tranzcrybe, I appreciated the insight. I might reach out to him to see where we are at.