Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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trying_to_improve Anxiety and relationship ending
  • replies: 9

Hi, this is my first time posting. I (24,F) have struggled with anxiety and depression (unknowingly) for most of my adolescents and adulthood. I had been struggling for the last 3 months with anxiety, but not realising how bad it was impacting me. I ... View more

Hi, this is my first time posting. I (24,F) have struggled with anxiety and depression (unknowingly) for most of my adolescents and adulthood. I had been struggling for the last 3 months with anxiety, but not realising how bad it was impacting me. I have lost focus with my work, I attributed a lot of this to work demands and deadlines, but now that those deadlines have past and my work has taken the pressure off me. I have seen that I'm still struggling, I have been having panic attacks etc.. About 1.5 months ago, I got black-out drunk with friends (I think I drank excessively so I wasn't feeling anxious around people). That night, I was verbally abusive to my partner, saying horrible things about him and also saying how he doesn't love me, or could never love me because I'm such a horrible person. I have seen a psychologist, and learnt that I have a core belief that I'm unlovable. But, to add to this core belief - my long-term partner of 5.5yrs has broken up with me. He said after the hurtful things I had said that drunken night, he just couldn't be with me anymore. He said that I need to be by myself to get better, and that I need to deal with my anxiety myself. He said he couldn't emotionally support me anymore, he said that my constant questioning of his love has strained him. He felt like no matter what he did to show me he loved me, it wasn't good enough for me to feel loved. He also said he needs space to sort out his own issues (he suffers from anxiety as well).I feel horrible about this because in the past he had shown compassion, empathy and love when I was struggling. I tried to tell him that it wouldn't always be like this, and that once I went through therapy things would improve. He expressed that he didn't want to 'burn bridges', and that he wanted to remain friends and maybe in the future we could see where we're at. I don't understand why he would say that, if you wanted to end things, wouldn't you want to remove that person completely from your life?I constantly spiral thinking that this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't of gotten drunk that night and said mean things to him (which I don't remember what I said). I have very few friends or family that understand, everyone else has their own issues, and I'm burdening everyone. I want to get the love and support from my ex-partner, but I know if I do that it isn't respecting the time/space he asked for.How can I love myself again?

lilaclovee Careless night with consideration to abort
  • replies: 5

We decided a near five years ago to get ahead and pursue studies / apprenticeship to get ahead. We had well jobs but wanted more and knew we needed more in terms of getting ahead. In the midst, we found ourselves pregnant. A surprise and unplanned pr... View more

We decided a near five years ago to get ahead and pursue studies / apprenticeship to get ahead. We had well jobs but wanted more and knew we needed more in terms of getting ahead. In the midst, we found ourselves pregnant. A surprise and unplanned pregnancy but we welcomed it whole heartedly and it still brings tears to my eyes because I feel so blessed to have my now healthy, near 3 year old son. Was it a struggle, absolutely! No one plans to become a mature age student and then start a family. It’s been a tough three years, with covid, one income, cost of living, increasingly inflations, petrol prices etc we’ve only managed to just get on by, with little left over and been unable to save but we’ve done well to never miss a bill and always been able to pay out mortgage. Next year was our year to get ahead! At last! Finally get a new car, I drive the same car I purchased when I was 22 and it’s a Golf, a good car but far from a family car. I am a student nurse and during these years of studies I’ve also been working casually but out of work when I’m on clinical placement, which is a huge stressor, full time hospital hours which means no pay (we don’t get paid) and in a negative because it essentially costs me to be there, loss of income due to ceasing casual work, petrol, parking, food and casual day care costs. We we’re at the end of the marathon and what happens, I’m pregnant!!! This was not in our plans at all and it feels different, I don’t welcome this surprise as I did with my first and that alone brings a lot of sadness and regret to my heart. For most young families, times are incredibly tough and strained, is it a smart or a heartless decision to propose the idea of an abortion due to finance and career ? We can’t even afford to buy a family car until I’m working again, as we evidently need two incomes, our couch is haggard, fitted sheets are torn and we are strained. My partner supports my decision regardless but I know he is feeling the strain of carrying us for a near three years and I don’t blame him, it’s been very tough. I’m at a loss and feel sadness, is it okay to think these things that money and somewhat career is a factor. I just want the best for my family and mentally, I don’t think I will cope, I never planned to be a SAHM too and I feel inferior

FiveSeasons Decision making around termination / abortion in a stable relationship
  • replies: 8

Hi everyone, I am ten weeks pregnant with a completely unplanned fourth baby and we are struggling immensely to make a decision whether to proceed or terminate. We thought our family was complete, especially from my husband’s perspective (# 3 was alr... View more

Hi everyone, I am ten weeks pregnant with a completely unplanned fourth baby and we are struggling immensely to make a decision whether to proceed or terminate. We thought our family was complete, especially from my husband’s perspective (# 3 was already my desperately wanted “extra” baby). Our marriage is solid, but we have little to no support in Australia and we both feel stretched thinly as it is (financially, emotionally, physically and in terms of time and energy). Our youngest is 2, and we were just beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel and as though we might have actually survived the choppy seas of early parenting. This news has thrown us completely off course and we’re still at a loss as to what decision is best for our family after knowing for 5 weeks. We fear another baby could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It would obliterate any chance of getting my career back on track after so much time off / part time, I don’t cope that well with the stress, chaos and frantic pace of our life as it is, and although he is a doting father now he found it increasingly hard with each baby to be present and engaged in the newborn period. We each have gone through periods of depression and anxiety to varying degrees over the past seven years. BUT we love our kids to the ends of the earth and know we would love another. The stress of the decision is crushing me. I go back and forth on an almost hourly cycle, it’s impacting my work and ability to function as a Mum. Hubby says he will support whichever decision I make, but we’re both concerned that both choices have the potential to make or break our little family. Having the baby would set us back in our life plans, and feels like we’d be starting this crazy overwhelming phase of life again, but I’m not sure if I would cope long term with the guilt and doubt of terminating. How do we make this impossible choice? We are running out of time and I can’t continue functioning this way. I guess I’m hoping for some personal experiences of how people worked through an impossible emotional decision and came out the other side with some clarity and confidence in their choice, if that’s even possible?!

Kim3 Setting Boundaires with Teen-Result may mean they have to move out of home.
  • replies: 5

Hi, I have been on a 4 year journey with my now 17 year old. We have been through alot including, leaving school, supporting him and his pregnant girlfriend and then young baby (not my son's baby), drug use, mental health issues, him moving out of ho... View more

Hi, I have been on a 4 year journey with my now 17 year old. We have been through alot including, leaving school, supporting him and his pregnant girlfriend and then young baby (not my son's baby), drug use, mental health issues, him moving out of home to another town. Without getting into it all but that is a quick overview. Currently, my son is staying with me and my 2 other children aged 7 and 9. My 17 year old is currently not working, studying and doesn't do much with his time. I am struggling with this as I have boundaries around drugs and behaviour which I have spoken to him about. He has started vaping and yesterday sat in my car vaping while I was at an activity with my other children. I was quite upset as he know how I feel about this, he didn't seem to care about my boundaries and we were all about to get in the car. I appreciaite that this may not seem like a big deal but I have alarm bells going off everywhere due to previous experiences! I feel like I want to say to hime-Work or study or you can't live with me. This may mean he goes and couch surfs..I am a single mum and have previously felt unsafe around my 17 year when he gets upset and don't want to be in this situation again.. How do you put boundaries in place if that means you feel liek you are puching your child away? Hope that makes sense and thank you for your reply.

Rose.8 Relationship with my mum is bad
  • replies: 3

My mum and I have a very up and down relationship, sometimes she’s amazing and we get along and then other times we’re screaming at eachother and I feel like I hate her. She works from home and it’s so frustrating trying to tiptoe around her, she wor... View more

My mum and I have a very up and down relationship, sometimes she’s amazing and we get along and then other times we’re screaming at eachother and I feel like I hate her. She works from home and it’s so frustrating trying to tiptoe around her, she works on the dining table and for literally 3 years I’ve been telling her to put a desk in her room because she screams and tells people to shut up whenever they try use the kitchen or lounge room. It’s so annoying. She always makes excuses though like her rooms too messy which it is, absolutely disgusting clothes piled up that if I threw out she probably wouldn’t even realise or miss, she always has food packets everywhere, spilt drinks on the table and never cleaned, she’s literally as bad as a kid if not worse…… my dad only makes his side of the bed and his side of the room is clean. He is also sick of it. My mum has been really annoying me. It’s gotten to the point where everything my mum does, makes and cringe, makes me angry and annoyed. She could sneeze and it would make me angry……. I don’t know why I feel this way. The other day I was making myself dinner and she walked passed and burped and I got angry and was like wtf can you not, and she instantly just said “f off, if you think I’m disgusting move out”. This is her go to. Today I asked her to move her car from behind mine because she parked diagonally on the drive way and I asked her not to park like that and again she told me to “f off move out if you don’t like the way I do things”. I can’t communicate anything to her without her saying “I’m such a bad mum aren’t I” “that’s just the way I am deal with it”. I am confused. I’m not saying she’s a horrible mum, she literally does everything for me, gives me money, picks me up after nights out, respects my privacy ect. So I feel like I’m overreacting when these situations happen. once we were in public and she screamed at me and everyone looked. I was super embarrassed and I spoke to her the day after and I told her I didn’t like the way she spoke to me, I tried so hard to calmly communicate with her and she told me that she didn’t remember and why should she be sorry for something she can’t remember or apparently to her didn’t even happen………. she’s a good mum, but she also brings out the biggest rage and anger inside of me. I am confused about our relationship.

Madee I’m wondering if i have been involved in “parental alienation”.
  • replies: 3

How do you know? what are the signs? can I talk to someone? I am not sure what to do. i am better talking, since my ex husband hit me I’ve suffered from seizures and There are other things he did, I protected the kids and I feel as though I failed. w... View more

How do you know? what are the signs? can I talk to someone? I am not sure what to do. i am better talking, since my ex husband hit me I’ve suffered from seizures and There are other things he did, I protected the kids and I feel as though I failed. what advice can you give me?

PositivePolly Serial Cheater
  • replies: 5

Hi, After some my best friend & support during challenging time together, my dad passing, 2 bouts of cancer (One of which left me infertile) and 2 very intense surrogacy journeys. We've been through so much, and worked hard to create the life we have... View more

Hi, After some my best friend & support during challenging time together, my dad passing, 2 bouts of cancer (One of which left me infertile) and 2 very intense surrogacy journeys. We've been through so much, and worked hard to create the life we have. It makes me so sad to think that that is very possibly all over. He is a serial cheater (with the same lady), a serial liar and has significant anger issues (towards himself not the family) and mental health issues (that have been untreated). When our first daughter was newborn (2016) I caught him sexting someone else. We worked through it, went counselling. Then just before our 2nd child was born, caught again, he denied it until he could deny no more - evidence was clear. Same lady. He admitted they were having a full affair (2019). Devastating. We went through couples counselling. I was determined to do all I could to keep our family unit together. A few weeks ago found a text from this same lady. Again he denied - until there was too much evidence to deny. He admits to 6 months of phone sex. His adamant nothing physical, either way it's an affair. Our kids adore their dad-friend's think he is the nicest- he does a lot for our family and I'm not sure how I could have survived without him. He is not coping with the consequences of finding out about affair. When confronted about the affair he got very aggressive (towards himself), he has been self harming (scratching) - he grabbed a knife at one stage (nothing ever directed towards me or the kids). He repeatedly tells me that all he wants is to be with me and the kids, he loves us. he wants nothing to do with the other lady (I've heard all this before). Though he says if his not with me he doesn't want to live. I ask him what did he think was going to happen? He says he was only thinking about himself, his very remorseful. I ask him why - he says its because his sexual drive is so high. He has promised me over and over that he will do all he can to change=taking meds, seeing a psychiatrist etc. He has addiction issues - previously drugs, alcohol - his sober now. My head is spinning, I'm confused & can't talk to anyone(aside from mum) due to judgement. His parents know - apparently his dad did something similar(I keep being told 'it's genetics'). I just want to do the right thing for my family, he genuinely was my best friend. We are due to see a couples counsellor this week

Rupes79 Mental health and isolation
  • replies: 5

Hi All, Has anyone else also found that mental health issues isolated them from friends and family? It’s like I just can’t explain where I am at and I don’t feel comfortable being in the presence of those I know best. It just all gets too hard someti... View more

Hi All, Has anyone else also found that mental health issues isolated them from friends and family? It’s like I just can’t explain where I am at and I don’t feel comfortable being in the presence of those I know best. It just all gets too hard sometimes and easier to isolate yourself than have to explain yourself. Thanks

adamc Expressing Likeness for Women Results in Negative Responses
  • replies: 16

Let me fully explain myself. I have never been considered good looking and over the years, whenever I have expressed a friendly liking for someone, they always respond like I make them weak to the stomach. In High School, I opened my heart to a girl ... View more

Let me fully explain myself. I have never been considered good looking and over the years, whenever I have expressed a friendly liking for someone, they always respond like I make them weak to the stomach. In High School, I opened my heart to a girl thinking she liked me only for her to tell her friends everything I said. Another girl, when we worked as office monitors for the day, she asked me who in our class I liked and when I pointed at her, she responded with "Eewww!!" Another girl who i thought was the prettiest girl in the whole school, I wrote a letter expressing my liking for her, she responded by making prank calls to my home. When I gave Xmas cards to some female shop assistants in JB Hi-Fi who were always friendly and cheerful to me, they left about a week later. A couple of Chinese women I was talking to online a couple of years who I expressed a liking for, turned out be only interested in how much money I'd spend on them. My Dad had a lovely and friendly podiatrist who quite often fell down ill. I gave her a "Get Well Soon" card with a little message saying how nice she is and if I ever needed to see a podiatrist, I'd love to be treated by her. Dad never saw her again. And now, recently I joined eHarmony as a small part of me would like to end up with a nice woman while the other half wanted to see who would express an interest in me. I send smiles and ice-breakers to show my interest and they instantly delete their profiles. I just can't understand why.

Guest_342 Overwhelmed
  • replies: 3

My partner moved from interstate into my house. We chatted every day but only got to travel interstate occasionally for a weekend between all the COVID restrictions. We split up twice during that time due to the stress I was under in Melbourne. The s... View more

My partner moved from interstate into my house. We chatted every day but only got to travel interstate occasionally for a weekend between all the COVID restrictions. We split up twice during that time due to the stress I was under in Melbourne. The second time he didn't take kindly to it but got back in contact late last year and I (stupidly?) asked if he would like to try again. While there is ample room where we live, I felt like someone was in my space. And I find the joint decisions hard. I explained to him a month ago that I was struggling. Nothing really came of it and I have since become more overwhelmed by the change. I especially find bedtime hard and when I come home, I feel trapped and miserable. We have two showers and there is not enough space for both of our towels to hang in my usual ensuite so I have used the other shower for the past month (I volunteered). I am irritable and less tolerant. I don't want any intimacy either for now, as my feelings are slightly resentful and it makes me less attracted. I told him on the weekend that I was feeling overwhelmed and that perhaps we moved too fast and too soon (and rushed because he got a work transfer that was to begin with about a month's notice). I said I wondered whether changing living arrangements for a little while to allow us to grow our connection without the stress of living together might help and that I don't know if the current situation was sustainable. He questioned how living apart could work. Two days later he texted me from work and said all he could come up with is if he sleeps in the other bedroom for a while and use the other shower so I can get my living quarters back. I said I'd like to chat that evening about it. That evening he didn't bring it up, despite my trying to bring it up on our walk by saying, yes, I think we could both do with a good sleep. He proceeded to get into our shared bed that night - though, I reminded him that he said we both need a good sleep so he moved to the other bed. But now it's like he's not willing to entertain the option of living separately (pointing out that he did mention that option before he moved - though, I don't remember that) and seems he wants to persist with the current situation. He's acting normally and all I can see if an elephant in the room. I can't see how that would work and his persisting with it makes me feel like he's discounting the impact it has on me.