Is feeling lonely in a relationship normal?

[PariM30]

Hi, I am Pari 36 YO male and wanted to get some perspective on some situations and feelings I am facing currently. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year and we love each other a lot. She owns a property now and is living with her mum, but she used to come over at my place often, whenever she could get time.

Over a past few months, I have noticed she has been getting frustrated and agitated over small things. And unfortunately the frustration is vented out on me in form of verbal or physical abuse (in front of her mum). I have been turning a blind eye on few of the things but recently (from couple of weeks), she has not been communicating properly. When I send her messages on whatsapp she does not even look at it for days and when she does, she does not reply. She has not tried to call or meet, even after several attempts from my end. The excuses she has been giving is that her job is very busy and she gets tired hence she has not been communicating. I agree her job as a trainer accessor may be hectic, however not been able to send a single text ( a simple good morning or how are going) or have a quick call is hard to digest. I have a busy day too yet I make the effort to ask her how she is going, but getting no response for days has indicated me that she is not interested and wants to ignore me. It is also putting me off the relationship as there is clear lack of engagement from thenother side. But when asked she says she is not ignoring me, and she wants to be in the relationship. 

Not contacting me for 9 consecutive days nor meeting me for a brief period being in the same city, am I wrong to think that she is ignoring me, or is distancing herself from me? Being in the relationship I have been feeling very lonely and seems  bit of one side love now as I barely hear from her. Are these indicators that she does not want to be with me? For me if you love someone, and have the wish and will to make it happen, you do whatever possible to atleast communicate with your partner. Am I being to unrealistic with my expectations?

Would love some guidance or suggestions from someone who has faced something similar. 

Thank you 🙏

[geoff]

Hello Pari, if you are in love with someone, you don't wait 9 days to respond back to them, you find a sec to get back to them.

People use their phone to communicate with others while watching tv, laying in bed or in tea break and always reply and sorry if you wait for this length of time, because no matter what, if love was there, a reply would be instant.

If she is displaying physical and emotional taunts on you, surely indicates how she is feeling towards you, I'm very sorry to say, but this could be contributed to having a MI which you might be able to recognise, and suggest that if she is feeling this way there is help out there for her and to visit her doctor.

If you want this to be rectified, then I certainly hope that it's possible.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Dear Pari, welcome to the forums. 

I don't think that feeling lonely in a healthy relationship is normal, if both have an intimate connection with each other. 
But it is normal, IME, to feel lonely in a relationship with an abusive or toxic partner. 

In fact I didn't feel lonely at all on my own, after leaving this. I felt GREAT! 

You asked whether she is ignoring you? Yes she is, you know she is. 
She's gas lighting you by saying she's not. 

She said she doesn't want to break up, you asked if she wants to be in a relationship with you. 
No one knows better than her, but it seems she's not being honest with you, even when you ask... a sign she is gas lighting you is that you are coming on here to ask us what her behaviour is about. 
If she was able to be honest, she'd tell you, it would sit right with you as the truth and you'd know. 

All this stuff makes working things out in your head, very confusing, I know. That's gas lighting and other things. 

I was alarmed she has physically and verbally abused you. 
You stayed. 
So of course she wants to "keep" this. 
Toxic people often give their partners "kibble" to keep them hanging in there with them and HOPING things will get better. 
Sadly is more common for things to escalate, not improve. 

If you want more 1:1 clarity on the situation, please call 1800RESPECT and talk to the wonderful Counsellors there. 

You always have the forums too! 

EM

[PariM30]

Many thanks Geoff. So she met me on Friday but since then again no messages,  nothing. And I know she uses her phone as she has checked out my FB story, and she does not have time to text me. I have decided not to initiate any conversation from my end, until she realises she has just taken me for granted for a very long time.  Thank you again for your reply🙏

[PariM30]

Hi EM, thank you fornyour response, yes I think you are spot on she is gas lighting making me feel this is normal when it is not. 

I have decided to stop my initiations to conversate with her, hope she realises she has taken me granted for a long time, and I have just been forgiving her.

[ecomama]

Dear Pari, 

As painful as all this can be for you, you are making the next right decision for yourself. 

You sound like a very caring, thoughtful and forgiving partner. You know your worth. 

I hope you can see that you're worth far more than the treatment you're receiving atm from (ex?) gf. 

Recovery time? 
Pour all the love you can possibly invest right back into yourself. 

You're most welcome to stay within the forums, have a look around esp in the Wellbeing sections and of couse update your thread whenever you choose. 
It's totally up to you how you use the forums. 

Kindest wishes for a wonderful NOW and a fantastic future. 
Love EM