Once a cheater always a cheater?

[Jamesneedsyouropinion]

So it was my ex,

who after a year in the relationship asked me if I think that once a cheater always a cheater...

I replied with yes! There's a reason it's a phrase!

She replies with..

I believe that it's not true..

I believe that people can change.

My questionsnto you all is..

1. What do you think the agenda of the question is?

(By her asking me)

2. Does someone who hasn't cheated normally have this opinion..?

3. Is this a confession?

Please help!

I need closure and I know Il never get it from her

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I dont think the answer to the question is the most priority of your post. The fact that you claim "and I know Il never get it from her" is imo the real issue here. If you were to have a truthful caring open discussion on any topic then the main question would be answered yes?

This communication issue is a major flaw in your relationship. Couple generally are open about beliefs and standards before they become a couple, so these topics are ironed out beforehand... it's what determines your compatibility. Without that openness in order to receive answers so you dont dwell, then is pure guesswork and that causes stress.

I'd strongly suggest couple counselling. If she wont attend the go alone but dont divulge details of your meetings because if she wants to know she would attend.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Jamesneedsyouropinion~

I'd like to join Tony WK in welcoming you here.

Frankly reading your message does not realy give much to go on - for example did you cheat in the  relationship? (sorry to be blunt), did she, or is it about something else entirety?

The most obvious way of trying to settle the matter is to ask your ex what it is all about.

There is one thing that does make me pause - why are you concerned about this conversion wiht you ex in the first place?  Do you have hopes of getting together again?

One hopeful thing about that remark was that she does believe peple can change, which is certainly true. Just learning form experience can make a huge difference.

Would you like to come back and say more?

Croix

[ecomama]

Hey James, welcome to the forums! 

Did she "ghost" you? 

In any case, clearly you have unanswered questions and feel the need to create your own closure. 
You sound a lot like me. I couldn't work out the last exH for the life of me, so I did enough of my own research on these personality types. WOW it was enlightening! Also created 1000% lock down closure too. 

So now, you can play a game of "create your own ending" like those kid's adventure books. 
It WILL benefit you to know when to stop, though, for your present AND future. 

Sure, I think that topic of cheating is an indicator. If I had a dollar for every cheating person who said they could change - then proved they couldn't in the next and consecutive (or simultaneous) relationships... I'd be rich! 
We aren't SURE it's a confession... 

Sure people who KNOW a cheater might ask that question of others... could be that HE was cheating with her or thinking about it... that's a fine ending there, 2 cheaters end up together, perfect karma lol. 

As Tony said, usually this topic would come up in the early days, especially to assess compatibility. 

IDK, I doubt that cheaters can change. It takes a specific personality type to be able to betray their partner... for more info have a look at Chump Lady dot com. It's a fantastic site, full of educational material for betrayed partners, with tons of humour in it too. 

Hope you can pop back in to let us know how you're doing! 
EM

[geoff]

Hello James, why would this question be raised if you love someone, because when you do, this would be the last thing to think about, however, the word cheater needs to be explained, does it mean kissing another person, giving them a cuddle or actually having an affair, because only the last one I've mentioned is where the line has been crossed.

Sure people may be able to change, but for how long, what about when the two people have a disagreement or a fight, who are they likely to run to, so perhaps once a cheater may always be a cheater, and secondly, what about when you go to a party, are they going to have eyes for the most attractive person.

If she asks you if your partner has cheated on you, is different when she indicates that it might be her, then it could be a problem.

A cheater will only confess if they are either caught out or tend to feel guilty, so a cheater loses trust in the relationship, and as I've said, why raise this topic if you truly love your partner, although generally it may be bantered wanting to gain trust.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Earth Girl]

Hi James!

I've never been in a relationship before so I don't know much about this sort of thing, but I believe that sometimes, people do change and get better and some don't. I believe there could be a 50/50% chance they may cheat again if they have cheated once. If they have cheated three or more times, then I would find it really hard to trust them and think they will likely cheat again and again.

1. I agree that it comes across as a bit strange that she would randomly ask you this. Were you talking about anything else about relationships that could have made this naturally come into conversation?

2. I've never cheated (it wouldn't be possible because I've never been in a relationship), but I really don't think I would do it and I sometimes ask questions like these just because I find them interesting.

3. There's a possibility, but not a definitely. She could have had someone cheat on her or a friend of hers' could have experienced something like this.

[Fiatlux]

Hi James,

You can never erase cheating in the past. That's why 2 cheaters generally never stay together.

People can change, especially if they truly believe that they have found the 'One' and will never go looking elsewhere.

The problem with cheaters is that they look elsewhere for validation if they are not getting it in their relationship but some cheat (like my husband) for the heck of it. No morals, no conscience, no guilt, no shame, no responsibility and no consequences all the while telling me how wonderful and beautiful I am...

I haven't cheated but I have the opinion that 'cheaters' remain cheaters. I always thought that I would divorce as soon as he cheated, but here I am still married 35 years on. The marriage however ended long ago.

Is she thinking that 'you' could be the 'one' who she may change for?

[Juliet_84]

Hi James,

It is an interesting topic for sure. I don’t necessarily believe things are so black and white, I believe that the reasons people cheat are many-fold and can’t necessarily be distilled down into “once a cheater always a cheater”. For example, I imagine quite a few people in their early 20s, full of hormones and not necessarily thinking long-term, may be more inclined to cheat. But then likely grow out of it as they get older and want to settle down. Or the emotionally starved and long-suffering partner who rarely gets a kind word and feels unappreciated but hasn’t quite found the courage to leave. I’m not saying that it is morally right but just that life is rarely so straightforward. And then there are of course the subset of people who use cheating to fill a hole within themselves, be it the need for adulation, or some other deficit, such as a need to maintain distance with the relationship or self-sabotage. Your ex-girlfriend may be asking for one of two reasons, she enjoys a healthy debate on interesting/perplexing topics (such as myself) or she has a guilty conscience and is looking for absolution. For some reason, you feel that it is the latter. Has she given you any reason to doubt her loyalty?