Is breaking things in an argument normal in a relationship?

[G.P]

About a week ago my partner and I argued about a comment that he’d made about our wedding plans that we had disagreed on. The argument escalated and neither of us could contain our emotions. For him that was punching a hole in the wall. While for me it was howling and crying. We both later realised that it got really out of hand when it didn’t need to. 

A few months prior to that, we were in an argument as I was in a sour mood and my negative energy, wallowing and self-pity got him frustrated. Similarly the argument escalated quickly and he broke the glass of the dining table.

I’m scared to be judged, but is this normal? 

Both of us are at fault here – me for being overly anxious and pessimistic and not seeing beyond myself, which then means he absorbs my energy and doesn’t know what to do with it. And I guess him for not being able to have a handle on his emotions or outlet to let go of the frustration and anger easily. I find that his temper builds up quickly and it can be unnerving. I don't know how we can manage this better, what I should take from these arguments and how to avoid this again.

G.P.

[Sophie_M]

Dear G.P
 
Thank you for posting this evening, we are glad that you continue to reach out, it's good to see.  While you wait to hear from one of our beautiful community members we just thought we would jump in here to offer you some support.
 
While many relationships are fraught with high emotions and conflict, you mention that on this occasion the argument escalated with your partner punching a hole in the wall and you crying.  We thought it might be helpful for you to gain a little more insight into these behaviours by contacting the following support services, and in the event that this pattern of behaviour continues, explore some ways to keep yourself safe in the future:

• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on healthy relationships; 1800 737 732 or you can Chat to them online Click Here
• Relationships Australia’s advice on communication in relationships   

As you know G.P, if ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Please remember you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[G.P]

Thank-you Sophie M, I will look into those services you've suggested.

[Juliet_84]

Hi G.P,

I suppose it’s difficult to answer “what’s normal” as that is a really subjective barometer, what may be normal may not be for someone else. But I think it’s more important to focus on how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel frightened and anxious, then it is worth communicating clearly how that type of behaviour makes you feel and setting clear boundaries around it that you won’t tolerate it in an argument. All couples need to learn healthy conflict resolution and any type of physicality in an argument is a concern and certainly not a healthy way to resolve things. You also don’t want it to escalate over time, from punching a hole in a wall, to destroying your possessions or worse, eventually becoming violent with you. He needs to learn to get a hold of his anger, whether that be deciding that he needs a time out and leaving for a period of time to cool off etc. I would say it’s an orange flag at this stage, not yet red as that will depend on how he deals with this moving forward. Showing remorse after an argument is one thing but changed behaviour is really what you need to see. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi G.P.

I can certainly understand your concern. You’ve had some really great responses, so I won’t repeat. 

I will say, however, that I agree with Juliet that I’d categorise this as an orange flag. But I’d like to add that it might pay to ask your partner to go see his GP, explain the situation and ask the doctor for strategies to help him control his temper. If he’s open to it, you could even go together.

Just by asking him to do this you will be conveying how serious the issue is to you, and hopefully give him a wake up call.

It could be that adding some regular exercise into his life could really help him work off general stress. Or, that he needs to spend some time to identify the point in himself where he just needs to walk away. Could be that if he tells you when this is happening you could help by agreeing to revisit the issue another day. I’m sure the doctor will have better ideas, I’m certainly no expert but I have been married over thirty years.

When we were first married we had some passionate, sometimes heated, disagreements and I can remember doors slamming and even a few dishes being broken on one occasion. But we quickly learned how and when to talk to each other more constructively and these types of disagreements died. It can get better.

There is a regular radio segment on Melbourne ABC radio with Raf Epstein and a professor from Jean Hailes called “Life and Other Catastrophes”. They talk frankly about just about everything that can happen in relationships and I find the honesty and practical advice really helpful, especially when dealing with painful, sometimes embarrassing—yet common—issues. If you have a look I’m sure you’ll find some relevant material that could be useful.

Kind thoughts to you 

[G.P]

Thanks Juliet_84! This is sound advice! We do need to find a way to better manage and resolve our conflicts in a healthy way that isn't harmful. I agree with you that he needs to learn to get a hold of his anger, I've seen it before when it's not directed at me and it can be concerning. Orange flag I think summarises the situation well, it is something to be concerned about that needs to be worked on before it becomes a red flag.

G.P.

[ecomama]

Hey G.P. and welcome to the forums. 

Yeah I see breaking things and punching a HOLE in the wall as a definite Red Flag. This person can't regulate his own emotions, which leads to outright aggression. Total temper tantrums. 
That's ALL on him. 

I see you're taking responsibility (he absorbs my energy) which concerns me even more in this dynamic. It could be seen as enabling behaviours you're developing.  
If he absorbed your energy, he'd be anxious and pessimistic and crying also. 
If a good friend was feeling this way, would you break things and do damage to walls? 
We'd probably listen to their worries, comfort them and be kind, I would anyway. 
But these feelings are all on you, which you've shown to accept responsibility for anyway. 

It's really important that you both seek relationship Counselling because you're not married yet and things usually escalate, which Counselling now, could nip in the bud. 

If he's not willing to attend couples therapy then seeking a Counsellor for yourself would help you a LOT in dealing with your own feelings and knowing which behaviours are out of line on any sides. 

Please phone the wonderful 1800RESPECT helpline, they're really awesome. They can help any time. 
In a nutshell it seems like you want support by sharing your worries (which is normal for a relationship imo) but when you display these to your partner he is triggered and becomes extremely aggressive. 
Perhaps you do need more personal support (perhaps from FOO issues idk?) and perhaps he needs therapy to understand where these triggers stem from in his childhood. 

Best wishes and I hope things resolve and work out for you both, 
EM

[G.P]

Hi ecomama,

Thank-you for sharing your insight and advice, I really appreciate it. You make a good point about looking at the siutation if it were a good friend - it is unlikely that things/items would be broken. But rather a more calmer approach would be best. I agree that we should both seek professional help either together or separately, and think it would benefit to have a third party's insight and help to moderate the conversation. In a nutshell, I'd say that's what it is - "seeking support by sharing your worries (which is normal for a relationship imo) but when you display these to your partner he is triggered and becomes extremely aggressive."

Thanks again,

G.P.

[ecomama]

Hey GP, any time. Hugs. 

The pinnacle point about this dynamic is that if it's not dealt with asap and resolved to where you can both share your concerns with each other calmly, then, over time, "true intimacy" will be eroded away completely. 

Fear, mistrust and anxiety creep in. These are the OPPOSITE of remaining close and having that AWESOME long term relationship you desire. NOT what any of us want for you!

NB: In the process of changing behaviours there WILL be slip ups. This ALWAYS happens. When it does, rejig your compass to get back on the flight path you both want this relationship to take. 
Stephen Covey has a BRILLIANT book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" which I've drawn so much knowledge and guidance from in my family relationships over 30+ years. 

You are both embarking on a journey TOGETHER. Braving the storms and coming out stronger is possible. 

Love EM

[Learn to Fly]

Hi G.P.,

We all get angry from time to time. This is completely normal. It happens. 

The way we deal with anger is a different matter. 

We might say hurtful things that we will regret saying later. We might yell, curse, etc etc We might do all sorts of unwanted things because at a breaking point - we lose control, there is too much steam in the cooking pot and we vent. 
Even if we do lose control and say/do things we might regret saying/doing later, there are some things that we should never be doing. Please understand me here - I am not judging anyone. I am just saying that some behaviours might be so mentally or physically harmful that they should never happen. 
If they do happen, a good start is to talk openly about it. Later on, when both sides are calm and can lead a calm conversation. Can he tell you if these were the only times he has hit something to vent his anger? If this had happened to him before, how did he deal with it in the past? What does he think about this sort of behaviour? 
It's never a bad idea to have a chat to a counsellor and check on yourself. Thankfully these days there ways of learning how to deal with our anger. Recognise the early signs. So we learn how to not lose control and also about healthy ways of dealing with our anger. This is to ensure we don't hurt others (mentally or physically).

It's ok to get angry every now and then. Anger comes with other of our vital emotions. 

But it's not ok to vent our anger on others, especially our loved ones.