Still struggling - covid and lonely

MacusS · ‎26-09-2020

Hi lovely people,

I last posted last year. I was devastated to lose what was my dream gf when we’d parted on good terms but she dumped me as she’s younger and had travel and wanted to work overseas. I was out of a long term relationship and she was too - it just happened but she’s an anxious person who tends to “fly away” if someone wants to commit. I tried hard not to crowd her.

We rekindled after a random run in. I was careful not to crowd her but soon after she was calling me a lot and talking through her day to day challenges. She said when we were apart she missed me a lot and would think of contacting me and would cry to her friends she wanted to call me. She then started slowly pulling away and again she called it quits. This was 8 months ago and I struggle everyday. She said I was so kind to her in her last message. I think about her everyday have a fantastic job but I’m so lonely and I miss her particularly, so much. I thought about contacting work EAP as a start. I have tried exercise, meeting others, keeping busy but I miss her dearly. Can anyone give me any suggestions or hope? Thank you

Sophie_M · ‎26-09-2020

Hey MacusS, thanks for returning here to the Beyond Blue forums. We're sorry to hear about you and your former partner. We know how difficult break-ups can be. It sounds like you are doing a great job of respecting their space and looking after your own mental wellbeing though. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings of loss and hopefully some of them will be able to offer you words of advice. If you feel it would help, we'd recommend that you check out the Reach Out and the Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing website for useful information. We'd suggest the following articles:

Please feel free to reach out here on your thread and keep us updated on what you're feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it.

Nurse_Jenn · ‎27-09-2020

Hi MacusS,

Welcome back to the forum. Your heart sounds so heavy with grief I am sorry you are going through this again. It can be so painful when you care so much for someone and the timing or the circumstances just don't allow it workout. You are not alone. We are listening.

It is a great step to reach out here on the forum and you have been really proactive in doing exercise, keeping busy and using distraction. I think it couldn't hurt to try EAP for some counselling. Sometimes, loss can be really heavy and getting extra support can help.

I suspect that COVID would not be making things any easier in this situation either.

My best suggestion is to take things one day at a time. We can't control the future, or change the past. You had thought you had lost this girl once and she returned. Perhaps she will come back again, or perhaps she will and you will have moved on by then? There are so many different outcomes to think about. Sometimes just focusing on what is right in front of you in the moment can help. There is a practice called Mindfulness that can give your mind a rest and help you keep focused on the here and now. You could try to look it up here on the Beyond Blue webpage or try a great app called Smiling Mind.

If it feels right, keep writing here on the forum. We are here.

Sending you strength.

Nurse Jenn

chloe_xx · ‎28-09-2020

Hi MacusS,

Breakups can be so hard to deal with and go through, especially now during a global pandemic. It is perfectly normal to grieve and miss the relationship you had, that is an important part of growing and learning.

I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason and maybe the relationship wasn't meant to last forever. Relationships teach you to grow and learn more about yourself, you now have the time to focus on your self.

Do you have any pets - they are always good company?

Take care,

Chloe

MacusS · ‎13-02-2023

thank you to all, the pain is still real so I guess I will have to see someone professionally. Yes, it’s over 2 years later and I’ve tried everything to self help. I’m not in a better place unfortunately.

No pets and no ongoing relationship. I’m high functioning so people that know me would be surprised which is why I’m here - the anonymity is comforting. To the outside world I would appear to have little to be upset about. It took me a while to work out if this post still existed on the forums. Anyone who can recommend a therapist based on what I’ve seen who’s good with blokes is welcome. I can wait if they’re good. Thanks all.

Bob_22 · ‎17-02-2023

Hi MacusS,

Sorry it's taken a while for someone to get back to you. Thank you for your story and for updating us 2 years later. I'm sorry to hear that your pain is still lingering and that you still continue to feel alone.

In terms of finding a psychologist it really depends on your area. I found mine through my GP. My GP recommended a few and I went online to google all my options. I found one who was male and a few years older and happened to be a good fit. Generally the wait time was around 6 weeks or so unfortunately. I would recommend asking your GP if they know any in the area. That would be a good starting point.

Out of curiosity, what have you been up to the last two years? What kinds of things have you tried in terms of meeting new people/staying busy?

Bob

MacusS · ‎18-02-2023

thanks for the reply Bob. I did speak to my GP around 2 years ago but never went through with it (seeing a psychologist). My GP isn’t local and I think his reception basically searched by location which I could have done myself. I can go to my GP’s area if they’re good so I’ll ask when I see my GP.

meeting new people and staying busy - things I’ve tried. I workout in a group fitness class 4 days a week without fail, run once a week at parkrun (this is more about staying active and not being couch bound), I also run during the week once in addition to the above - with a friend. I’ve travelled overseas to Europe to “get on with life” and have another Europe trip booked this mid year, so that’ll be twice in 2 years.
In terms of attempts to meet someone : the usual - tinder, and other apps, speed dating and joined a dating agency. I keep in shape and have a good job, I’d say average looking - not Brad Pitt but not ugly. The ex was beautiful, smart, financially savvy and sweet, so the problem for me is no one I meet compares plus I still have feelings for her. To make it worse it was a break up by text and we never really had major disagreements and had a really good connection. She was highly anxious and a commitment phobe-but I felt the positive overwhelmingly outweighed those challenges. I genuinely fear never getting over her in my lifetime. I have had some interest from a couple of girls I’ve met (one at a friends party) but I just dont pursue it as I’m not over her (I obviously don’t tell them this) but they probably think I’m just wanting to be friends - friend zoning them and think I’m cold and polite. It is because I feel like a part of me has died inside no matter what I try to overcome it. Sorry for the long message but hopefully it gives some perspective.

Bob_22 · ‎18-02-2023

Hi MacusS,

Thanks for the reply and update. It sounds like you're doing all the right things in terms of staying social and meeting new people which is great. Unfortunately losing a relationship can take a huge toll and the grief has many shapes and forms. I'm sure once you're able to work through some of your feelings with a counsellor it'll be somewhat easier (though still hard) to process and ultimately continue life. I hope you're able to find a psychologist through online or your GP soon! 🙂

Bob