Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Cinnamonrolls Thinking about reporting my ex to the police, I'm so angry. Fear it may be too late.
  • replies: 3

Hi there. I came here because I don't have much support from others around me regarding my feelings. I also lost most evidence as he smashed multiple phones. I also don't trust police, I've had a few incidents with them and honestly don't have much r... View more

Hi there. I came here because I don't have much support from others around me regarding my feelings. I also lost most evidence as he smashed multiple phones. I also don't trust police, I've had a few incidents with them and honestly don't have much respect for them. When they came to my house for a domestic, they began searching through my belongings and I found that vile and invasive. It didn't seem like it was in my best interest. It made me incredibly uncomfortable so I have avoided them ever since. I don't have anything to hide but I don't appreciate it. I'm a messy person living with severe ADHD & possibly autism and I'm generally embarrassed that I'm messy. Felt like they were judging me for my disability. Don't have specific dates, it's been ages. I am so angry about what happened to me. I just cannot believe it's been nearly 3 years and I'm just as angry if not more. Furious thinking about it. This person is not safe, I genuinely believe he might kill someone one day. It's not fair he gets to live his life when he humiliated me in front of my family. He was 6'3, very bulky person and would often physically abuse me, intimidate me and make me so fearful by saying "This is it, it's worth going to prison for." It resulted in the police being called maybe three or four times. Destroyed my reputation with my family, ruined my job opportunities and attempt of getting a degree. Just got worse and worse as time went on.

Dav67 Wife has left because of my childhood trauma that i didn't recognise until now
  • replies: 16

Having grown up in a migrant household with an abusive father (both physical and psychological), i was not aware that these traumas would manifest in my adult life. My wife of over 30 years has decided to seperate for the time being (although i think... View more

Having grown up in a migrant household with an abusive father (both physical and psychological), i was not aware that these traumas would manifest in my adult life. My wife of over 30 years has decided to seperate for the time being (although i think this could be it). My behaviour over the years was hot and cold. Grumpy and angry for no apparent reason to loving the next. My ignorance to how this impacted on my wife and her mental health is embarrassing. She has tried to love and help me over the years but i found that difficult to accept due to the nature of my trauma . I am currently seeing a psychologist to help with the trauma but i desperately want to be with my wife again. How do i earn her forgiveness?

MiracleBoy21 40 years old, Single mother, Living with parents, Bqd Past ,NO HOPE
  • replies: 4

I am 40 years old, a single mother to a 1 year old boy, live with my Italian parents, and to top it all off. I have no drivers licence. I will admit that I had some trouble with substance abuse, as I am an addict. My issue that I cannot get over is I... View more

I am 40 years old, a single mother to a 1 year old boy, live with my Italian parents, and to top it all off. I have no drivers licence. I will admit that I had some trouble with substance abuse, as I am an addict. My issue that I cannot get over is I feel like I am 15 years old. I am controlled like one. I would like to do so much about it but because of my past actions, I now suffer the repercussions. I love my parents dearly and appreciate everything that is done foe my son and I, but I feel like I am mentally going to have a breakdown, I just having crying episodes instead and I hate feeling this way. My father is 74 year old traditional Italian overprotective and abusive psychologically only when he drinks. My y mum just lashes out. I litrelly don't go anywhere, only if my son has an appointment, my dad takes us, so I'm just home everyday. I have severe depression, anxiety and Borderline personality disorder/substance misuse to self medicate and heal the pain of craving what I always wanted was emotional support and be accepted of who I am, but NO! Till this day I am put down, controlled, spoken to like rubbish. I need some guidance on what to do from here. I need to move out. My son and I. My mental health is be affected severely

catlady67 Struggling six months post break-up
  • replies: 3

6 months ago, my fiance (m, 30) moved out of the house we shared. We'd been together for the majority of the last ten years. We were each other's first loves. We'd gone through a miscarriage together, and we now have a 3 year old son. I get why we br... View more

6 months ago, my fiance (m, 30) moved out of the house we shared. We'd been together for the majority of the last ten years. We were each other's first loves. We'd gone through a miscarriage together, and we now have a 3 year old son. I get why we broke up, I think. He hadn't touched me in over a year (unless it was sexually), stopped saying he loved me. I wasn't a very nice person either. I made fun of his hobbies, and didn't often make the most of the time we would get together. Despite this though - when we're strong, we're unbreakable. We let our egos get in the way and didn't communicate. But. It's been 6 months. I hate coparenting. My son is my world. I want him home every night. I hate this big empty house. I hate having to see my ex a few times a week, and being constantly reminded of him when I look at my son. Lately, my son has had really big issues with being separated from me. He cries and screams for me when his father takes him, or when I take him to daycare. And that's really affecting me. All I want is for the ex to try relationship counselling like he promised, to give our family another chance. So I'm not torn away from my son so often. Being away from him and being home alone three/four nights a week is destroying me. Because of this, I've been trying to talk to him about it. He never, ever replies. I can barely get through an hour without sobbing, I currently have a day-long headache from crying too hard last night. Being a single mum is hard. Being a single mum who has a spinal cord injury is freaking hard. And my pre-existing depression, anxiety and PTSD complicates things more than I'd like. I'm about to go dry my tears and pick up my son... from his father's house. There are thoughts that run through my head multiple times a day that I'm not proud of, that I wished I would never experience. It just sucks.

Mark h Son closes off to my new relationship - Advice Needed
  • replies: 6

Good morning Beyond Blue Community I am writing to ask for advice. I am now completely lost with what to do. I came out of a 20 year marriage 17 months ago now (so Jan 2021) which was a very trying time for all concerned. I have two boys aged 19 & 16... View more

Good morning Beyond Blue Community I am writing to ask for advice. I am now completely lost with what to do. I came out of a 20 year marriage 17 months ago now (so Jan 2021) which was a very trying time for all concerned. I have two boys aged 19 & 16 who struggled to come to terms with their mum & dad separating after so many years. Both boys were living with me at home through last year and I then finally sold and moved out of the family home back in February this year. My eldest son now lives with his partner's parents property and my youngest boy stays with me 4 days a week and with his mum 3 days a week. The week I moved house (first week of Feb), I met a lovely new partner who I have been dating ever since. It was strange how everything aligned, she lives locally, we have the same interests, we just make each other happy and have been seeing each other everyday since. It's the happiest I have been in many years to be honest. Over recent months, both myself and my new partner have decided to commit to each other and get engaged. My youngest son however suffers with massive anxiety and as such hasn't really communicated with my partner even though he says that it isn't her, just the condition he is in. He panics in public spaces, hates crowds and generally doesn't cope well with change. Yesterday, I told him that I was engaged and he has since closed off completely. He won't talk about it and has now gone to his mums to stay. I feel so incredibly guilty that I have upset him but I also feel that my happiness is important and at the end of the day, I am going to be spending the rest of my life with this person. I have told him that nothing has changed. Things will be the same as they are right now and that the marriage side of things won't be until next year but he just is completely shut off. His Mum found a new partner within 3 months of the separation and he moved in within 5 months. I spent all of last year making sure my boys were ok but now that I have my happy back, I just feel that I am not being allowed to make decisions to shape the future I have with this new lady in my life. Any advice you have would be appreciated. I love my boys but I am struggling at this point to know if I have made the right decision by them.

Doberman38 psychologically disturbed online friend
  • replies: 2

Hey everyone. I have a close knit social media friend group (have never met in person) consisting of people from all over the world, and we chat almost every day. Unfortunately, the behaviour of one of my closest friends in the group is becoming incr... View more

Hey everyone. I have a close knit social media friend group (have never met in person) consisting of people from all over the world, and we chat almost every day. Unfortunately, the behaviour of one of my closest friends in the group is becoming increasingly difficult to manage and concerning. He would be fine for long periods, then slip headlong into a very paranoid mindset, perceiving innocuous things as evidence that most people in the group hate him and want to ruin his life. His most concerning behaviour lately has been talking about other people and death, and also his comments about suicide. It's evident he has serious psychological problems, but we're at a loss at how to handle this. We've tried to support him as much as we can and have urged he seek psychological help, but despite him sometimes appearing to be open to this, it's gotten nowhere. The saddest part of all this is how close our friendship is and how fulfilling it is when he's not in such a state. I just really don't know what to do.

Giggyy autistic+struggling to deal with not feeling valued by friends
  • replies: 1

hi, I have autism and I find it really hard to understand the limits of friendships and how they work, as such i am quite clueless and naive in relationships and have been taken advantage of for laughs because of this when i was younger. I am very se... View more

hi, I have autism and I find it really hard to understand the limits of friendships and how they work, as such i am quite clueless and naive in relationships and have been taken advantage of for laughs because of this when i was younger. I am very sensitive to rejection and find it catastrophic mentally, it makes me feel like they never truly cared about me in the first place and that i was tricked. I rationally know that sometimes people cancel because something unexpected happened, however after a situation (a long time ago) where i was lied to by someone repeatedly so that they could purposefully avoid spending time with me i am hypersensitive to rejection. How can I break this thought spiral and believe that my friends actually like me (i believe that they probably do (they're very nice), but my brain tells me otherwise)? i enjoy spending time with them but I can't get close due to this irrational fear, it makes me feel lonely even though i have friends any advice is appreciated, thx

Stunned Infidelity with sex workers
  • replies: 6

my partner and i have been together for over 40 years. We have adult children. Two days ago he discovered a blister on his lip and confessed to me that he was with a sex worker 2 weeks ago, and had visited the same brothel 3 times previously up to 3 ... View more

my partner and i have been together for over 40 years. We have adult children. Two days ago he discovered a blister on his lip and confessed to me that he was with a sex worker 2 weeks ago, and had visited the same brothel 3 times previously up to 3 years ago. He was very remorseful and upset so i comforted him and told him that in the big scheme of things it wasn't a terrible thing, which i believed, and i still honestly think. But emotionally i feel very betrayed, ashamed, embarrassed, confused and i don’t know what to do. I am trying to be objective. I thought if i can be rational about it i might be able to work through it. I researched brothels and found out what the normal procedure is. I asked him for details because I thought it might help me to stop obsessing and guessing about what happened. I found out that the girls in question didn’t follow safe precautions, but at least used condoms. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I just feel broken inside no matter how I try not to overreact

GoodWitch I want to separate from my husband but don't know how
  • replies: 126

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married. I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always be... View more

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married. I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been totally closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me. After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. Then I asked him to read a book I’d found helpful, but he was offended that I was 'picking on him' and very angry about it. He said hurtful things I’ve never been able to forget. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago. He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. I’ve tried to initiate some fun activities for us but we don’t enjoy the same things and neither of us end up having a good time. Intimacy is also a problem. For years I was having sex in order to keep the peace and now I just feel used up, like I’m not even capable of enjoying it anymore. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. It’s been months since I’ve tried and I don't want to again. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him. but the real problem isn't the sex it's the lack of connection. I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to. I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? I only work part time, and I don’t want to move the kids even if I could afford to. And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him. Has anyone been through anything like this? I’m still seeing my own counsellor, but I think it's gotten to the point where more talking about the same issues won't help. I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing. Thank you

bobbie22 Gaining trust back from my partner?
  • replies: 4

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. We met in November when I started working for the same company as him and hit it off straight away. At this point in time I had been on 2 dates with another guy but it was just me putting myself... View more

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. We met in November when I started working for the same company as him and hit it off straight away. At this point in time I had been on 2 dates with another guy but it was just me putting myself out there after lockdown and making the most of being single. A week or so after meeting the guy at work, I had a very out of character weekend - I went home with a guy who I met at a club and we had sex. And then two days later, I went on a 3rd date with the guy mentioned above and had sex with him as well. I felt so gross with myself after doing this. For context, before that weekend, I'd only slept with 2 other guys over 5 years. As I said, it was super out of character for me, but I was single and shrugged it off and tried to forget about it. During this time I was being flirty with the guy at work, having no idea he liked me back. I would talk to my friends about him and how I had the BIGGEST crush, but I wasn't sure what his deal was (if he felt the same, if he was seeing someone else, etc.) I didn’t want to assume. A few days after that weekend, I heard rumours that he liked me back so I messaged that guy I was kind of seeing telling him that I felt no connection and didn’t want to take it any further. We started messaging and he confirmed that he liked me, and then at the work xmas party a few weeks later, we kissed, and after this we became exclusive and started dating straight away.The problem is, I hadn't mentioned those 2 sexual encounters to him until it somehow came up in conversation a few days ago. We try not to bring up exes etc. as it makes us both uneasy so I thought it best not to tell him. Ever since then he has shut me out, saying "needs time to figure this out” and is doubting if he can trust me. He thinks our whole relationship is "built on a foundation of lies" and that he doesn't know who I am anymore - “The you I know wouldn’t have done that.” He says that the moment he saw me he knew I was the one and is upset that we weren’t on the same page for the first few weeks (which we were, I just happened to have an out of character weekend which I now regret).It has been 3 days since he found out and I don't know what to do. He won’t speak to me or meet in person to talk about it. I know I should give him some space but I just want the chance to make things right. Any advice greatly appreciated.