Relationship and family issues

I can't tolerate people but it must be me. What's wrong with me?

replies: 6

Hi all, I find it really hard to tolerate people's behaviour. It affects me greatly & I'm sick of having to "suck it up". When I'm open with those who should support me they will agree with me but then support the other person. Examples = my partner'... View more

Hi all, I find it really hard to tolerate people's behaviour. It affects me greatly & I'm sick of having to "suck it up". When I'm open with those who should support me they will agree with me but then support the other person. Examples = my partner's sis moved in with him & his boys after his divorce. She bought into his house & took over the wife/mother role. I belive to fulfill her life. It's been almost 4 years & I can't tolerate her. She's a nice person all about her, controlling, never gives us space when I'm there & takes advantage of him being People pleaser. She crowds us, listens to our conversations & intertupts/takes over. I've told him how I feel so many times, he says he understands but she'll eventually move out. He admits he can't stand up to her & is like a puppet. I used to work at reception with a woman who constantly does her personal things at work. Online shopping, always on her mobile phone & letting work phone ring out. Others that worked with her all say she's been doing that for 10years & some of us have brought it up with management yet nothing gets done. One of my current colleagues is paid to be a Team Leader. He is hardly around, always has an excuse to leave the office then work from home. He constantly sends work through incorrectly & it goes back & forth several times to get it right. He doesn't understand the systems & always makes up excuses ie his system is slow, he hasn't been there long & still new.. he runs around all puffed out but doing nothing. No one goes to him cos he doesn't know anything & tried to blame me for a big error. He's bluffing his way through. My manager is under pressure cos he offers no support. I've raised it with my manager several times, pointing out issues. She agrees, asks me to keep an eye on him, talks to him, but he continues to do it & get away with it, been doing it for over a year. Today she is pulling him up & telling him to step up but I'm still told some take longer to learn. She agrees he's taking advantage & not fulfilling his role but I'm almost told to go easy while he fluffs around & gets paid more than I. It appears I have too many issues with people. Am I too honest? Too harsh? Are my expectations too high? I cannot deal with people taking advantage of others. It affects me too much. I've come to the conclusion that the issue must be me. Cmf

denied over and over again.

replies: 5

HiWe have been married for almost 16 years, and together for 22 years, have 2 teen children. This "friendship" began about 5 years ago and she is one of his staff. I knew this would be an issue when it first started and told him my concerns only to b... View more

HiWe have been married for almost 16 years, and together for 22 years, have 2 teen children. This "friendship" began about 5 years ago and she is one of his staff. I knew this would be an issue when it first started and told him my concerns only to be met with denial and told that they are just friends. It still didn't feel right. I went to a psychologist to work through my issues as my father had an affair when I was a child. (I'm now over 50). It took me a couple of years of attempting to be ok with the friendship, and seeing a psychologist, before I realised it was ok for me to not feel comfortable with the relationship. Each time I was blamed for not being ok with it, and he said he was lonely and had no friends so needed her. Finally he admitted that he loved her.....they are best friends....but that doesn't replace me. We have been to relationship counsellors, as soon as they mentioned he needed to end the friendship he wanted to stop going. I even found a counsellor he could relate to, but again he said no one is taking his side. 2 weeks ago I found more lies and they flew interstate together. He lied over and over again and still denies they are more than just friends. I am being strong, but I can't believe he is not the person I believed he was. When does this shock end?

Living and coping with a narcissist husband

replies: 7

If you have been reading my posts about how my husband has been treating me, it might sugggest that my husband of 9 years is narcissistic. I recently discovered this word and when I analysed it, I found patterns and behaviours in my husband. The most... View more

If you have been reading my posts about how my husband has been treating me, it might sugggest that my husband of 9 years is narcissistic. I recently discovered this word and when I analysed it, I found patterns and behaviours in my husband. The most recent behaviour I now know is that there is no room for my personal growth. I have not grown in those 9 years through manipulation, fear, fighting constantly, putting insecurities in me by the very person who is supposed to protect me from all my vulnerabilities. we had a really big fight on Tuesday night. I asked why is he still hanging around. Why can’t you leave me alone. Why can’t you go live life and be happy. he said it’s because he made a promise to my mum whiles she was in her death bed. I told him, she’s gone and leave her in peace. now I’m thinking my mum has passed away, it’s been 9 years since she passed away and I’m the one living, alive and breathing. What about the promise you made to me when we exchanged vows. Where’s the love. All the vows are dead, I’m just existing. Not living life. I want to better myself but every time I do that, all my efforts bears no fruit. I don’t get acknowledged, I don’t get validated, I don’t get the thanks, Im not getting anything by staying in this marriage. people would say I live in a Nice house in a nice suburb and I should be grateful. Yet constant fighting, arguing what the hell. I live where I’m not paying rent, nor mortgage nor buying food, medicine etc. I don’t cook, clean or anything. All I do is watch videos, study when I want to, sleep when I’m sleepy. what behaviour are you seeing?

Impossible living arrangement

replies: 7

Hi, my daughter & i planned on moving out together for 18 months. She found a place through a land agent she knew not in an area i wanted but thats not the problem she let an ex move in and hes gradually taking over the place with his junk & his atti... View more

Hi, my daughter & i planned on moving out together for 18 months. She found a place through a land agent she knew not in an area i wanted but thats not the problem she let an ex move in and hes gradually taking over the place with his junk & his attitude. I nokd off yesterday & called her. They had a massive argument she left & called the police so i came home and we had an argument, i told him to leave and he just wont. He told me to just shutup along with many expletives. Hes so rude and entitled. He doesn't work & he treats my daughter like dirt. Tells her shes old (30) and calls her all sorts of things. I can see how effected she is and im scared to leave her alone with him. He just refuses to go,. Its completely mental abuse & hes got a shocking tember. My daughter just looks broken and helpless

Letting go of a friend

replies: 2

Hi all,I have a friend who I tried to help through a dark time last year. They were struggling to find someone to talk to so I reached out and offered to listen. I wasn’t particularly close with this person before I reached out to listen and I found ... View more

Hi all,I have a friend who I tried to help through a dark time last year. They were struggling to find someone to talk to so I reached out and offered to listen. I wasn’t particularly close with this person before I reached out to listen and I found that they would praise me and almost put me on this pedestal of how great I was or successful I’ve become. I found though that my simple act of offering to listen turned into some micro managing conditions on how I should speak to them or how I should listen to them. This I found debilitating. But I did as they asked, after all it’s not about me right? After a few months had past it was clear that this person was relying on me as their crutch. I had to put some boundaries in place as I would wake up to 13 messages and 3 missed calls over night. The boundaries I set where not taken lightly and ultimately the friendship faded. They have tried to ask how things are going and check on every now and then and I reply but as soon as there is some kind of inconvenience or disagreement I get ignored and almost thrown away. I want to let go of this friendship to move past these debilitating feelings of guilt or having the desire for someone to like me. I’m torn as to whether I be honest and upfront about my position and tell them I am letting go? Or I let it play out and slowly withdraw and not reply.

How much is too much to put up with?

replies: 2

My partner and I have been together 16 years and have 3 children (11,7,3) About 1.5 years ago he first showed signed of trouble, initially hiding it well. He increased his alcohol intake substantially and his bahaviour changed (less tolerant, more sh... View more

My partner and I have been together 16 years and have 3 children (11,7,3) About 1.5 years ago he first showed signed of trouble, initially hiding it well. He increased his alcohol intake substantially and his bahaviour changed (less tolerant, more short tempered). Its a long story but he was diagnosed with depression and commence some treatment that was as effective as we hoped and a few months later attempted suicide. As distressing as this was, he was hospitalised for prolonged treatment and was able to finally get some proper help to sort through some issues. He was able to quit alcohol and re focus on the family. This was 6 months ago or more. Since then there has again been a deterioration. I try to understand and support his mental health but I dont know honestly how much we should put up with and how much is deterimental for the kids to be enduring?60% of the time he is a engaged dad, doing dad things. He isnt a super happy guy but he goes through the motions and seems to enjoy the kids company. He certainly verbalises that they are his most important part of his life. 20% of the time he rages, he cannot control his anger and simple things trigger him. He hates if they dont listen to him or follow instructions. He gives no warnings just yells and swears, even at our youngest. **he is never ever physical/violent**20% of the time he finds the family life simple too much and withdraws away to our bedroom. Often much early that he would have ever done previously. He just takes his medications early (they make him drowsy) and he is out for the night, leaving me to do dinner/bedtime routines/tidy/lunches). He did give up alcohol for a long time but has increased his intake again which makes me highly anxious. It always triggers the worst behaviour in him. When I question him on it he gets very defensive and often childlike "I will do what I want"We have been fighting like crazy for 6 weeks. We are both doing counselling (individual and together) and have done couples theray . I worry about the negative effect that witnessing some of both his behaviour and our fights has on our kids. I also dont know when to give up and risk worsening his mental state? How much do I put up with? I want support him but I feel we are living in misery (maybe I am feeling it more than him?) Is there a 'time frame for improvement of PTSD and depression? Thank you

Lack of clarity in relationships

replies: 4

It saddens me to read so many people in relationships that aren't happy because they dont have 100% security with that person. It's in no mans land, not being fully convinced that they are happy or you are fully in love or other feeling is a breeding... View more

It saddens me to read so many people in relationships that aren't happy because they dont have 100% security with that person. It's in no mans land, not being fully convinced that they are happy or you are fully in love or other feeling is a breeding ground for anxiety. What do you do when you are in such a situation? We will go to so many lengths to continue a romantic relationship because "love" has that hold on us. The thought of breaking up from someone you feel you are in love with is fear in itself as you realise love is hard to find and being in love feels like you'll never fall in love that much ever again. I dont think that is true at all. To understand my approach we'll need to seek out what "being in love" means. It is more than affection, sexual chemistry and holding hands, so much more like trust, commitment, quashing any doubts, planning ahead, sharing fears and so on. If one party has mental health problems then the need for clarity rises because that person might display signs of doubt by mere behaviour eg not showing commitment or interest during a period of depression, trying to put up a brave face or being aloof. It is therefore crucial for the one with the restrictions to remind their partner they aren't doing anything wrong and all is ok, "I'm not feeling 100% today, I'm hoping you'll understand". 9 words that could put your partner at ease and that is mandatory if you want to allow your partner to remain at ease. People aren't mind readers. Feed them facts. I'm advocating effective communication regardless of your illness. For the other partner I'm promoting understanding by patience and flexibility for it isnt easy understanding an illness you cannot see. This can all be summed up by being considerate and such consideration must continue forever not just during dating, it should become an automatic response to your partners needs at the time. Seeking clarity by information supply by both parties will always be beneficial. Withholding information fuels doubt and anxiety which is not a sign of a loving and considerate person. What do you think? Are you needing more clarity in your relationship?TonyWK

Partner lying to ATO?

replies: 1

Hello, My ex partner runs his own business. I've just logged onto my ATO acc and it says for a previous finanical year that his business has paid me wages of up to $10,000! Now i was unaware of this. We were together at this time, we had seperate ban... View more

Hello, My ex partner runs his own business. I've just logged onto my ATO acc and it says for a previous finanical year that his business has paid me wages of up to $10,000! Now i was unaware of this. We were together at this time, we had seperate bank accounts and he would transfer me money from his personal acc and his business acc mostly to purchase things for him if he was too busy. Like boots, groceries, sometimes I would withdraw what he had transferred to pay his cleaner. We also have a child together so sometimes it was for his child. Or he would just be being nice and give me $50. Sometimes he would be silly in the description and say "gf allowance" or something sexual. Other times the money was to buy him alcohol. Never had it been discussed that I was employed by his business and it was mostly for him he just wnated me to do the errand for him. Im scared to do that years tax now as I never reported any of that money as I was never aware. Ive tried to speak to him and he is acting like I'm dumb and I dont understand. When I know this feels so wrong and so low. Ive gone back through my bank and checked dates of deposits and have messages showing that he had asked me to buy alcohol or do something for him with his money that was for him. I just need some support, anyone else had a similar experience?

Adult child dealing with alcoholic parent

replies: 2

I am in my mid 20s, parents have just separated and one suffers from poor mental health and is an alcoholic. They don’t believe they have an issue so won’t accept help. Needing some suggestions or guidance as to how best to manage it?

Comparing parental love

replies: 6

I'm guessing it is an old fashioned belief among some mothers that a mothers love is stronger than a fathers love for their child. I can hear my mother now from 3 months after my brother suicided yelling at my father "anyway I'm the mother so I griev... View more

I'm guessing it is an old fashioned belief among some mothers that a mothers love is stronger than a fathers love for their child. I can hear my mother now from 3 months after my brother suicided yelling at my father "anyway I'm the mother so I grieve more". Dad just slowly walked out of the house and I noted his tears before he reached the letterbox. Another example is "well I'm the mother, I gave birth to him so my bond is there forever". Meaning you the father has a temporary bond and it can never be as strong. Also as you didnt give birth you are portrayed as the lesser importance of both parents ... and you always will be in some inflated minds. Most mums value fathers of their kids. In 1996 faced with the dissolving of our 11 year marriage and being mentally abused for that long, 2 young kids and the mere possibility of losing them in my life it led to my one and only attempt on my life. One week later I left with my fathers (dec) words ringing in my head "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all. He was right. I was fortunate to have an ex wife that agreed to every 2nd weekend access but in all other ways she was abrasive and unfair. Asking to take our kids to a parent and teacher night was met with "all that is taken care of" access denied. In some ways I felt like a sperm donor. I knew her attitude as I'd listened to her over the years with comments that supported her attitude that fathers are "providers only"..."protectors if needed" and "handy when a cubby needs building". Most interesting was when our eldest left home at 12yo to live with me (and never left till 21yo), "how dare she leave her mothers home" she cried on the phone. I tried to reason, that it was "our childs choice and I'm as significant as a parent as she is"... then the more pressing matter in her mind "with a child each I suppose child support will stop?". When my eldest reached around 19yo her mother stopped all contact, she simply couldn't live with such rejection. At 26yo I walked my eldest down the aisle and was wondering had I not made it back in 1996 who would walk by my child now? And at that moment my daughter turned to me and said "thanks for making it dad". Ironic. Dads are equal parents. BB helpline 1300224636Dads in Distress 1300 853 437.

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