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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Elizabeth Louise How do you de-escalate an argument with your spouse with children around?
  • replies: 3

I found out that my husband has received advice to take the children away when we have an argument. The problem is, he threatens to take the children away or actually takes them away in the middle of an argument. Normally an argument which he has ins... View more

I found out that my husband has received advice to take the children away when we have an argument. The problem is, he threatens to take the children away or actually takes them away in the middle of an argument. Normally an argument which he has instigated and got angry or defensive to begin with. I simply have just reacted to his reaction.By threatening to take the children away or actually taking them away makes me more angry. Surely there are other ways to protect the children and de-esculate an argument immediately?I realise he's been doing this strategy for the past 2 years since receiving this advice and doesn't realise it's actually making things worse and in some cases even more traumatic for the children. He comes out as the hero or victim and depicts me as the perpetrator because I'm emotional when all of a sudden he's calm even though he was emotionally dystegulated to begin with. How should he defuse or de-escalate an argument without involving the children? EL

_me___ How do I change?
  • replies: 2

Time and time again I have been in relationships but my bipolar disorder gets the best of me, I am on antidepressants and trying to book a counsellor is almost a 2 month wait. I lash out emotionally. I feel as though I have abandonment issues (my bio... View more

Time and time again I have been in relationships but my bipolar disorder gets the best of me, I am on antidepressants and trying to book a counsellor is almost a 2 month wait. I lash out emotionally. I feel as though I have abandonment issues (my biological father left my mum while she was pregnant with me). My step father cheated on my mother with sex workers. I love partners unconditionally but drinking causes me to be irrational. My most recent partner adored me but still left the breakup was a horrible mess I drank a lot the evening he broke up with me, threatened to call the police and was just “crazy” I absolutely loved him though and just cannot understand why I would do those things to someone I love. The look in his eyes like he was resentful of me. I want to know how I can change and stop this cycle. I feel empty, lost and so lonely.

daisyqueen Ending a relationship?
  • replies: 15

How do I know when to end a relationship?I know by asking that question it’s probably a good indication but I’m just so confused. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years.. and there have always been issues with us. These are with his family getting inv... View more

How do I know when to end a relationship?I know by asking that question it’s probably a good indication but I’m just so confused. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years.. and there have always been issues with us. These are with his family getting involved, us hurting each other, him lying to me, not listening to either one, him not being honest about finances. Lately things have just reached a boiling point. I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared to end it and make a mistake, I’m scared to not have his support financially. I know that sounds wrong but it’s just how I feel.

Chrissy264 Living with an Alcoholic Spouse
  • replies: 2

HiMy husband has always been a drinker, but the past 2 years or more he is really drinking a lot more. Yesterday he came home from work at 4pm and by 6pm he had passed out in the chair, he drunk 1 litre of red wine, 3 cans of beer and numerous shot g... View more

HiMy husband has always been a drinker, but the past 2 years or more he is really drinking a lot more. Yesterday he came home from work at 4pm and by 6pm he had passed out in the chair, he drunk 1 litre of red wine, 3 cans of beer and numerous shot glasses of whiskey. He passes out for around an hour and starts again. He is verbally abusive to me, he knows I suffer from my mental health, plus I care for my elderly Mum who has dementia. But his words are always "you are sick in the head, do us a favour go and live with you Mum" he is so good that he makes it out like I'm the bad person and I think I am . We have been together over 27 years, he has promised on numerous occasions to either cut down or stop he knows he is an alcoholic, our grown up kids have even tried talking to him but nothing, he is never verbally abusive to them, it is just myself.I cry myself to sleep every night, my sleep is really broken, as I'm also listening out as he gets up, mostly sleep walking and falls over, I'm scared that he might hit his head on something.I have no one to talk to about this as I feel really embarrassed that I live this life. I am not strong enough to leave him, plus I have 2 dogs and I couldn't afford to rent anywhere.

bh75 Need advice!
  • replies: 1

So I’m 20yrs old and I’ve just house sat for a couple months elsewhere. (live with my parents). Before I started house sitting my parents mainly my mother and I would constantly argue and it would get quite toxic. It’s started to get to my head. My m... View more

So I’m 20yrs old and I’ve just house sat for a couple months elsewhere. (live with my parents). Before I started house sitting my parents mainly my mother and I would constantly argue and it would get quite toxic. It’s started to get to my head. My mother and I haven’t gotten along for a while. I didn’t contact them a lot while house sitting, so then they came to me and said to not return back home for a month before I go overseas for 5 weeks on a holiday. so I planned on staying with pretty much my second family. Then the next day my mother called me and acted like nothing happened and said that if we sort it out (how we don’t get along) then I can come back. But I don’t want to go back before I go away for my holiday. I don’t get along with my mother due to all the arguments she blames everything on everyone else, especially me. Then I’ll say how she said certain things and she will turn around and said that she didn’t and that I misunderstood. I know that if I tell them I don’t want to come back she will lose it and it’s going to turn into another fight.Any suggestions would be great

Jaco8n Moving on from abusive relationships.
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I wanted to share a story. I was in a toxic relationship from which I escaped last year. My ex-partner would use 'softer' forms of bullying and coercive control to influence my thinking. I was at the end of my rope - actually considering su... View more

Hi there, I wanted to share a story. I was in a toxic relationship from which I escaped last year. My ex-partner would use 'softer' forms of bullying and coercive control to influence my thinking. I was at the end of my rope - actually considering suicide as a means of getting away from her - I quietly packed a bag and ran away one day. I sought treatment at a mental health hospital to regain my bearings, and fast forwarding in time, I have met the love of my life who I believe is the right woman to marry. We've been happily together for 12 months now and I couldn't imagine life without her. But ever since escaping my ex relationship, my ex has been harassing me with legal threats to take my money away from me (she already kept the car and my beloved pet cat). I try to stay resilient and not buy into thoughts of anger and resentment. I have banned all communication (except through lawyers). I still lose sleep at night, and spend hours of my days worrying over what my ex may be plotting or saying about me. I really just want to move on and be happy in my new life, but something keeps dragging me back to the past. I judge myself harshly when I get stuck in this trap; thinking "how can you be in love with someone and still be thinking this much about your ex?", "how pathetic you are.". I want to be free - can anyone relate?

guardedgirl01 Possible "Daddy Issues"
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone,I've never done something like this but I love to quote on quote "trauma dump" sometimes, so, here we go!I have noticed that I have issues with intimacy sometimes, as well as commitment. I will get close to someone who I have feelings for... View more

Hi everyone,I've never done something like this but I love to quote on quote "trauma dump" sometimes, so, here we go!I have noticed that I have issues with intimacy sometimes, as well as commitment. I will get close to someone who I have feelings for, and I know they have feelings for me, but for some reason I can not get closer in regards to having an actual relationship with this person. I shut myself off and ultimately end up hurting them and feeling very guilty about doing so afterwards. I find myself only searching for non-committal relationships in which I can have an emotional attachment to someone without the strings attached to a relationship. This has ultimately caused me to have low self-esteem and values towards myself, I find myself thinking very depressive and anxious thoughts most of the time. I recently got diagnosed with anxiety/depression and have started a daily medication as well as therapy sessions. This has been going well for me so far, and I feel as if I have started to get the help I need. My father cheated on my mother when I was 15 with our neighbour, who was also kind of like an influential mother figure in my life from the time I was born - we had lived in that street for 15 years of my life. He broke up with my mother and still continues to be in a relationship with the neighbour he cheated with. I have had periods of time in which I do not speak to my father because he can say some pretty hurtful things to me sometimes and I can not seem to get over the fact that he cheated on my mum with someone who I trusted as well. I do not speak to the neighbour anymore, even though apparently she wants a relationship with my sister and I - but has never reached out to us or been kind to us in public. I am just starting to think about my relationship with my father and how it could possibly be affecting my life in regards to trusting people I care about and seeking the healthy kinds of relationships I ultimately do want in the end. I am struggling with self-worth and opening myself up to new people, and how to get out of this stage of my life in which I am actively seeking out unhealthy relationships for myself. Thank you for listening to my TED talk, and any advice or messages would be greatly appreciated!

Waffle- Moving out of home for the first(?) time to escape abusive family
  • replies: 2

My living situation at home with my family has always been difficult. After talking to friends and doing some research, I recently discovered that it's more than that. My situation fits the definition of "domestic violence". Due to health problems, I... View more

My living situation at home with my family has always been difficult. After talking to friends and doing some research, I recently discovered that it's more than that. My situation fits the definition of "domestic violence". Due to health problems, I never managed to move out of home by myself, despite how much I wanted to. The only time I managed to move was for work, where my accommodation was arranged for me as part of my job. I recently had to quit my job due to health problems. My family was supportive of me coming back to live with them. While they were kind to me at first, they've already gone back to their own ways.The stress is so bad that in my current state, I can barely get anything done. I need to deal with my health, go out and make new friends, and search for a new job. But with all the abuse, I've come to a complete standstill. I'm researching places to rent so that I can move out of home by myself. I know based on past experience with work that I can live on my own, and thrive in that environment. It's not ideal to move out before having a job lined up. But I'm desperate to get out of my current situation. I have a lot of doubts. I feel like I'm incapable of moving out, even though I successfully lived on my own for years. I don't know if I'm making the right decision, or what people would think of me if they knew I was doing something so drastic. I feel ashamed that I don't have friends to move out with together, since that's far cheaper and what all of my friends did. The abuse from my family feeds into my doubts. I don't know anymore. All I can think is how much easier this would be with friends who know what they're doing. I'm looking for support and advice.

angrylozenger Little revolution for me but also a problem
  • replies: 1

So the problem in my (20F) relationship with my boyfriend (23M) was the fact that he occasionally vapes with friends. I told him how deathlily worried i am about it (twice) and strongly discourage it and said how I felt and one thing was about how it... View more

So the problem in my (20F) relationship with my boyfriend (23M) was the fact that he occasionally vapes with friends. I told him how deathlily worried i am about it (twice) and strongly discourage it and said how I felt and one thing was about how it's on the boarder line of addiction - he took it in and couldn't say confidently that he would stop doing it all together (he has two minds about it) but addressed what addiction actually meant (I've never been through it) because he's been through it with things that are worse. It put in perspective about how frequency and dosage matters. And explained how it can be enjoyed every hour and then rather than it being a requirement for the body. I'm still concerned about short term and long term effects that it can still have on his body though... Revelation was just what addiction means and how this isn't the case for him. But are there any ways I can cope with this? I've been struggling to accept it (the fact he does it occasionally and how worried about his health) for so long and I'm not quite sure how to go about it. Is frequency really key here?

ceb76 Husband of 18 years has left
  • replies: 4

Hi I’m really struggling at the moment aster my husband of 18 years dropped a few bombshells on me about 7 weeks ago. We have gone backwards and forwards for 7 weeks and he has seen a psychologist and has told me he has some major childhood trauma to... View more

Hi I’m really struggling at the moment aster my husband of 18 years dropped a few bombshells on me about 7 weeks ago. We have gone backwards and forwards for 7 weeks and he has seen a psychologist and has told me he has some major childhood trauma to work through. He wants to separate while he does this and has left our house, split our finances and does not want contact from me for a coupleof weeks. He says he is hopeful of working things out but needs some space. I am gutted as at first he told me of a few issues in the marriage I had no idea about and when I pointed out that issues he has were there before we got married he took that on board. But still he has said some horrible things to me and now tells me it isn’t in fact about me… it’s about him and he needs to work out those issues away from me. I feel totally rejected and excised from his life and cannot eat sleep or work. My legs and arms tingle I am obsessing over what he is doing I am worried about my future. I am worried about him.