mutual breakup with kids involved

[G93]

Have recently split with my partner of the last 3 years,

we were much inseparable from the day we first met.

really struggling to cope with moving on after the separation,

we got together and for the first 12 months things were great, there was so much love, affection, sex and adventure, it was pure honeymoon stage that felt like it as never gonna end,

then she got pregnant,

everything changed,

I had previously had a child with another lady who I have always had 50/50 care of, so from the moment we found out, my ex would constantly tell me that I wasn’t excited enough and that I’m ruining her excitement.

for the rest of the pregnancy basically it was horror, we were getting along, she was very nasty,

and I went into a full anxious state for the best part of 7-8 months,

Once our little boy was born, things changed,

they started improving,

She would constantly apologise to me about how she was when she was pregnant, 

but there was always one issue that she would bring up saying I care about my daughter more than I do our son,

When my son was about 6 months old things started really deteriorating again, to the point we wouldn’t have sex, wouldn’t cuddle, wouldn’t even talk, and when we did it was usually an argument.

we had the odd drunken nights where it was almost like a one night stand with each other because as quick as the day changed the mood would go back to how it was.

While we were together she was very open with her phone, she would leave it face up and let me use it to change chrome cast etc, 

then about 2 months ago it changed completely, it was always covered, always in her pocket, if I wanted to change a song while driving or a movie she would have to do it, felt very much like she was hiding something, yet she is in full denial, 

we got to a point about 3 weeks ago where we had a very emotional argument and threatened break up, but we ended up making up and having sex and things were good,

then 2 days later things weren’t any good and so we mutually agreed to split,

now we have split, I have both my kids 50/50,

I found out last night she had another guy over, I know it’s not wrong on her behalf but I just feel like my hearts been tore into two,

And I’m really struggling to remember how bad it was so that I can remind myself it’s the right decision to break up, 

I don’t know what I’m asking for, I just really needed the vent. 
mum not suicidal or depressed,
Im just very sad, and feeling very lonely, and I’m not sure how to cope with it. 

[white knight]

Hi G93, welcome

Gee, brings back memories and I'm sorry you are enduring this most difficult time. So briefly, been in a similar situation with a narcissistic lazy partner, 2 kids 7 and 4yo now grown up. Also prior to her and after her had 2 long term relationships. Am happily married now for 12 years.

I think what you are asking for is vilification and reassurance. I mean you now have two kids, different mothers and there will be complexities with arranging visitations and communication with them considering the perfect world of one life long partner etc. 

Prior to my separation in 1996 my father knew we had issues. He passed in 1992 but before he did he said "better to strive to be the best part time dad than no dad at all". He knew I was battling emotionally and one week prior to separation my world collapsed, I recalled his words and that saved me. I left and had partial custody, visits every second weekend. At 12yo my eldest came to live with me and I then realised she did so because she was being treated as I had been. 

Now to you. Well I seems pretty clear to me that you had been a partner pleaser and she had, for whatever reason gone off on a tangent that was in effect destructive in result. I wouldnt ignore your gut feelings from the secrecy of her mobile phone and the see-saw of the moods and relationship ebb and flow. 

This early separationis a deep form of grief. Your mind will play tricks on you from the doubt about your own decisions, guilt from how you could have done things better etc. Dont be fooled by that, you couldnt do anything to save this situation and if you reunited after a short time you'd realise it was pointless.

So the best thing for you is to embrace the better things that are right there in your single life- your kids, dating when ready, friendships, hobbies, sport, interests... Getting to know yourself fully, your needs and your boundaries. A goal of friendship with ex partners is a good one but that takes two. eg My ex kept treating me poorly for the 14 years I endured any communication. When the youngest reached 18yo I told my ex to never contact me again- ever!!. She hasnt

Your interests, what you are good at, throw yourself into those activities because distraction is a marvel.

A couple of threads for you to ponder.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[G93]

Thank you Tony,

Great words, I suppose you are right, I do feel like I have a huge void from the situation,

but I definitely care more for my kiddos who I have both week on week off at the same time! 

mill keep doing what I’m doing, I have started gym full time now, and I’m trying to look after myself better as a whole, so that I can be the best person that I can be for my kids!