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Move out or stay?

helpmepls
Community Member

Hello everyone,

i dont really know what to say to start this ah, but I’ll try my best to explain, bare with me please aha.

Okay so in August last year my parents decided to seperate, and since day one my father decided to move out. After a week he moved in with his new partner and has tried to introduce us from then, even till now. It all started out friendly and was obviously emotional but after two months or so, it started getting quite verbally and mentally abusive towards me, my mum and my little brother.

However, roughly 8 months have passed since it first happened and my relationship with my father has completely gone away (was rocky when he was here) and my mum has not been the same. My mum and I used to be extremely close, and over the past 2-4 months it’s been quite difficult for me to be around her and in my house.

Sidenote, both me and my brother suffer from depression and anxiety, both have different levels. So the separation of my parents hit my brother a lot harder than it hit me, as I’m older and saw it coming.

My mum has been very focused on my brother (which is fine, I get it) but she’s comepletly lost the contact we had before all of this and it’s really effecting me a lot. I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore and when I do it turns out to be a fight. She has started to focus on him for the positive things, whereas, for me she’s focusing on the negative. I have often not done my house jobs when I need to as my brother has not done his job, and I know I could just do it but it’s just everyday. So I get yelled at for not doing mine but he just gets a ‘slap on the wrist’. It’s also not just that, he’s getting away with things that me and my older brother would never have gotten away with at his age, even if we were in the same situation.

My thing right now, is that I have been offered a cheap share house to move into with my boyfriend (already live with him) instead of being at home around negativity. At this moment I can’t stand being in this house anymore as it’s all so negative, I feel like I can’t talk to my mum or my brother anymore and it’s causing my depression to excel and my anxiety to get worse. If I do move into the house I can come back to my current house on weekends and can pull out at anytime, it would be easier for uni and everything else.

do I move out and see how it goes? Or do I stay at put up with everything and potentially get worse mentally?

5 Replies 5

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi helpmepls

Welcome to the forums! We are glad to have you here.

so first, the anxiety and depression. How long has it been going on? I have both as well, they really suck don't they. But off topic but I just came out if a depressive session that lasted about 3-4 days, it was horrible.

okay, so, to move out or to stay? I'd say first, consider all your options. So there is

  1. Boyfriends house
  2. mums house
  3. Dad and new partners house? Would you be welcome there? Would you feel comfortable living there? Just a thought to consider, even though you say the relationship is non existent.

if you feel that living with your boyfriend is easier and better for your mental health, then I think that's the way to go. Go with your gut. Do what feels right. No one has the right to judge the decisions you make. Not even your parents. But I wouldn't want the decision you make to impact too largely on your mum. She's lost your father, and then she'll lose you, if only for a little and not permanently. Even though she hasn't been the nicest to you lately, she still loves you. It might not be the right decision to move out just yet. I'm not really sure to be honest.

And then there is your brother. How close are you? How much will you moving out affect him and his mental health problems?

Whatever you do will be a big decision. And just remember there is no right or wrong.

hope you are feeling okay tonight. Know that we here will listen to you and not judge you. Please feel completely comfortable talking to us. We know what you are dealing with.

chloe x

I definitely don’t want to move into my fathers house as I haven’t seen his since last year and we aren’t on good terms.

i would leave this house in good terms with my mum and return every weekend. Yeah I get all that and we speak about it, however, i feel like I need to put myself first this year as I’m first year uni and it’s kinda tough.

im not really close with him anymore but would also speak to him about it before hand.

thank you so much x

Dear Helpme

Hello and a warm welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story.

Marital separations are difficult I know. I left my husband 18 years ago. My children had grown up and left home. My son has had a difficult separation and has now found a new partner. Two of his children are young and it gets quite difficult with the parents being angry with other. It's not a nice situation but then the situation may be worse if parents stayed together. We can only do what we can do.

Unfortunately the dynamics of a family change when parents separate and often become a sort of war zone with each side trying to justify themselves. And of course some of that rubs off onto others such as children. Please remember this is a decision made by your parents, not you, and the hurt they receive and their subsequent actions are to do with that break up.

It's lovely that you had a close relationship with your mom and it is sad when that falls away a little. I wonder if this would have happened to some extent even if your parents had stayed together. You are getting older and now going to uni. Your friends are different as well as your responsibilities. I think mom may have slipped into the background a little in any case.

Moving out of home or not really is your decision and I can understand your hesitancy. I'm a bit like that deciding whether or not to have some surgery. I think you have some good reasons for moving out. Being a uni student is hard work I found, even though there is a myth that students only party all day and night.

I think you have narrowed down the options to staying at home or moving in with your BF. How do you go living together? Do you argue much, share the chores,support each other, communicate well? If you move out you can always return or return as you said on the weekend. It sounds like a good option. You can concentrate on your studies and assignments without background noise and be part of the family at weekends. Why not try it? If there is nothing to stop you leaving whenever you want to, e.g. a contract, then what have you got to lose.

If you are comfortable living in a separate home with your BF, then go with what your body says. You have left the door open at homes so can return at any time. Have a good heart to heart with mom before you go and tell her you need space and quiet to complete your assignments.

I am looking forward to reading your decidion.

Mary

Yeah I know, it’s all really hard aha.

well my boyfriend and I have been living together for probably like 5-6ish months, and we work really well together I think and we are both happy.

Yeah that’s what I thought, I’ve sent her a long message explaining stuff that would happen and hopefully it’s the start of something (I work better over text then in person aha)

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi helpmepls,

its great to see that you have taken steps to tell your mum about moving in with your bf. If you and him work well and you don't have many problems then I think that's the best way to go. But the choice is ultimately yours and yours only.

being able to come home as well whenever is a bonus in case something happens, or you just miss home.

Looking forward to see how this goes,

chloe 🙂