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Married and in love with someone else

Lookingforpeace
Community Member

Hi all

I don't know where else to go with this, but I feel like my current situation is eating me up and I'm so tired of it.

Long story so please bear with me.

I recently rekindled a friendship with my first love. We are both married and have admitted our feelings for each other. He has told me he is insanely in love with me. We tried cutting things off in order to work on our respective marriages but that only lasted about a month. If anything, I felt even more depressed during the time we weren't talking, like something significant was missing in my life.

I am so unhappy in my marriage and sick and tired. Sick and tired of us just not "clicking", living like room mates and feeling like there is no emotional or physical connection. He is more like my best friend, which some people say is essential to a marriage but then why do I feel like it's not enough? My husband is a great guy and he is the first person I go to for advice and support with my mental health. I'm not even sure if I could get the same thing from this other guy. I feel so selfish and like a bad person for feeling this way.

I have been questioning whether I am just infatuated with the other guy. I truly am blind when it comes to him, and feel like he is a drug. When I see him I'm on a high, which lasts for a few hours/days, then I crash. Can infatuation turn into long lasting love I wonder... I have never felt this way about anyone before, not even my husband. I was in my mid-20s when I married him and he was my first. I fee like I should have gotten more life experience before making a decision like that. At the time though, I'd been broken hearted and decided that truly being in love only led to heartache and instead I would marry someone that ticked the boxes. 

Yes I have thought about leaving my husband. But I'm terrified about the logistics aswell as the perception of me especially by my conservative family. Also I have had moderate-severe anxiety and depression for about a year now and not sure if a separation would be the best thing right now. Having said that, a lot of my anxiety and depression has stemmed from being in an unhappy marriage so.... Chicken or the egg I suppose.

i feel like I just want someone to tell me what to do! But in the meantime, any advice or relatable experiences would be so so appreciated.

11 Replies 11

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Lookingforpeace, it sounds like you feel you're going round in circles like this, I wonder whether it's worth actually making a Pros and Cons list on either side of a piece of paper so you can see the potential consequences of leaving vs staying in black and white in front of you.  It may not help a great deal, but writing it out in that way may help you see that one side is more weighted than the other.

I can relate to getting married young, I did the same and we are no longer together. I loved him very much, but throughout our marriage I had a few infatuations that are exactly as you describe above.  I know that noneo f mine would have worked out, and in hindsight I can see that it was more of a dissatisfaction with my life rather than an attraction to the other man that was mixing me up.  

Maybe you need to try being separated for a while and see what being single feels like?

Hi Jess

thank you so much for your reply.

Can I ask - were you in a long term relationship after your first husband and did you ever experience infatuations again during that relationship?

 Also, though you loved your first husband, how did you find strength to leave despite that? I too love and care for my husband very much and don't want to hurt him or ruin his ideas of the life we thought we would have.

I feel that you may have hit the nail on the head when you said it may have been more of a dissatisfaction with life that was spurring the infatuations. Although I also can't help but wonder whether it just might work out with this other guy. We are so alike and connect on a level I've never experienced before.

thanks for the advice.

I'm yet to be in another long-term relationship, but the relationships I have been in since have started to evolve. The relationships I chose not long after the marriage were unhealthy choices based around the types of men I had been infatuated with up till that point.  based on my experiences, I would take some time to ask yourself, do you have as much in common with this other man as you think you do? I think we can in these situations have a bit of 'confirmation bias' happening - we only recognise the similarities, and choose toignore the potential red flags.  Maybe they are worth a pros and cons list too!  That's why I suggest that being single for a time could be the best idea.  I don't think it's ever a good idea to jump straight into a new relationship out of an old one.

How did I find the strength to leave? Well, we actually danced around it for the best part of a year. I announced that I was going to leave, but I don't think he took it seriously until the day I actually did.  I think I finally realised that any reasons I had for staying were based in the past and not in how things actually were in the prsent, or could bei n the future.  The end of a relationship is a lot like grief, I think, with the difference being that the death of a person forces you to move on, whereas in a relationship breakdown you can delude yourself into thinking that there is still a chance for things to be like they were.

 

pipsy
Community Member

Dear Lookingforpeace.  Can I ask you something?  Did you feel the same 'rush' with your husband when you first met him as you did with your first love?  I too rekindled (twice) with my first boyfriend.  I think it's true that we never forget our first love.  However, reality check.  If you were to 'go back' to first love, how long would it be before you realized he really isn't what you remembered.  My first boyfriend too was my first 'true' love.  I was 15, he was 17.  You can't stay 'young' forever.  Your husband has been there for you, you said yourself.  I think you should give your marriage another 'go'.  From what you say, I feel it is infatuation.  Why did you and first love split?  Maybe it's just a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence.  Once you get there, permanently, it isn't so green. 

Think about what you have and how much you'll lose.  Affairs sound 'peaches and cream' in theory, but the hurt you cause, is it worth it?  If you did leave and go with boyfriend, how long before the original reason you split rears it's head again? 

I nearly broke up my marriage for first boyfriend, too.  Glad I sent him packing.  He simply wasn't worth it. 

Please think carefully before you wreck what you have. 

 

Hi Pipsy

Thank you for your reply. It's nice to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation. I hope I can come out of it the way you did - what seems like with clarity and knowing you made the right decision. At the moment though I just feel very confused. I don't want to lose my husband, but this whole experience has made me realise it may be possible to love more than one person. 

I'm trying to remind myself that things have worked out the way they have for a reason, but it's hard to get comfort from that when I don't know what the reason is. My first boyfriend and I broke up for immature reasons, I was 14 and he was 16. We were children. Getting to know him again is making me fall in love again. We have the history but on top of that we are so alike and I feel such a strong connection. I feel happy when I'm with him. I wish I didn't get my happiness from being with other people, but I do, and I am happy with him.

I KNOW what the right thing to do is. I KNOW I'm acting out of character and my feelings may just be of infatuation. But I still can't help myself.

Hi Lookingforpeace.  I can't help but feel you and first boyfriend only have a connection because of past.  That's normal.  As I asked previously, when you first met hubby, what did you feel, was it the same 'rush'.  Try comparing boyfriend to hubby.  Would boyfriend have 'been there' if you needed him?  Hubby was, you said yourself.   I would suggest you distance yourself from boyfriend for a time, see how you feel.  Try and recapture what you and hubby had.  Maybe a time away with hubby.  I think you're 'in love' with a memory.  I know when I reconnected with boyfriend it was because of him being first love.  I see Jess has suggested a trial separation from hubby, maybe you should think about that. 

Please don't do anything hastily.  There are two important lives here, you and hubby.  Why did bf's marriage break up?  You said his marriage broke up. 

Hi Pipsy

Yes I think you might be right. When I get space from both my husband and boyfriend, I feel quite certain that I should stay in my marriage and cut things off with the boyfriend. But then I talk to him again and I'm back to square one.

No I didn't get the same rush with my now husband. We started off as friends and it was definitely more of a "slow burn". I do love him, but it's a different kind of love. More of a steady companionship.

Boyfriend is still married, just to complicate things further. He is unhappy in his marriage and doesn't seem to want to work on it but hasn't indicated he is leaving either. This of course just confirms that the whole situation is wrong.

Ok so I know I should cut things off with boyfriend. How do I do that when we both have these feelings? Like I said, we tried for about a month and it was agonising. I want him in my life but also realise he can't be without other people, and ourselves, getting hurt.

Hi Lookingforpeace.  Sorry about what I'm going to say, but can't help thinking bf just wants a 'bit on the side'.  He's still married, claims he's unhappy, that's the oldest con in the books.  'My wife doesn't understand me'.  He wants his cake and eat it too.  Bet if you spoke to his wife, she wouldn't know anything about it.  What's your hubby done that's so wrong?    You have a mature relationship with hubby, you want to give all you've worked so hard for away, on a whim.  Do you know any of bf's mates, bet if you spoke to them, they'd confirm what I said, he's wanting his cake and eat it too.  Walk away before anyone else gets hurt.  If you did go with him, how long before he does the same thing to you.  He's got a 'roving eye'.  Put him in your 'memory' box, remember the good fun of your youth, but don't wreck a good, stable marriage on a memory.  Good marriages are hard to get.   

Sarah-90210
Community Member

Hi LookingforPeace, I am only new to this website, and I realise this post is now quite old, but I was wondering how everything ended up going for you? I found myself in an almost identical situation.

I am only at the beginning of my journey though and it's been tough!