Lonely, lost and in need of some help
I need some help. I live interstate, all my family live in Sydney. I have two friends here, one of which is having a baby and at times i feel used by her. I am in a job which i find isolating and because i travel so much, i have found it very difficult to make friends and find a solid ground in Perth. I need to make changes in my life - and I am aware of this...
I am in a relationship with a man who is 13 years my senior, we have been together for about 9 months. I know he loves me, and has told me a million times he would marry me. I want these things so badly too - just not with him. He has made me feel like he is all i have, and although i have removed myself from him many times he always finds a way back in…perhaps because i feel like he is all i have. When he calls or asks me to do something - i say yes and let him back in. I think he manipulates my kind heartedness and my caring nature. He has turned up at my work a few times unannounced, has turned up at my house, one time made me feel like he would hurt me yet makes me feel happy when i am with him because i have someone to be with and hang out with.
I was at dinner with him the other night, and a few of his friends were there, and i looked around and felt sad because i thought this is not my life. This is not me and i cannot be around older men .. 50 + for the rest of my life.
He has not helped me in Perth with finding friends, and has not introduced me to anyone or anything here. I feel increasingly isolated and alone. When family or friends come to visit me he is unhappy about this and makes me feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than himself.
I need help to find myself again,i have lost my spark and my light. No one understands and i feel like i have nothing.
my thoughts are irrational, i know I am so lucky and blessed and i need to let him go but i am scared.
Any thoughts and advice i would love.x
Hi Cleo, and Welcome.
You don't sound irrational to me. Everything you said made sense. I have been in a similar relationship. It is impossible to make a break when you are in this situation. You sound as if you know you don't want to be with him. Obviously, he doesn't want to accept this and is taking advantage of your vulnerability being so far from your family. It is not acceptable really, but I doubt it will change. Have you considered moving back to Sydney. I don't know all of your story, but with what you have said, it sounds as if this would worth thinking about.
Your are not happy in your job, you friend in Perth does not appreciate you, your (ex)partner won't leave you alone to find your own way. It seems you have many reasons to leave Perth. You say you are aware that you must make changes in your life...if it were me I would up sticks and get back to Sydney. It may be easier to organise everything and just go without telling anyone what you are doing. Especially you ex. That way you may make a clean break and will be able to start the next chapter of your life.
with best wishes, Lee x
Well, Lee has basically said it all and given you a feasible option to consider.
You seem to me to be in a typical abusive relationship. Abusive does not necessarily mean physical violence although you did say one time made me feel like he would hurt me.
The abuse is the unequal relationship. He is controlling you , you are his possession and from his attitude there to please him and attend to his needs. A servant or slave.
It is in his interest for you to be isolated and alone and thus dependent on him for all human needs, again you say makes me feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than himself. Family or friends are a threat to him.
Unfortunately there are some people in life who need another to devote themselves entirely to them and instinctively know how to push all the buttons to make it happen. Notice I say need.
There is no way this is ever going to be an equal partnership, nor a happy integration with your family and friends.
Your spark or light is going out because you are making yourself less a person, more a possession. Time for you to change matters.
Poorly matched job, no true friends, toxic relationship and increasing isolation in the west; family and a fresh start in the east. You want the love and sharing of a marriage, perhaps there.
Feel free to say if I've missed the point - what do you really think?
Sorry to hear about your friend and relationship problems. I myself live in a different state to my mum and I have recently moved states, so I know how difficult it is to make new friends and you partner doesn't sound like he is helping.
As hard as this sounds, I think you should be upfront and honest with your friend and partner. You should let them know how you feel. You should ask your partner (if you still want to be with him) to introduce you to his friends and to introduce you to his network. If he is not willing to do this then him saying he wants to marry you isn't showing through his actions. If he doesn't want to it is a big red light to your relationship. He should make you feel welcome with his friends and make sure you are comfortable in a big group situation. Also with your friends you should tell them how you feel and how your feel used by them. I suggest you right a list of all the things you feel like they use you for or issues you have with them. I have started being more upfront with my friend. Now I'm not staying you be too frank and offensive. Just tell them how you feel, this may require some easing into the conversation. I have found it has strengthened my friendship and it has made me feel more valued as a friend and more confident as a person.
When I moved states for the first time I met people through uni and through my student accomodation. When I moved to Brisbane (my most recent move) I met a close friend at the gym. We kept bumping into each other at the gym. We later became gym buddies and friends from there. I also moved into a share house and have become friends with my housemate and have hung out with him and his friends. It is hard to make friends but being open to meeting people is the first step. I also have met friends through work. Try go to work functions and events and see how it goes.
I hopeI have gotten most of it down. Let me know if we need to add something. Keep us updated
It's a ballsy move to uproot and move states. You're totally nerfing your strength. Somehow, like you've said, you're in a rut and need a push.
It sounds like the relationships you have established in Perth are relatively unfulfilling. You've ? broken up with this guy a few times now but you keep getting back together. Perhaps it's a combination of you being a not so good "ender" and him being pushy and not taking no for an answer. You're a "nice girl" and probably have poor boundaries, which he abuses to get his way every time. I think you know he's no good for you so there's not a lot of value in me highlighting the red flags he is displaying. It sounds like you just need a bit of courage and better boundaries to make things happen so you can move on. Your friend issue, work status, etc is the combo probably causing some unwanted confusion, like you said "my thoughts are irrational". It's pretty normal to feel like you need him because he's all you've got - you just need that push to realise that you don't need him, that you can create firm boundaries and maintain the strength to resist his convincing "let me back in" tactics.
Perhaps you need to take some time to plan a few things out. Is Perth done and it's time to move on? You did think that you might not like it as a worse case scenario. Is there another job in Perth which is more social? There's nothing better for self-esteem than getting fitter, joining a gym. You might meet people there like Ms Purple said. Can you cook? Doesn't matter, do a cooking class. All these things focus on establishing a sense of self and effectively reduce reliance on "having to be with someone because I'm lonely". I mean it's important to have the company, but if it's not right then press eject an move on.
Anyway, I'm babbling now. Take you time to think things through. Feel muddled? Go for a brisk walk and things might flow better. Put your feelers out for other work if you need to. Maybe plan a holiday back to Sydney so you can spend quality time with friends and family there. There's a book you might like called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway". Although, you've made a big move to get to Perth, you can do this. You have the power to get out of your funk and take some action. Feel the fear and do it anyway. If you break it off with this guy make sure you're direct and leave no room for misinterpretation. If he threatens you, call the police. Good luck. We people of the internet are rooting for you 🙂
Thank you for your words. I feel they have given strength to my feelings. I have found it impossible to break from him (as you've said). At times I would lie to him and tell him I was away when actually I was in Perth, it was the only way I could have a break from him.
Every time I talk to him in person about my feelings of isolation and loneliness he says my logic is flawed and that we can get through it together. I understands he loves me, but he won't let me go …!
I called him today, on the way home from work and told him enough was enough. And that I couldn't do it anymore. That i needed time for me and that i couldn't have everything in my life revolve solely around him. I know i have probably hurt him, and i hope this time he will not call me anymore. He said he wanted to see me…but he'll weasel his way back in if I do.
I feel so alone. But I hope this is for the best
I need to find my strength again
I have organised to see a psychologist. I just want someone to hang out with. I feel so lonely it kills me at times and i cannot see much light
I am contemplating going back to Sydney, but part of me feels as though I would have failed if i go back. Will keep trying to settle in. I thought people at work would have tried to help me a little bit.
As i have said, my friend is lovely..but i feel she uses me. asking me to pick up her dry cleaning, drive her places and do things. As well as other things that I would never ask any one to do.
Hoping times will change.
What do I really think? …. Hmm. I feel he is manipulating and marginally abusive. I agree. But I also feel he is all I have. Which is my conundrum.
I have told him today, over the phone, which i found easier to distance myself, as in person he always turns it around on me and tells me my logic is flawed or that he loves me and he'll help me make it all better. Anywho, i told him i can't do it anymore and that i need time to myself. Not how i feel you should break up with someone, but every other time i feel afraid of what he'll say or do.
I do. Sharing and Love. Indeed. I would love for someone to come and rescue me from here and my job… but i know only I can do this.