Lonely, lost and in need of some help
I need some help. I live interstate, all my family live in Sydney. I have two friends here, one of which is having a baby and at times i feel used by her. I am in a job which i find isolating and because i travel so much, i have found it very difficult to make friends and find a solid ground in Perth. I need to make changes in my life - and I am aware of this...
I am in a relationship with a man who is 13 years my senior, we have been together for about 9 months. I know he loves me, and has told me a million times he would marry me. I want these things so badly too - just not with him. He has made me feel like he is all i have, and although i have removed myself from him many times he always finds a way back in…perhaps because i feel like he is all i have. When he calls or asks me to do something - i say yes and let him back in. I think he manipulates my kind heartedness and my caring nature. He has turned up at my work a few times unannounced, has turned up at my house, one time made me feel like he would hurt me yet makes me feel happy when i am with him because i have someone to be with and hang out with.
I was at dinner with him the other night, and a few of his friends were there, and i looked around and felt sad because i thought this is not my life. This is not me and i cannot be around older men .. 50 + for the rest of my life.
He has not helped me in Perth with finding friends, and has not introduced me to anyone or anything here. I feel increasingly isolated and alone. When family or friends come to visit me he is unhappy about this and makes me feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than himself.
I need help to find myself again,i have lost my spark and my light. No one understands and i feel like i have nothing.
my thoughts are irrational, i know I am so lucky and blessed and i need to let him go but i am scared.
Any thoughts and advice i would love.x
Thanks for reply. I know you will find strength. I worry it will be harder while you are physically available for him to feed on your vulnerabilities. I doubt he will give you space.
As for failure, I Googled failure quotes. There are many for inspiration. I have taken the liberty of pasting a few to spur you on.... (Apologies for the overload, there are so many that I got carried away myself, but I hope at least one might resonate and help you to see things in a different light)
Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.
Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.
Failure is part of the process of success. People who avoid failure also avoid success.
Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.
You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
I hope you can find a place where you mind and you heart both agree on the best way forward. Decisions like this are never easy. I lived in Perth for 5 years for study, coming from SA. I know what it's like to feel like a fish out of water over there. It's a long way away.
Can you picture where you'll be in 1 or 2 or 5 years depending on what you choose to do now? Maybe that will make things clearer. I might even try that myself!! I'm at a similar crossroad atm. I have to tell myself that a decision needn't be fatal, I might get it wrong, but there is will always be another fork in the road ahead, I guess. I'm a master procrastinator, sigh.
Time for zzzs. Goodnight. Leex
It's not that he hasn't introduced me to people. He has to some. He moved here after I told him not too from up North, but has a large number of contacts here. They seem to be a little rougher and much older than I.
I will keep trying to settle in. My job takes me away from Perth on a regular yet sporadic basis. So that is an issue -
When I feel low and alone, i feel myself thinking I made a mistake leaving him. But I was less happy with him. There was no future between us.
I am in a rut. Until I pull myself out of this mud… there is no hope. It is a vicious cycle
Yes. I have broken up with him many times. The last of which he moved here after I told him not to. But this must be the last time. I am beyond unhappy and I constantly look tired and feel drained.He won't take no for an answer, you're right. Historically at least he hasn't. But I am hoping he will leave me now
I am nice..perhaps to my detriment in this case, and so when he calls me in tears (he's 41) and unable to breathe and telling me his he is having heart pains. of course I feel a level of responsibility. perhaps he is trying to make me feel guilty?
I can't seem to see light and feel as though he is all I have. which i realise is completely ridiculous
I spoke (phone) with him the other day and said enough was enough. and i couldn't do it any more.
perhaps time has run out on perth? although i will feel as though i have failed if i leave and go back to sydney, and will have to start all over again
i love cooking, i will do a class
I'm going back to Sydney for a week soon. i will see how i feel when i am there. In the mean time I am going to see a psychologist for some additional support
thankyou for your advice and words
they help me enormously during this time x
I am strong, but currently i feel a shell of myself. and not myself at all really. my situation at the moment seems grim. I do find it hard when I am here and he is too. Did I mention he moved here after I told him not to? We were not officially together when he moved.
There has been some red flags. For sure!. Too many to mention. But I seemingly overlook these in light of my sadness and feelings of loss.
Thankyou for your quotes. I like the ones that point to a failure to change a poor situation is the only "failure" one can have
If Perth isn't working for me…then maybe it is time to pack up and move on.
I will give him a wide berth, if anything goes bad I will call the police - regarding my ex boyfriend. And in the meantime I will try my hardest to focus on myself and love myself again
And try to fit into Perth as best I can
People here tend to not like people not from here. Maybe a generalisation? But something I have found …?
That 1/2/5 year trick is a good one. What do you see for yourself?
It is Scary!
Both looking to the future and being an 'eastener' in Perth LOL. I know what you mean there. At least you've got a GPS. I remember so many times getting horribly lost, and that seemed to always snowball into other horror stories happening. I was there for 5yrs, so eventually knew my way around.
Funnily, (or not) I had a similar situation when I was there. I had almost forgotten it but a 'fling' I had before I left SA, turned up unannounced after I had told him not too. What a shock. Of course I was lonely at the time, but I stood my ground & was a complete bitch to him, his being there made things very difficult. I can't remember how long he hung around, but he left eventually, it seems I got off easily!
I can see that your ex being in Perth has changed your experience there, & that is such a shame. It has changed all the hopes you had when going there. It will be hard to pickup from there & start afresh, even if he does leave you alone. Easier than with him, tho.
It is scary to imagine where I will be in 6mths time, let alone any further. I have a 24/7 business here for 15 yrs, with no real holidays. Things started going downhill last spring, then avalanched at xmas, &I haven't worked since then. And I like it!! But of course the bank doesn't. I'm at risk of losing everything I've worked for, but can't give a toss atm. I don't feel so depressed while I don't have to face 'real life' & am happily here with my head in the sand. I can't believe it's the end of Feb?! Jan is usu my busiest time. Oh my.
Things were gonna change anyway, cos my son finishes school next yr. It is a shame I just couldn't keep going til then. Burnt out, then circumstances conspired big time, so is it meant to be, or that's what I'm telling myself. I don't know, maybe I'll pick up the pieces soon, when reality slams into me.
I have a few options, like you, but it is so hard to know what will be best. Im waiting for a flash of clarity which will never come. None of the options will be easy. The easier ones have less payoff of course. I can see the best way forward, but now I have health issues which may get worse, so it might not be possible anyway, so here I sit. Broke. Overthinking.
I hope he has given you space to begin what you'd hoped for when you went to Perth. It would be so different if he'd not been there. Perhaps if you can have just a month or 2 without him, you would see the best way forward without being a shell. We live in hope,
Best wishes, Lee
I think you're right Lee. I need to cut it off. I am trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings… but it should be about me. As I said earlier, he said "I will be with you weather you like it or not." which scares me
He has said that I don't make sense when I say I don't want to be with him, That I am irrational, and that he loves me so much over and over and over agin. I am in his future etc etc. I am the mother of his children and that the hurt I cause him is worth one day with me
But i feel this is all manipulative talk. If someone is telling you they don't want to be with you… why try and talk them back? I do not understand
I am so vulnerable. Its silly
My mum has told me I need to be careful. Very careful.
No way! you had a similar situation. Crazy. At least he got the picture.
Him being here has changed my experience. It has probably only intensified my isolation because I have had no other opportunities to meet other people. Additionally, his friends are involved in drugs and rough things like bike gangs that I am probably on the complete opposite spectrum.
In relation to you and your stuff...
you can only take each day as it comes. No work can be good. But yeah I can imagine the bank account does not like it. Reality is now, no need to rush yourself. Take it easy and everything will work out as it should.
I know how you feel. I would like clarity too. I want an angel to come down and tell me what i should do and when i should do it. But i guess you don't learn that way. Hindsight is a powerful thing and I am sure I will see sense further down the line
Dont overthink - that helps no one…. Least of all you
You need to be 100% clear to him that it's over. You won't be taking his calls, agreeing to see him or responding to his messages. Block his mobile number. If he visits your house don't open the door and call the police. Same goes if he visits your place of work. I'd even consider taking a holiday in Sydney for a few weeks. Deal with one thing at a time. If you're really lonely, that's why going back to Sydney for a few weeks might help. This guy is playing on your niceness. But he's adding an element of fear which is unacceptable. How did you respond to him when he said that?
Any case, don't give him a chance to say anything. It's over. No contact. Block his number