Lonely, lost and in need of some help
I need some help. I live interstate, all my family live in Sydney. I have two friends here, one of which is having a baby and at times i feel used by her. I am in a job which i find isolating and because i travel so much, i have found it very difficult to make friends and find a solid ground in Perth. I need to make changes in my life - and I am aware of this...
I am in a relationship with a man who is 13 years my senior, we have been together for about 9 months. I know he loves me, and has told me a million times he would marry me. I want these things so badly too - just not with him. He has made me feel like he is all i have, and although i have removed myself from him many times he always finds a way back in…perhaps because i feel like he is all i have. When he calls or asks me to do something - i say yes and let him back in. I think he manipulates my kind heartedness and my caring nature. He has turned up at my work a few times unannounced, has turned up at my house, one time made me feel like he would hurt me yet makes me feel happy when i am with him because i have someone to be with and hang out with.
I was at dinner with him the other night, and a few of his friends were there, and i looked around and felt sad because i thought this is not my life. This is not me and i cannot be around older men .. 50 + for the rest of my life.
He has not helped me in Perth with finding friends, and has not introduced me to anyone or anything here. I feel increasingly isolated and alone. When family or friends come to visit me he is unhappy about this and makes me feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than himself.
I need help to find myself again,i have lost my spark and my light. No one understands and i feel like i have nothing.
my thoughts are irrational, i know I am so lucky and blessed and i need to let him go but i am scared.
Any thoughts and advice i would love.x
firstly how are you? How are things ?
Thank you for your words
I am trying but I struggling big time - I have received emails from him some of which are mildly abusive - some of Which were beautoful and made me cry - I tried not to respond too much
I got a text from him tonight though saying he loves me and wants to Marry me . But that he can't do it anymore and hopes I find what I am looking for
I should be so happy that he's got the message and part of me is . I feel free
but part of me has died inside
I feel he loved me so much and that no one ever will again like that -
No one will ever hold me like that or love me again
i know it sounds contradictory and he was emotionally abusive
but I just don't know What to do
staying in sydney for 2 weeks - but I feel so weird being here, but I guess it's good for me to be in one spot for a bit
I have seen a psychologist who said I was depressed - related to my extreme isolation in Perth and in relation to this relationship
she suggested extending my leave but I want to go back to work
I went to a party tonight, everyone said how amazing I looked but I just had no interest - but I thought it was good I pushed myself to go
trying so hard to get out and stay busy
struggling - I feel so broken and alone
i feel I have to start from scratch all over again - and I don't know if I have the strength
if if anyone else has any input I would love Any advice
if anyone else has any input I would love Any...
Thoughts, and leading on from thoughts emotions - here and now for you, bad ones.
I guess we all 'think' our thoughts are made by us, originate in our minds, are the things we have made. Yes, I'm not putting that very well, am I?
Ok, how to describe it? When I had depression and all the other usual suspects I thought I was a failure, that the world was hopeless, that I was guilty, there was nothing left, my family suffered because of me and would be better without me - plus more.
All those thoughts were not mine, they were my depression in my mind. At the time I thought they were mine. I had no idea depression could skew my thinking, or how badly. Looking back now I can see I was way off-base.
I became depressed because I reacted in a certain way to the world -nothing like your experiences at all -but my buttons had been pushed and that was the result.
You are reacting to your experiences, grief at the loss of a relationship, isolation, much more. Those things are pushing your buttons. Unfortunately you have this person expertly pushing more - so you react.
I doubt the manipulative person you described feels exactly way you imagine he does. As just one quick example, if he was true in his love he would be thinking of you and helping you, not making things worse.
With time, perhaps therapy, new experiences you will climb out of this place. You have started already, you are in Sydney.
Consider blocking his calls/texts. A big thing to do from your point of view - a sort of final act, but it would be wise, keeping those buttons out of reach.
The part in you that 'has died' will come back, you cannot see it but it will, it did for me. You are worthy, you were inexperienced, you will be loved by another.
I know the despair that you are feeling. It is awful to feel so hopeless. It is natural to feel sorrow ®ret when a serious relationships ends. However he is still playing with your vulnerability, and succeeding!
His emails and texts are sent with the intention of making you feel guilty. He is trying to make you feel worse in the hope that you will crumble again. He is offering you what he thinks you want..marriage. You said you did want that BUT NOT WITH HIM. Don't believe any of it. Especially he 'can't do it anymore & hopes you find what you're looking for' & 'he will never give his heart to anyone again'. What a load of crap. Textbook manipulation. If it was true, you wouldn't hear from him again. I bet my last dollar that he'll continue to contact you. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned up in Sydney, so be prepared for that. He is desperate.
I am happy to hear from you again, (but sad as you are feeling so low). You have come so far, really. In Sydney, going out. Well done. Knowing how you are feeling, these are all massive achievements. I know the feeling of being dead inside, at that party, but it shows the strength you have to even go. Wow. You will have much more strength left, even tho you can't feel it now. It will be there when you need it.
Can you ask yourself how you would be feeling if he hadn't contacted you. I'm sure you'd still be feeling pretty down, but you wouldn't be thinking half of this stuff. It is so hard to block him, so is it possible to get your mum or someone close, to scan & delete the crap. At least that way you will know anything that is important to know ie if he is coming there. Big ask I know, but your mum does know what is going on, I believe. Otherwise, I'm sure you can find the strength to just scan quickly & delete. Do not read them. It should empower you. ATM you are playing his game, setting yourself up for a guilt trip & all that he's trying to achieve.
Please don't go back to square one again. He doesn't love you, no one would treat a loved one like this. You are going to have to grieve, with all the emotions that involves. Day by day, you will feel better. There is someone who can truly love you& then you will realise that you have never known real love before. Read your words in your 1st posts here. You said it all then.
Going back to Perth will be a danger time as I doubt he will have given up in 2 wks. Think about it. I know it could be great, but if he's still there..?
Thankyou for your advice and words.
I understand you when you say your thoughts are not yourself, they are external. I cannot believe I have become so off centre. I am not blaming anyone else, but in hindsight things have been off for a while
I think the isolation in Perth pushed me to make decisions I wouldn't have necessarily made. I ignored a million red flags from him, because I was so lonely I think?
You're right, He does push my buttons, in ways one shouldn't if they love you. I feel he uses guilt so much - perhaps as you say with therapy I can understand a little more. He was very selfish I think, rather than thinking of me he thought of himself as I made him feel better.
I have blocked him, but have bad dreams of him turning up where I am. At this stage though he does not know, which is a good thing.
Not feeling great, I feel a little bored in Sydney and want to get back to work. My psyc recommended I take more time away, but I don't know if that is a good idea. Anyway we will see
At this stage, though I feel I am slowly moving in a more positive direction
Thank you again
Yes it is despair, and loss. But I honestly cannot believe I have allowed someone to drain me so much. I am so strong but as we've established. My extreme vulnerability allowed for this to happen. he does know exactly what he is doing - and he maintained my isolation for his own benefit. I feel silly for not seeing his manipulation of me before, and why would someone want to make another feel guilt? It is terrible that I was in a relationship with someone like that
At times, I think Oh he wasn't so bad. But he was, always so pushy, calling me constantly at 4.30am when i was going to work. And if I said i wanted a night away from him he would push and push until I agreed to see him. As I have said previously, I used to tell him I was away when I wasn't just to get some space.
At this stage, I have not heard from him for a couple of days. Which is unusual. But I honestly feel a little better. I have dreams though, of him turning up where I am. Which scare me. If I hear from him again, I will get someone to scan and delete.
Ive deleted all communication we've ever had, and I feel good about it.
Now I am coming to a realisation, he didn't and doesn't love me. He loved how caring I was and how I made HIM feel. I made him feel loved and cared for. Which really is a whole other kettle of fish.
You may be right about going back to Perth. But at this stage, I feel I want to go back. I feel I want to go back and try again. If getting into perth fails again, then I can make steps to change it.
I worry though still, that I may never be with anyone ever again. And that I will be alone forever.
But alas, I need to focus on myself
It is so good to hear ALL of that. Don't feel bad about believing him. In the early stages of a relationship, we all believe what we are told because that is what we want to hear. That is why the saying "love is blind" came into being. It is only with time that we begin to see things for what they really are. You are lucky that it's only been 9mths (I think). Many people take years to admit it to themselves. Women are maternal and like to think we can change a man to be the person they portrayed themself to be, but 'a leopard can't change its spots'. All of these sayings have come about due to eons of experience. We should listen more often.
You are doing all the 'right things' to help yourself. Doubts will always creep back in, just keep stomping on them with reality.
Good on you for focussing on yourself. You deserve it. You have grown emotionally through these experiences. You know what you want, and perhaps more importantly...what you don't want.
Do not worry, love will find you when you are ready. It is only natural, it is the way of the world. There will be many men who have lived through similar heartbreaks, who are emotionally mature and who are feeling exactly the same as you. Another old saying is that 'love will find you when you least expect it'. So keep focussing on yourself, give yourself time for your heart to heal, then you will be ready. 'It won't happen overnight, but it will happen'. No, I think that was an advertising slogan, I gotta stop quoting this stuff LOL.
Warmest wishes, Lee x