Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF · ‎17-10-2016

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:

no longer want to be with us;

cheat on us;

stay with us but don't treat us right;

That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?

I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.

I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.

None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.

So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?

cmf

Guest_1584 · ‎11-12-2017

Time is a real worry wellington yeah.

l hate that l lost nearly 2 yrs but l love what we had . So then the memories , Jay says to enjoy them and remember them , but l find it hard when it's mixed in with the fact we couldn't work it out and heart break ,

l don't wanna become cynical and not try again. But there's a few things. I was divorced , and then she was like a second chance . but she was so much much more.

l worry that someone new won't live up to what we had . it was all very different. She was different and l'm different , l love different , but it's so hard too find.

Guest_623 · ‎11-12-2017

Exactly. The lost time is one of the hardest parts of starting over, we're all older and uglier and have less to offer than the previous time.

Yes, what you once saw as good memories and great times, start to shift when you remember that they led to darker times which in turn softens the glow in time. Then you start to have trouble remembering true good times.

velvetfaerie · ‎11-12-2017

NO need to apologize Random. I am sensitive. I am hurting. I am allowing myself to cry. It is a good thing.

Time. That's what annoyed me in my recently sadly ended relationship. If you can't/don't want a future with me, stop saying you do and showing me you bloody don't. Stop wasting my time !

But yeh. Circumstances.

I should try and sleep. 10 hours in 3 days cannot be helping me.

V.

Guest_1584 · ‎11-12-2017

haaa well thanks velvet , then l help you , l am genius right , just kidden.

yeah , though l hear you. But mine was sorta reverse . Nearly two yrs of pushing me for a future and right when l finally feel like l might be able to trust it and l wanna go for it , she decides it's allno good anyway , well , that was among some other very weird things . Si then l think well what would've happened if l did go for it earlier then , would you still have turned around 2yrs in and back flipped, lucky l didn;t really.

anyway10 hours , girl you need some sleep , your nervous systems gonna be a mess, turn of the computer.

nighty night. 0

CMF · ‎11-12-2017

Hi all , welcome Random and Wallington,

Wallington said:

Exactly. The lost time is one of the hardest parts of starting over, we're all older and uglier and have less to offer than the previous time.

We may be older and uglier, but so is everyone else 🙂.

It's the thought of staring all over again. To meet someone new and have that thrill is nice but all that work...getting to know someone, build trust, the 'what if's'. I definitely have less to offer, in fact I have nothing to offer. I'm depleted.

At first I missed the person and relationship, then just the companionship, now I am saying 'thank god' we didn't get married or live together.

Guest_623 · ‎11-12-2017

Thanks. I'm just passing through, not sure where I'm going yet.

Moonstruck · ‎11-12-2017

If I can put my two cents worth in...I have been spending some time with my ex...(never lived together..liked our own space, enjoyed our times together though...about 8 years).....was never "in love" with him. (I know what that feels like believe me....sort of glad I wasn't cos it meant less pain).

Reason I am spending time again with him now is..I missed the "relationship". At least I am honest about it. But yes I'd say that is what I missed, rather than the "person". We are both in our "mature years"shall we say....so really no goals to set, no decisions to make re marriage or buying homes, or having kids or whatever......

but in examining my reasons for being with him again...I admit...it was the "relationship" I missed,not the man. I sound so cold don't I.?? (don't hate me)

CMF · ‎11-12-2017

Hi Moon,

I don't think you sound cold at all. In my eyes it is the companionship you are enjoying and what wrong with that? As you said, no goals to set so why not just enjoy being together and having company?

Sounds good to me, less hassle as far as i am concerned.

velvetfaerie · ‎11-12-2017

Hi guys,

I am finding your words here very helpful. Just wanted you to know.

I miss my best friend. But really he was not even a good friend.

I am finding solace in that I have friends and somewhat of a social life. People who want and seek my company. I cry because he hasn’t got that. I feel for him because I care. I want him to find his happy.

Only he can do it.

I just destroyed a chocolate 😊

CMF · ‎03-07-2023

Hi all,

Thought resurrect this post as I'm a little lost & down. Been with my partner almost 5 years. We're both in our 50's, with kids. We dated when we were 18/19. He was my first real love so reconnecting after 30 years was amazing. I live my my kids & he lives with his kids...and his sister. His kids are in their 20's, sister 43 & has a bf of 1& 1/2 years. She helped him financially when his wife left, hence why she lives there.

I'm questioning our connection. His weekly life/family is with his sister, weekend with me. I'm feeling lonely, but I have some anxiety. I have felt like walking away many times cos of his sister but she is 1 annoying ( loud,controlling, overbearing )thing in the life of an otherwise great man. She's not mean, just in our faces too much. He is a wonderful person, he loves me, he spoils me, we are in no rush to live together, but I'm lonely. His relationship with his sister infiltrates everything. She's number 1.

I'm a little confused.

Cmf