Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

[CMF]

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:

no longer want to be with us;

cheat on us;

stay with us but don't treat us right;

That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?

I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.

I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.

None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.

So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?

cmf

[Apollo_Black]

A very thoughtful post cmf. I've been haunting the relationship section because I want to contribute & help. Deep down I think I feel like a failure as I couldn't save my marriage and that's why I'm here so much. I want to help others to not make the same mistakes as I did. I want what didn't work for me to work for them. I see how some of us are prone to co-dependency & want them to run for the hills.

I've been on the forum for a little while, & it's quite interesting at the recent spike in relationship issues. Maybe it's seasonal? I'm sure BB would be able to run query (they still need to make some basic changes to this site so people know when someone has replied to their own thread). I try not to comment unless they come back - as it can be somewhat draining to invest in a comment only for the OP to never return.

But I digress. Yes the reasons are many. Cheaters, abusers, NPD, BPD, codependency, drugs, the list goes on.

I was drawn to your thread because I've been thinking the same recently. My "ex" wife took aversion to me suddenly standing up for myself & questioning why there was no love in our marriage. She then initiated a viscous campaign to get me to leave the family home. I refused, she got more vicious, verbally & physically abusive, probably cheated on me - then tried to alienate our young son from me. Then she moved out taking my son & everything else with her. I didn't see him for weeks. The court system is, well, slow to respond. She continues to get away with murder. I did everything for my son & now I'm only seeing him 3 nights a fortnight. She won't negotiate. It's horrible. I continue to fight for the right to have a meaningful relationship with my son. I don't miss HER, I miss my family - the feeling of having a family unit. I miss waking up to him. Now it's an empty house most of the time..

So I think it's ok to mourn a sense of togetherness, of having a relationship. We remember the good times and yearn for restoring them despite the abuse, cheating or whatever it was they did to us. We dwell on the why it happened but we are never satisfied with the answer. It's just what it is. I think in a lot of ways the earth is divided into 2 types of people....nice and mean. The nice suffer a lot. We are good people who only want to love and receive love in return. There's nothing wrong with that. Personally I've learned a lot and will never stop learning. But I won't fall for the mean again - they'll be ejected into the ether swiftly.

[MsPurple]

HI CMF. Great post. Unfortunately I am very single. I thought I should post because I agree with your main point. I miss being in a relationship because I miss the company. I hate the thought of being alone. I hate the fact I have been single for 5 years now. Have I dated? Yes. But I haven't called someone my partner since then. I just haven't met the right person. It gets hard over time because I want to find the right person but since I have been single and alone for so long I am worried I would just go to anyone that shows me some interest. Thinking about it, it makes me vulnerable to being with someone like your ex because I will be happy I have company and being with someone who apparently wants me, yet may not be right and may not treat me right. My ex bf was nice, but we were highschool partners, but it was serious at the time. We broke up and I have no regrets and none of us are mad about it, he is now engaged and happy with his gf. I am happy for them but it makes me think, surely I should have found someone by now?

Overall I am gonna try remember your post. I want to be with someone because I love them and want to be with them, and not just because I want company. I can get company from friends, family and pets. I want to settle with someone that actually loves me. Again thanks for the post

[Touille]

Hey Cmf,

A nice and considerate post.

If only we could erase those bad memories and cherish the good ones we had with out partners.

I really hope your heart heals as you have been through so much, married and than moved on, only to be rejected. You are still a strong person despite what you have been through, your little girl will learn a lot of valuable lessons from you.

Apollo Black: I'm so sorry that your marriage failed and you are alienated from your little boy. It's not good, he will only grow up to resent his mother, children suffer so much through divorce.

I have learnt some hard lessons by reading your post, I was going to get married this year, but broke off the relationship with my GF a year ago, I couldn't stand the nasty attitude.

I really hope you can work something out to see your boy more.

Take Care

Touille.

[CMF]

Wow, such beautiful, thoughtful replies. I've learnt something from all of you, thank you.

Apollo Black this caught my attention "We dwell on the why it happened but we are never satisfied with the answer" ...ruminating I believe it's called. I'm saddened to hear what has happened to you and that you have o fight to see your son. May I ask how old he is? I see so many men here who are fighting to see more of their children. My ex husband has the kids every 2nd weekend and has dinner with them during the week and he is quite happy with that. He does take them away on school holidays. Sometimes it can be weeks. I haven't heard from him for over a week now because of a disagreement. I know when she is older he would like her to stay with him and he want to get a 2 bedroom apartment to accommodate this, he still lives with his parents now, but is it fair that he thinks he can just waltz in and take over when it suits him? I know I will be sick to the stomach when it happens, he abandoned me when I was pregnant, when she was sick in hospital, I have no faith in him. I feel he's never accepted the responsibility...but that's another story.

Ms Purple, I like this "I want to be with someone because I love them and want to be with them, and not just because I want company". It's very easy to fall for someone because we feel lonely and often its the wrong person but we don't see that. I'm a classic example of doing that. If we are not happy being on our own we will not be happy being with someone else. We can't expect someone to fill the void, it's too much pressure on the relationship, too much expectation. We need to find happiness within first.

Touille, bravo to you "...I couldn't stand the nasty attitude". You were smart enough to see that this was a trait that was not going to change, again, something I failed to accept.

I don't have a lot of friends, I don't go out and socialise really and I keep to myself. This contributes to me feeling lonely, even though its my choice as I don't have much to offer people. When people break up but they have friends and support I wonder why they are heartbroken as they have company and friends to go out with but its still hard for them to move on. I guess this is where the idea of someone comes into it. I don't like clubs and bars but the thought of going out and meeting someone is nice sometimes, when I feel i'm worthy. For now its just not on the cards I guess.

cmf x

[Apollo_Black]

Hey cmf, my son is 5 years old next month

[CMF]

Apollo Black,

beautiful age, he's a little man. I hope you get to see more of him as you deserve.

i just realised my post didn't make sense. I wrote about my ex husband then went on to write about my ex partner, my little ones dad but I forgot to put in "my ex partner" who sometimes doesn't contact us for weeks.

sorry for the confusion.

[SubduedBlues]

CMF

"Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it?" I think it is because change is hard. Even if we will be better off for the change, it we are not the ones that initiated the change ... we long to have things returned back to what they were before.

Drawing from my own experience, where my wife departed our marriage of 24 years, I think the most painful part for me was coming to the realization that our marriage had been over for quite some time. Her departure was just the next logical step for us. She realized this, she was ready for it to happen, and she made it happen. For whatever reason, I had not realized it, or was ignoring it hoping that we'd rekindle the fire, whatever it was I wasn't ready -- and when she left before I was ready my heart broke, my world shattered, and I entered into a state of despair.

Like you, there are many traits that my ex has that I dislike. Like you, some of these are irritating, selfish, and careless. But these traits are the same traits that she had when we were together; it's just that back then I ignored or tolerated them. I don't miss her as a person, but I do miss her as a presence.

Why is it hard for me to move on? Because I am afraid of another change. I have just gotten used to being without another person in the bed at night, and getting a new partner will mean more changes. It will mean that I need to get used to all of their quirks, and different ways of doing things, and having their stuff intermixed with my stuff, and then I have to change more for them. I have already had enough change, I don't want anymore. I am not ready for more.

I don't know if any of the above answers your question, but it's how I feel.

[CMF]

Hi D'jected,

thanks for reading and sharing your feelings. Yes you did answer my questions and how right you are with all the points you make. I especially like the last one re moving on. When a relationship ends, the thought of starting all over again with someone new is...draining. Maybe that's the wrong word but the thought of it makes me feel tired. You summed it up perfectly. Even though new romance is exciting we do need to be completely clear of the old one and ready to start afresh, if not we risk bringing our old baggage to the new one.

the thought of trusting someone with our hearts again is also a little scary. What if we get hurt again, how much can we take is it worth the risk?

I'm certainly not ready to look for love. I've been to hell and back, my heart has not healed.

i hope you find happiness D'jected, whether it be in company or just just being happy within yourself.

take care

cmf

[SydneyKat]

Maybe we that find it hard to let the person go, are fixers, solvers and want things put right?