Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

[CMF]

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:

no longer want to be with us;

cheat on us;

stay with us but don't treat us right;

That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?

I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.

I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.

None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.

So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?

cmf

[velvetfaerie]

CMF sent me here. I’ve a broken heart. Again. I’ve posted stuff on my thread. Thank you for your support. I’m not sure what to say here.

[CMF]

Hey Velvet,

You don't have to say anything. I just thought maybe reading through the thread and seeing what others have to say may be helpful. You're definitely not alone.

Your heart will heal. i know it may not feel like it right now but it will.

cmf x

[velvetfaerie]

“Do we miss the person or the relationship.”

Given it was nothing more than talking almost non stop all day every day, and maybe spending a handful of hours together the fortnight he was home. What relationship?

Will commence reading.

V.

[CMF]

"The wrong one will find you in peace and leave you in pieces, but the right one will find you in pieces and lead you to peace"

[velvetfaerie]

I like that.

and just coz my life is never normal. I just got asked on a date.

***face Palm***

Flattering lovely wonderful human but I can’t. I can’t. Not now.

[Guest_1584]

l gravitate to relationship stuff too cmf ,bit odd for a guy l suppose but l've always found it fascinating stuff my whole life. and right now l don't even have one but l still do, go figure.

l miss both too , and to think she accused me of only wanting sex out of it yet l miss the good sides of her personalty , every day and our thing. Tried to tell her. How could someone that spends 24 7 talking to each other , about alllll sorts of things , only be in it for the sexual side.

That's weird how you say that velvet , were were always talking every waking moment too but we were 70% long distance so being in touch 24 7 was a huge part of our relationship.

[velvetfaerie]

Just read that Random and burst out crying.

So much similar. So so much. Sans the 3rd party involvement I guess.

[velvetfaerie]

Just read through this thread. This has been very helpful actually. I still need to navigate the grief, but yeh, lots of helpful words here that will help.

Thank you all.

V.

[Guest_623]

Regardless of if you miss the person or not, ultimately what you lose is time. You will never regain that even if you regain a loved one or new friends. It will not be the same as it was before in the same situation. All so often, it isn't the person you miss in the end, it's the wasted time, the lost years and effort and memories wasted on someone no longer there for you. What was possibly great at the time is then tarnished by the overall picture and then these good times or memories become worthless and meaningless, they do not have a place that they truly belong anymore and this in turn creates a bad feeling towards something that shouldn't have been. But then trying to recreate the same memories but to fill the void with a new face with different expectations only leads to further emptiness with the result. It just does not fit, that memory has been ruined forever by someone else and that will always have a stronger impression attached to it than if you replaced it with a better memory. Under the surface, you are living a lie, you missed your chance, it can not be corrected or replaced in total. What is worse is trying to recreate those memories without any help. Time gets away, things change, what you used to once enjoy you now despise and life becomes so meaningless without those pinnacles to look back on fondly. You end up looking back and it's all bleak, disappointment and knowing the joy wasn't to last. After similar experiences you begin to accept this new level of disappointment as standard. You don't aspire to things of greatness, or set goals that can not be met. You settle for less than you deserve and just go with it, knowing you were probably just lucky this time. The years took their toll, you don't have what it takes to attempt it again even if you were presented with the opportunity to do so. The risk is too great that this time when it falls through it will break you for good. And so best not to take on something you can't finish. Don't take on that opportunity. Don't even look for it. Is it looking for you in return, no, no one is. Good things don't come to those who wait or those who deserve it. The natural laws of balance say that for everyone happy there has to be someone unhappy. Some people are very happy, and some have to balance that out. Accept it. Become the pendulum for society, they won't thank you for it. They are oblivious. Everyone has that one perfect fateful match, a chance to be truly happy, but they find someone else

[Guest_1584]

Oh god , didn't wanna make ya cry , sorry bout that.

But l miss it so much too. She's all alone in sanfrancisco now , doesn't know one soul . l wonder how she's goin.

l sorta got so use to living like that and in our own little private bubble world, l almost became to prefer it.