living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , and thks for the thoughts.

l envy your situation, bc you've both been able to just take your time, you even live close. Those would be such a luxury to me these days.

But yeah , lot of thinking last few mths. Nothing unexpected with us and this now we've known mths now it was getting too much for both of us really.

Reflections though , yeah , true true. And you know , in both situations these beautiful women both tried so damn hard with me and for us . But in both situations l held back sooooo much and for soooo long and basically that costed us, both times.

Either one of them were gifts really such gifts any man would just feel blessed especially at this stage divorce and all. But both times my holding back pretty lead to changing everything . Gf now for example , she just wanted to go for it 2yrs back, she made beautiful plans , and plans that also would've fixed her legals, she was braver than me yet she yet had much more to lose,,and if we did at that time it would've changed everything. None of this crap she's been going through up Nth would've even happened , long story. And we could've had an extra 2yrs of real life together waiting.

Both times though so yep , talk about gun shy.

rx

[CMF]

Hmmmm...yeah I hear you but there must be a reason for holding back. Maybe something not sitting right? I can understand If you didn't want to rush things & I guess it's not up to you do do things to fix other's problems. That's alot of pressure just there.

Maybe they just weren't the ones? I understand the age things and being divorced. It's harder to just start all over. I get it.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Yeah that's true , there were reasons absolutely big things too but things l knew just time itself would work through and show the way . After being married 20 yrs l don't think needing a yr or two together and just seeing how we go before jumping in is unreasonable at all myself, especially when there are some big side issues.

But yeah , it had been getting that way too with gf , even she'd been constantly feeling really bad and guilt about me having to deal with it all too.

rx

[Guest_1584]

We talked yesterday.

ln one breath she told of how much she loves me but in the next of how she's too sick to be in a relationship and she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to have one gain now. But how does that work if you truly love somebody ? l believe she does , that's one thing that's never wavered in almost 3yrs . But sometimes l've thought love is not such a big thing in her culture and maybe that's why she can think the way she has been and probably even walk away .

[Guest_1584]

lt doesn't make sense to me , and if not for love l'd think it's all just an excuse to dump us for other reasons, it's just bizarre . Though l do know more than anyone on this planet where she's at and the state that she's in , and on one hand l can understand that being in that , a relationship even with love , could just be that bit too much , almost maybe a burden, at a time like this for her.

Would that make sense , or is there something else going on to this ?

Me , if l was in her shoes , having her , her love and support , would be what was getting me through , it'd be the one thing that'd l would be holding on to and just living for the day we'd be together again. Although em described somewhere here that when she was going through her stuff , she wanted out to bc it was all just too much. Maybe it is legit for gf , her situation is certainly 300% legit l know that butttt !

Tbh , l'm just not sure whether l should shut this down properly emotionally for myself and try to except moving on , or just lay low and wait it out thinking l'll hear from gf later on when things are all sorted , if they were.

lt's like l need to answer that to myself , because as if l need to know in order to be real in life from here , and if l am real , life with then be real in return and take on it's new paths . But if l am in wait even subconsciously, or stuck on maybe, it just can't.

rx

[blondguy]

Hey mate....I hope you have been travelling okay

I grow weary of being in these sporadic lockdowns when only one part of the metropolitan area has the problem

Paul 👍

[CMF]

Hi rx (wave to Paul),

I think she may genuinely be too sick and doesn't want to hold you back.

I feel like that at times but my M doesn't understand anxiety/depression you do. Still, you know it drains everything out of you, so much so that it feels there's nothing left to give. I too would love someone who understood and supported me in that situation.

As far as you moving on, I think only you can really know if you're ready to.

Hugs

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm .

Weird you should put it like that, that's what she's said. She doesn't want to hold me back or wreck my life or for me to get hurt , and some other things.

l mean l can only say from the outside l would want her in my life if l was in her situation, but true as you say, we all know depression and anxiety around here. And actually bc of that l couldn't really say though for sure that l could cope either. Admittedly there have been times for me too actually , where a relationship would've been too much.

Gday Paul , and thanks mate.

l certainly hear you although we have had it much easier up here and we're free again now to as of yesterday. But even up here yeah it is all getting very very tiring and you can see the weariness of it all in people. l'm sorry for you guys l know it's been so much worse and harder down there and it must all be just that damn exhausting and taxing at this stage .

Hope your hanging in there.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Of course l've been saying to myself mths now l'm flicking the off switch but of course in reality that's a lot easier said than done, no switch , l wish.

rx

[ecomama]

Hey rx

Yes I did want out when it was all too much. Plenty of times. Tbh from recollection, having BF in an LDR was "another huge responsibility" and too much to burden him with. I was so overwhelmed I could barely breathe.
When he tried to speak to me, I couldn't concentrate on anything he said. I was way too distracted on what I needed to do next for this Lawyer, the paperwork I had to fill out like yesterday for another Hardship Application, feeding all my kids... too much for one person. Wash rinse repeat many cycles a day.

Because BF actually couldn't understand, it felt demanding having him as a responsibility.
He "knew" because I had to relay every minutae of detail and hated doing that too.
I was LIVING it all then having to repeat it all too was omg... get me out of this!

I just needed a moment to BREATHE without obligation to BF.

Not sure if this makes sense?

This feeling is similar all over again now.
But this time I'm taking a more assertive stance and just not communicating with BF, barely at all!

I know he loves me lol, he knows I love him.
But never the twain shall meet atm as we're worlds apart in circumstances.

It's all I can do to keep my family afloat atm. My work place is crumbling and bickering nastily. I'm taking on more Leadership roles because everyone's losing their shmit. blah blah blah lol.

I'm alot more stoic this time. It is what it is.
We plan to see each other again, marry, enjoy life together... whether we'll have that opportunity is anyone's guess.

My Counsellor said lots today (her last appt with me for 6 months as she goes to America next week).... one thing she said is "Be kind to yourself, like really ACTIVELY kind". Remember that when you need to talk to me. BE KIND.

I'm also beginning a Journal for when I need to talk to her, we joked as I'm calling it WWJD ie What Would Jane Do? (instead of Jesus lol) and her name isn't Jane btw.

BF always said things like "It's gonna take a LOT more than that to get rid of me" and "Baby I'm in this for the long haul" and other such sweet and beautiful things. He's stood by every word for years now.
I'm grateful he has.

I hope you got some take away from all that, hang in there big fella, be kind to rx.

Love EMxxxx