living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Guest_1584]

Hita em .

And thx for the the time but really , you have so much going on right now lady , speaking of looking after em.

lt has been very handy and helpful hearing your feelings from back at the time hell yeah though,and so thanks again.

But unfortunately as l've said yeah l've been all that and much mich more butttt, well , she isn;t em and it's just gotten to where it has at this stage now. We've have had a lot of breaks and gaps this yr too for her any space she's needed where l'm just not there unless she needs me so to speak and she's just called or messaged out of the blue all over the place when she has and it has helped her a lot earlier she's told me many times.

But sadly too l've also felt the decline and this last few mths apart from a few wks at her sons, things for her have gone so down hill and unfortunately come to this now.

lronically in the very same breath last we talked , we also talked about still marrying and our life , if this is ever all over for her later on too. The time spans though are nothing to do with me however long they may be if ever, if ever l don't mind , l can do the time it's not that , it's "her" l can;t know whether to wait on or not.lt's impossible to explain the way she's been this last yr.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Well , obviously things haven't tickled in all this and one of the biggest has been wondering if her love was even real, if she could decide on going this way , so not a happy time. Even though l was 99% sure it was real and she was still telling me so too . But words , yaknow. Yet this.

Anyway she sent a long message last night out of the blue and phoned later too. Her head was a lot clearer and she felt she could explain things and translate better so she wanted to talk. Thankfully things are now making much more sense.

Her main thing is not about us or feelings or her coming back down at all , apart from just feeling unable to cope with a relationship right now in the state she's been in on top of everything else.

Anyway , so glad she did . The gist of things were more she's just so scared of losing these cases. She needs to stay there and focus and get through it, to be there for the lawyers and case workers and the mountains of garbage, or there'll be no us anyway. Not to mention, no money , no being near her kids, everything she's worked for 10yrs and been through.

l feel so stupid for not grasping that side of things and just thinking of the us n me in all this , there couldn't even be an us if she doesn't do this.

Soooo, well , there still can't be an us right now and who knows what the future will hold but l just feel so much better having proper understanding of it now. Even though l don't know how l couldn't just understand all that before now that she's put it that way.

rx

[CMF]

Don't be too hard on yourself. You were being supportive and we can't help feelings of love.

You were doing the best you could given the circumstances and you were doing what you would want. You weren't to know how she was feeling, you're not in her shoes.

I'm glad she was able to open up and express herself.

Hugs

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahh thanks cm.

Yeah she actually said more than 10 yrs closer to 15 she's worked to be where she was at , l mean your not gonna drop the ball now then are ya. And it's looking like they;ll be locked down a good while yet and on off even after this one too so yeah, she's doing the smartest thing for sure.

Doesn't change much for where we're at but it does help though nonetheless . Just have to see where the future takes things hey.

big hug, hope your coping.

rx

[ecomama]

Hey rx

I saw some stuff you wrote elsewhere too and read back a bit.
Yep, I'm "in the eye of the tornado" atm so doing some SELF-CARE lol... will have a scrubby bath, heat up some dinner and BE on BB Forums for a stint.

You sent a letter?

I'm glad she called and talked thru stuff with you. She obviously cares still, a lot.

I think when I said similar to BF that all I've ever worked hard for, for 40y, is going to go down the gurgler unless I'm 1500% focussed, he got it more. But it was VERY hard for him. Poor thing. I'm seeing through your words just how hard it was for him.

Is it still in a limbo state?

or

NC for now?

Is she OK with you reaching out or has said don't contact me?

Re: the lock down here in NSW - yes I think we're in for a Victorian 2020 experience or similar.
I truly believe you're right there.
Schools already tossing around HOW to Award an HSC and those exams aren't until late Oct / Nov... so that gives me a very solid bump to the ground, in reality.

Travel being clamped down tighter. Far bigger fines.
Like there's no way to travel unless it's absolutely necessary / have a Permit from next Fri.

So the writing's on the wall rx. Longer LD.

I feel for those suffering with the horrid virus. Their families and friends.

I feel for US suffering missing the one we love right next to us. Or being able to be next to them.

Hugs.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey rx, sounds like ur going through a lot

sending support through all this, how tough.

sounds like ur both trying but there are some struggles along the way that are big, agree with CMF, your feelings are pure and make sense.

it seems like walking away isnt an option.... that something keeps u together. i feel the pain though, of not knowing where it can and will go, and having the stress of legal stuff and separations.

So sorry and sending care.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya em , and thanks too as always , and with everything you have going on already, your too kind.

But nah as l just replied over on Geoff's thread, the letter wasn't to gf , totally separate it's just to ex from back in the day. l haven't seen her in 3 or 4yrs. And no no ones sleeping around or seeing other people but thx for worrying, like you don't have enough already.

Gf now yeah she calls and messages all the time but we'd suppose to be on a break last few mths and cooling the old jets. But this particular time last wk , was about the situation bc she finally found a way to put her side of things and we cleared a lot up.

You see at times for us it's hard to explain but where your not both English native, she does speak English of course and we can talk about anything but say delicate things, she often just can't find the words in English. And neither can l in English to her either in ways l'll know she has the correct meaning of whatever it's about. Well she called bc she finally figured out how to explain properly, where she's at in English. And bc she was in a particularly English perception mood l could explain with no misunderstanding in translation exactly where l'm at too. Long and short of it , we're so glad we talked.

As from here on yeah l just wanna do my thing tbh and get on with stuff atm . l don't wanna be talking too much but we'll most likely talk here and there . We both basically wanna put us on hold though now until her court cases are done but no one knows when that will be as yet but we think it's best.And she needs everything she has to even just get through it too tbh.

Hiya Sleepy and thanks for finding the kind thoughts. Your going through enough yourself right now and that was very very nice of you.

Yeah she's going through huge stuff in every direction it's been an incredibly bad bad yr for her. And she's been stuck up in Sydney and waiting on 2 very serious court cases and doing all the legal stuff.

So we just haven;'t known where to for us in it all you see bc that's all been going on 12mths and we've hardly seen ea other. And sadly she's been in a really bad way with stress and depression in it all too.

We have no idea when the courts will be you see either, could be 12mths or more yet. So yeah with what she's going through it's been very hard especially from 1000s k apart and lockdowns all over the place sooooo, we've decided to cool it for awhile basically.

Thx again, hope ur getting through.

rx

[Guest_1584]

l've been having very weird sensations last few wks. l feel exited , tingly which is very strange bc of what's been going on with gf - or more like not going now and probably won't be for at least a good while or possibly permanently. So obviously that's all been a sad upsetting and a very stressful time but at the same time quite relieving now just of the last few wks in just finally having some closure too. Bc we've just been so up in the air for so long now and just plain all over the damn place so all that;s been a very hard and confusing 12mths. So on the other hand our decision is also a huge relief in just finally having some direction and a knowing of where l'm at is at the same, a closure.

Strangest thing is though and at a time like this , just WT ???? l've been having some exited thing coming through, sensations . l've had them my whole life they're a premonition thing of something about to happen and they're usually spot on. But in this case and at a time like this , it totally contradicts what l should actually be feeling bc of everything obviously that's just gone down with gf.

But anyway , l'll take it with open arms bc it's certainly better than being down in the pits of where ever after just having basically broken up , at least for now anyway.

Butttt, so what is cooking , something good is happening , and it's big. l only get this with a very special event or happening. Maybe it;'s about gf , that could be another reason l'm not down in the pits where you'd expect to be. Maybe her court cases come up and boom , it's all over and we can have a future , or maybe it's nothing to do with her and something else. l can't tell , but it's something.

lt could be mths away , once l had this and it went on 7mths before it happened. Another time it was about 2mths. But it's something.

l'll do the cards when l'm feeling it , it might show up there. l think l know what it is though but l'd rather not say it right now. At any rate though at least it's taking my mind of the gf situation.

We see.

rx

[CMF]

ooohhhh you must keep us posted.

Sounds positive x

[Guest_1584]

Oh it will be , feel it.

Pretty sure l know what it is but dare not say.

lt's a few mths off l think but no worries though when it eventuates you'll be the first to know haha,