leaving my marriage tomorrow

[Akitagirl]

Hi All,

tomorrow I am moving out of our home (rental) and away from my abusive husband. He is currently away and comes back in 2 days. I have to be gone. over the past 2 1/2 weeks that he has been away I have made plans, packed up and organised my life for the next 6 months. while I know I have to leave because of the abuse, I wasn't prepared for the grief and trauma that I am now experiencing. it seems I discover new information everyday which knocks me back down again. today I spoke to my mother and she told me the first time she met him, every time she looked at him, he was staring at her and it made her feel like he was studying her, it gave her the creeps. knowing what I have discovered about narcissists, it's quite likely that her instincts were correct. it made me feel physically sick that something so innocent as meeting my parents could have such a dark and sinister undertone. this man has lied to me from day 1. our entire marriage was a complete lie. not only have I suffered cruel and degrading abuse, when I realised the marriage wasn't real I experienced a whole new trauma. I am so afraid of the future, so sick to the stomach and I just dont know how I am supposed to heal from this.

[Michy007]

Hi Akitagirl
I have just joined this forum this evening, then read your post. 
Your situation would be incredibly daunting, particularly as narcissists tend to have so much control over people, and that is on top of the mind games they play. And so I mainly wanted to reach out. 
The last person I dated was a narcissist, a true narcissist- ticked all the boxes. It was an incredibly difficult experience. I was particularly vulnerable at the time.
What I did was helpful, still not easy- yet I watched so many docos on narcissists, so that I truly understood how they operate, and why. I thought I understood narcissism, yet it was a shock to me to find out word for word that's who that person really was. Note 'was' as they are no longer 'is' (ie. present) for me. 
And it isn't an easy journey freeing oneself from a narcissist, because they tend to have so much control- as that is their MO (modus operandi). I didn't have the support from friends, as they had limited understanding- as to how and why someone who is a narcissist could affect me so much. Yet that is largely because many don't truly understand narcissism, the lengths the go to- is learnt in life, over many years- hence why many are at expert level when it comes to deceiving others. 
True narcissists are/can be the most charming people we'd ever meet, by all appearances. Yet in truth, it's all about the mask. They wear a mask, then when challenged, or caught out- they become incredibly nasty people, in my experience. They start off so incredibly charming, nothing much to fault, then slowly their true colours come out. The gaslighting, even if subtle at first. Anyhow hopefully you've done your research, and know you simply must cut all ties. Not doing so is worse, and soul destroying
I hope that's not sounded too harsh, just telling it as it is. 
Don't let their charm fool you- it is their mask talking.
Anyhow I'm happy to chat further- yet moreso in a way to move fwd. I wrote a bit about it (narcissism) as not many understand the gravity of their evil intent. Having support is so important. And then knowing 'you will get through this' even if you don't feel that strong atm

[Mudcakes]

Do you have a safe place to stay where he wont know where you are? Please call 000 if you are ever feeling unsafe. There are places you can go to if you have no where to go. 

[indigo22]

Hi Akitagirl,

I am glad to hear you are moving on from this toxic relationship. I have a sister who is a narcissist and have cut ties with her because she was so toxic.

I think what a lot of people don't realise is that the one who leaves the relationship is still affected by the loss in all the usual emotional ways. When I left my husband, I got little support from my best friend, it wasn't until many years later when she left her husband and I gave her my support that she said 'I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, I didn't understand, I didn't think you needed support being the one who left but now I know how wrong I was about that'.

Leaving can be a scary decision, but staying will be far worse so I encourage you to continue with your plan because you deserve so much better than what you have experienced with this person. From experience, I can tell you that you may feel a bit lost at first, but you will find your way and there will come a day when you can recognise your strength and courage in walking away and creating a better life.

I would like to suggest that you use the helpline below whenever you are feeling the need. It is manned by professionals who can help in real time. This helpline was set up to help those in abusive relationships so you will be understood and supported, just as you will be here, so reach out whenever you need support, you don't need to do this alone.

1800Respect - available 24/7 - 1800 737 732

Take good care of yourself first and foremost,

indigo🌹

[Sophie_M]

Hi there Akitagirl,

Thank you for sharing so openly to the forums, we're so sorry to hear that you've been going through such a difficult time. We acknowledge how much bravery is required to leave a relationship like this, we know it isn't easy but please know that you are not alone and our community is all here for you.

We wanted to provide some resources that could be useful during this time, we know it can be overwhelming but there are many orgnaisations that can help you whether that be with accessing counselling, housing or safety concerns. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how your partner has been treating you, they can provide some great advice and referrals. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat via their website: https://1800respect.org.au/ 

It sounds like it's having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. It's important to be kind to yourself through this, so here's some tips for looking after your wellbeing: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/wellbeing 

We know that you mention dealing with abuse, no one should ever go through that. Please know that if the situation escalates or you feel unsafe you can always call 000, someone will listen to you and you deserve to be treated with respect. Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M