Learning not to be so sensitive...

[Aria87]

Hi guys

I am having struggles in dealing with  outside opinions and comments and not getting my walls and guard up all the time.

I seem to get so defensive and angry if someone simply doesnt hear me out when im upset about something or they ask whats going on, when in return i get the advice i dont want to hear or them telling me what i am doing wrong in their eyes.

I had a case this morning of a break down from stress, from my son, it happens.

My siblings then took it apon themselves to tell me how i baby my son, i need to do this this and this and this, and then follow up with telling me i dont make enough effort for them and their kids.

I feel its like the window is open, so they attack.

I have my reasons, past issues, husband has been hurt by them, the list goes on.

But i just prefer to be left alone, in alot of ways, they everyone finds the reason of me not doing enough for them as bad as they simply dont get their way.

Is it me?

I work long early hours with those siblings, and dont have the time for all these family outings etc, or care as sometimes i need my space too, and have commitments. 

I feel so annoyed and then take it out on the wrong people.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

If anything, sensitivity is a specialty of mine I feel.

Like you I've had the "dont be so sensitive" rammed down my throat all my life. Backstory- Had an ill brother that made my family on edge in my childhood and where anxiety began and a traumatic experience when 12yo. Joined the RAAF at 17yo, warder in Pentridge Jail at 21yo but not diagnosed with anything till 2003. Following on at 2009 diagnosed with bipolar, dysthymia, and this year told I'm likely on the autism high functioning spectrum. Last few weeks read up on that and amazed that sensitivity and awkwardness in other company and many other things are responsible for many of the challenges I faced all my 68 years. Added to that 20% of all people have HSP- High sensitive person, you can google that.

Us sensitive people are not in the normal circle of robustness, the is proved because no matter how hard I tried I could not be "less sensitive", if any experience was to toughen me up it would be facing and staring down prisoners... nope, those tough encounters produced a mask at the time and extreme crying out of sight. "Toughen up big boy" was the usual comment from mates and colleagues.

For us we need empathy, not much else, maybe adjustment from friends and family. Acceptance goes a long way but isnt commonly found in people that see our excessive emotions as a choice... controllable. What they dont realise is this sensitivity has a positive side only seen by us or empaths if we indeed realise it. See sensitive people often have an outlook on life based on emotions not mostly logic whereas its usually the other way around. We therefore get hurt more easily and our lives are fragile. This results in frustration by others. Add to that others expectations of us and we then feel turmoil, we dont feel good enough, add to that a lack of peace and relaxing lifestyle and we have meltdowns.

We also have a different approach to our loved ones. Our love is often deeper, deeper love produces a satisfaction in making sure our kids/grandkids know they are adored maybe more than usual. This can be seen as over the top. My stance on this for years has been "I'll love my children how I desire, I dont instruct you on how to love yours". This defence method has been a Godsend for me and recommended- why is it needed? Because just like an invasion of another country, they dont sit back and allow them to take over, they fight back. This equalising is essential for us HSP's or we are a constant target by those that see us as needing guidance and dominance. They see us as soft, not loving and kind... it is so irritating. So recently a relative told me "grow a thicker skin mate" ... I replied "where on the supermarket shelf is that available"?

I have a few threads below, only need to read the first post of each. I'd like to hear your replay.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/highly-sensitive-people-hsp/td-p/480942

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/control-your-life/td-p/296113

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/quot-grow-a-thick-skin-quot/td-p/470163

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

TonyWK

[Quercus]

Hi Aria87,

Oh my goodness I hear and feel you on this topic!

It's so so difficult to have the energy to deal with criticism and not take it personally especially when you are run down or in desperate need of time alone to recharge.

I'm the same as you lashing out and sometimes even misinterpreting what people are trying to say automatically because I'm just at my limit.

So what helps? For me sleep helps. It can be hard though when family then have a go at you for being lazy or worried because you're sleeping too much and then launching into the whole "you need to look after yourself better" thing. Arrgh. Exhausting. 

Lately I just say quietly thank you for being concerned and trying to help but I just need quiet right now please and walking away. It doesn't always work but sometimes it gets people to just put a sock in it for five minutes. 

Do you have any ideas about how you can make time for yourself to recharge? I'd love to hear if you do. 

Nat

[Aria87]

Wow.. your reply has already helped me with my day. 

Its nice to know others feel like i do, and we cant help it hehehe.

I love the response, thats how you choose to deal with your children.

Mind you, i am a mother, the advise from my siblings are from fathers perspectives.. so to call me soft, and say i baby my child, im sure if it was their wives they would zip their mouths!

I will continue to read your links (and links in those links to help) thank you! 

[Aria87]

Tell me about it... what gets me more is i only broke down from being annoyed with my son, not to be bombarded with advise and hearing what i do wrong in their eyes. 

Oh i ask to come over but youre busy.. so? I like to be left alone.

I go to bed early, and i like my routines.... doesnt mean i dont care about you, because YOU want to come over when it works for YOU always.

Oh believe me, if i stated i just want to be left alone, it would be another war, blah blah blah.

I try to get some me time, as much as possible.

My husband side take up alot of my free times, there are alot of events going on, he likes to visit his side alot, and he likes it when i attend, but somteimes i just cant.. i mentally cant deal with the idea of speaking to people. Yes my family may see me less, but i work with them monday-friday.. give me a break! 

who cares if i dont want to speak every given spare minute with you... i got me to worry about. But dare i say i need time to myself, " oh that fine "
i just like to stay busy in their eyes, so they leave me alone.

[therising]

Hi Aria87

Siblings are interesting creatures, hey. I have 2 myself (an older brother and sister) and boy can they be triggering at times. I think if our siblings were truly horrible, it'd be cut and dry. When they're basically good people or even brilliant under certain circumstances, it can be a whole other story. It can be tough to manage.

While I've become more sensitive over the years, I swear my siblings have become less sensitive in some ways. In other ways, they're highly sensitive. This sounds like something you could perhaps relate to. So, it's kind of like you feel at times that your siblings are the best people to vent to. You imagine you're going to get some compassion, understanding, inspiration, thoughtful guidance and support thrown your way, based on this happening in the past. But, no, here it comes...an opinion without a filter. Dude, where the heck is your filter? Can you not feel what you just said to me? 

I can't help but wonder whether your siblings tend to trigger a battle between the people pleaser in you and some intolerant facet of self. Btw, with that intolerant facet, I refer to it as my 'inner cow'🐮😁. I've found the dialogue can go something like

IC: What the hell?! Why are you tolerating what he's/she's saying to you? Say something, stand up for yourself

PP: You can't say anything, you'll upset them

IC: Who gives a damn. He/she doesn't care if he/she upsets you. Tell it how it is, that they've got issues with their own parenting skills or lack of them

PP: You can't do that, that's just mean plus they're going to get angry

and on it goes, the internal battle. I think it's my inner sage that eventually convinced me of the fact that others don't see a lot that goes on in the life of our child. They don't see why we've come to serve our child in certain ways, ways that they may not agree with. They simply don't have the overall picture. While I've been told that my 18yo son is a 'mamma's boy' to some degree, such people were never present when my son would come home after school feeling down (for years), based on being bullied. They never witnessed why I tried to make his life easier in a lot of ways. It was his older sister that eventually gave me the the thoughtful guidance I needed, which was along the lines of 'While you understandably try and do so much for him to make his life easier, you're taking away his opportunity to develop skills in these areas, skills he needs for life'. So much nicer and far more constructive than 'You tend to baby him'. She truly loves her brother. He's developed a lot since I took her advice.

I've found it's not about becoming less sensitive, it's more so about sensing in constructive ways. Could be about gaining a better sense of or feel for who gives the best advice under certain circumstances and who doesn't, gaining a better sense of or feel for when to emotionally switch off so as to be purely analytical vs when to become more emotionally switched on, gaining a better sense of or feel for where the inner dialogue's coming from etc etc. I've found it's about developing my ability to feel or sense. There are times where I sense my inner sage reigning in my inner cow a little ('Tell it how it is but be careful') and times where I feel I'm being thoroughly degraded and the sage will give the intolerant cow in me free reign. I smile when I say I still have to be careful, as my inner cow can have quite the potty mouth at times but, I tell you what, she's a definite boundary setter. 😁

[Aria87]

WOW... are you me? are you my thoughts?
How can i relate to this soooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Yes on all levels... they dont actually know what im or my son is going through, and yes maybe i do baby him, but i get a sense of FOMO, as im an early working mum and i miss out on the little things most mums enjoy with their small children, so any chance i have, ill do whatever it takes for my (only) son. 

My siblings aways bite back, OH dont you think i was home for my kids too?
Oh please.. and im sorry, but Dads are so different, and you know what, thats how I feel, i dont care how you feel.

Yep i wish they heard themselves, they give no poo's on how they sound, yet i care about their feelings and how i speak to them. I have a potty mouth, when pushed and i get defensive which turns things always into a fight.. but hey, maybe i need to be that cow LOL.

Thank you SO much for your advice. xxxx

[therising]

Hi Aria87

You made me laugh 😅. It's funny in a way, hey, how you can come from the same family yet be so different at the same time. I suppose life shapes us in different ways, our perspective, behaviour, our filter and so on. Some of us can become more sensitive and some of us less sensitive.

With that old familiar phrase 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', I think one of the things that frustrates me is when certain people take great pride in being 'tough'. While it's understandable as to why they've found the need to be such a way, based on their life experiences, their 'toughness' can come at the cost to others. They can lose their ability to feel for others. It's kinda like 'I'm tough now, I don't feel so much and that's a good thing'. I think certain facets come to life in us for a lot of good reasons. While we may finally reach our tipping point of tolerance, which can bring the upstanding and intolerant cow in us to life, managing that facet is key. While we may meet with a part of us that has the ability to feel nothing (leading us to be emotionally switched off in constructive ways), managing that facet is also key. There can be so many different parts to us that come to serve us in so many ways. Knowing when to channel those facets and when not to becomes the ultimate key and it requires sensitivity. In other words, getting a sense of what's needed in the moment. Having those parts of us in play all the time means that's who we become entirely, a cow or a completely switched off person in regard to other people's feelings.

While there can be many key phrases to trigger a sensitive person, I smile when I say one of my top 5 would have to be 'Now, don't take this the wrong way...'. While it's a phrase that used to lead me to suddenly feel down or feel dread, these days it instantly triggers the cow in me. From zero to 1000, she's come to life with boxing gloves on 🐮🥊, champing at the bit to go on the attack, with a kind of 'Bring it on!' vibe. The inner dialogue can kinda become 'Give it your best shot, this thing you have to say that I shouldn't take the wrong way'. At the same time, the sage in me can be screaming 'REPHRASE! REPHRASE! REPHRASE!'. I think that's the advice I'm meant to give to the person who's just about to trigger me 😁.